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What Came Before

2005.05 2005.06 2005.07 2005.08 2005.09 2005.10 2005.11 2005.12 2006.01 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.06 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.07 2008.09 2008.10 2009.01 2010.01 2010.03 2010.05

From the ghost land of the easy life.

07 October 2005

i come pulling all the stops putting rain on all of this :
It isn't lost on me that I take a lot for granted and I trust people I have no solid reason to. I have been writting here about the unfolding events in my life and it's redundant. It keeps me up at night, but it has all awakened my dreams. I'm having these refreshing dreams that tell me about new places and experiences and show me brightness and happiness. I am driven to follow.

Over the last 15 months I've been hiding. I moved here to escape my EX and my shame about what happened with the marriage and my life. I made a bad decision. I ran away from it. I have been doing that all my life. Eventually you make the same mistake you ran away from, all over again, because you don't learn anything from running. I am getting wiser. I know that I shouldn't have left the city. I had so much there and I walked away from it all over an idiot. I guess idiocy is contagious. I'm cured now.

People here are trying to get me to put on the brakes so I don't end up sitting in the city with no house, no job and no options. I can respect that. I can ignore their advice because I'm sure it won't happen that way. I have a job and a way to get to the job and in the city there are lots of opportunities to live. Yes I am a nice girl, a somewhat overly trusting girl. I am not stupid. I know what danger lies in the path I am treading and it doesn't just have my last name, it's also the danger of just giving up.

I hate quitting. I am a doer. I don't quit. I have had to admit defeat and bad judgement but I'm still here pluggung away trying to make my life mean something to me. I have no one but myself to impress anymore and I like it. I like that I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I am a pack rat who is about to face the ultimate anti pack rat reforms of her life. I know I am a worrier who has held herself back from opportunities one too many times. I know that I can make excuses until I'm blue in the face and quietly not live my life here in the outskirts of my dreams. If there's a perfect analogy for wherre I am right now it's the way station. I'm in the subway station from the Matrix, and everyone is gone. There is no train and I'm singing to myself wondering when I'll get where I want to be.

Thing is - there is a train coming. I can hear it.

I am not moving just because the job pays more or a friend said I can sleep on her floor or because I got a ride. I've been trying to get a job in Ottawa since I left, to justify moving back. I didn't want to do it without the job. I like to have the means to the ends. Also, I've gotten good at not quitting one job til I have another to go to. Working for me so far. I don't know that I'll love this job, I never do. It's a call centre but, it has a lot to offer. I feel good about it so far and I want to keep feeling that way until I'm proven wrong by the new place, and not a minute before.

Sure I'm fretting that I'm making a mistake. I have a job and friends and a place to live. None of it is really making me happy. Yes I know I am the only one who can really make me happy and that's why I'm excited about moving back. I know Ottawa and Ottawa knows me and we're friends. I can't say the same for this place. It knows me and it doesn't want to be my friend is the best I can say. I'm all happy to be getting up to carpool at 5.45 am. I am insane!

Since I'll be spending our Thanksgiving weekend alone, possibly eating a microwave turkey dinners, I will keep you up to date on all my wacko exploits. I have a CDR/RW to install and see if it works so I'm gonna go now. My scanner works so I can post pics now too. Look for some post 80's me coming soon!

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:01 PM

MenTal fUrbAll