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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

20 September 2005

in love, in fear, in hate, in tears :
Somewhere out there someone wonders why the hell I'm a slave to tv. It's simple really. Tv never lets me down. It's always there; it never called me names, ignored me or made me feel bad about myself. People have done that to me in spades. Tv is pure fantasy (the stuff I like anyways) and the people I can relate to in different ways. On tv everyone is flawed. In real life no one will show you his or her flaws, and therefore you are hardly ever meeting the real person. Me, I'm all flaws and I don't care. I have no tact, no inner sensor (he/she quit it was too much work) and I'm over sensitive - so I can be a real treat to meet.

I tend get offended when people suggest I'd work well with a bunch of men because I'm straight up and swear like a sailor. If I offend you tell me, don't allude to the fact that I'm being a man/manly/unladylike with such a dumbass crack. There's nothing wrong with being blunt about stuff or swearing. What offends me is that that behaviour doesn't automatically mean the place I should find happiness is in the CN rail yard with a bunch similarly talking guys. Last time I checked I'd held down an office job for over 7 years and had NOT ONE complaint about my attitude, language or suitability. Why then would I want to give up a cushy office job to spend my time cursing? I have a life and it includes ALL the college Adverbs.

It has come to my attention that this behaviour does cause people to fear you. I am not the run of the mill girl. I get mad, when I'm mad. I look, act and talk mad. I scare the crap outta people. I find it amusing, all this time I've been denying my fearsomeness and yet I've seen it in action. Recently I've become proud of that, but not in the wow I can get my way through scary bitchiness. Rather I'm proud of it in the way that makes me aware that I have that 'power' and must try not to use it for evil. It bothers me when people say I'm scary, because I'm such a nice give-you-the-shirt-off-my-back type of person. I have this hard time realizing that people, trying so hard to protect themselves and put on a show of their best, don't look at me and know that what they see is what they get. They look at me and wonder if I'm putting on a mask for the world like they are. They try to guess my game, they judge me. I'm really just coming to this right now, been on another planet for quite some time I guess.

So I'm wondering more these days how others perceive me. I used to obsess about how I was seen, but I know now people aren't looking as closely at me as I am at them. I am being judged on assumptions of who I am based on my clothes, my address, my education, my size, my language and my anger. I am not being taken at my word. I am not being paid attention to in the way that will let people know what to expect of me. I am being statisticised and quantified and weighed through a myriad of filters and I wonder what that makes me into in the end.

I know how I am. More than that I KNOW WHO I AM. I know what I can do. I'm not at all sure of how to make that clear to the others in the world around me. I'm feeling rather like an alien life form because I'm too simple. I never learned the games and the rules and I don't know how to play, which makes it easy to be played. I'd worry about that but I just don't care because I'm way better at forgetting about people that piss me off then the world would give me credit for, or that I even give myself credit for. I used to think if someone wasn't thinking about me I didn't exist to them. I know now if I'm not thinking about someone they cease to exist for me. If I forget you, you will never be remembered. Somehow I can personally erase people from my mind, it's so very Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind of me. It is the reason I don't miss people and that I can't even remember/picture what my EX's face looks like. I rarely ever dream of people I know personally, especially men. Usually I dream of complete strangers and celebrities. No one I know outside of seeing them.

You know who I am right? I'm the ultra approachable girl that you ask the time of, directions from, or assume I work in the store you're in and ask me the where abouts/prices of things. I'm the one you forget as soon as you walk away, I blend in, I bleed off. You always notice me, walking along while you drive by, you watch me go until you're gone by, then forget I was even there. I have smiled at you. I have changed your life and you will never be the same, but we will forget each other in another moment. In the blink of an eye.

I don't live for you. I live for me and I'm a slave to my vices. I'm a slave to tv. Tv loves me. It's always trying to program stuff I'll watch because I am everybody. I don't discriminate. I am every demographic. I am complete and in that I am everything and nothing. I am everyone and no one. I can be what ever I choose, even if I can't make up my mind. Do you know me? I am you. You have been me at one time; maybe you are me right now. We all share the basics of humanity. So when you see me, the angry, swearing blunt girl - smile at me. I've always got a smile for you.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:55 PM

MenTal fUrbAll