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From the ghost land of the easy life.

24 September 2005

it seems you and me are forgetting something :
I beleive in many things. If I was around back in the day I probably would have been following the prophets, Jesus or maybe even the Israelites around trying to figure out their scene. I'm a believer in many things. I believe in Evil. I believe in Good. I believe in people. I NEVER believed I would get married. I really believed no one would ever want me.

As of 21st September it's been 3 years I've been married to my EX. I'm not divorced yet, the mandatory seperation is just barely over and I don't have the money to file the paperwork. I do feel like letting him pay for it, but I know this marriage will go on inderterminably if I wait for him to do anything. He's not the one. I'm still looking. It makes me so sad to have failed at my marriage. Mostly because I did NOT want to be right about no one being able to love me. This is where the self fulfilling prophecy shit really bites you in the ass. There I said it - the source of my depression. I can believe in anything but I don't have any faith in me.

I'm struggling with my eternal lack of faith - the super powerful self loathing I have, these days. I know I'm worthwhile and beautiful, if derranged and messed up - it's all superficial because I have a giant heart and I'm a real good person. Thing is - I lost myself for a while back there, had just started finding myself and then I threw it all away to be with a guy who married me and then became the worst possible version of himself he could be. I was cheated, but I can't sue him for fraud. Over here in Back To The Pits Scared Bunny says women marry wanting to change the guy. Uh uhn. I married hoping he would never change (for the worse at least) and he married me hoping I'd turn into June Cleaver with a total lobotomy.

Yea so I can't honestly tell you what he was thinking, but I'm sure it looked something like BIG STUPID CASH COW HERE!!!!! Hell I was the SUCKER born that minute. I was had. I feel bad. I have all the wedding trinkets packed in a box waiting to be burned, burned as soon as the ink dries on the divorce decree and not a moment before - because that guy isn't coming back on me for anything. I have so much paperwork on him I'd make him wish he'd chosen death by paper cut as an option in the til death do us part. Bitter and acrimonious oh HELL Yea, but from a distance because he and his clan are a bunch of dyed in the wool PSYCHOS.

So I've been down, I've been bummed and lonely. I'm trying to make it onto the comeback trail because I really do whole heartedly and with utter abbandon believe that things will only get better and that I will find my guy. He's out there somewhere wondering where the hell his tv loving geek gal is. If you seen him, tell him I'm way educated, cute, funny and willing to travel. Thanks.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 10:34 PM

MenTal fUrbAll