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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

01 August 2005

you used to captivate me :
There are things I know. Like a cute smile will take me farther to knowing a guy than an intense attraction ever will. Why? Because a cute smile invites you to talk to it. An intense attraction leads you to do stupid things and be made fun of. I can't have any of that going on at work. But why is it easier to talk to someone when you don't care about them at all?

I tend to be all big brained about simple things when I like a guy, which pretty much means if he doesn't make a move I will just wait forever hoping he will. Inhibition shuts me down everytime. It's because I was a rash and impetuous youth who made bold moves and was mercilessly ridiculed, berated and called out for it; by the objects of said moves. Now that I'm (almost) a cougar in my workplace I get told all the time by guys there about their girlfriends and whatnot. I'm just talking to them and they blurt this shit out like I was mentally undressing them, sometimes like I was physically doing so. I'm beginning to wonder about my over all vibe here.

I guess I'm always suprised that guys think that my talking to them equals me being interested in them, totally. It's so rarely the case. I'll talk to anyone just to have someone to talk to. I have less to say to you if I like you, cuz I'm afraid of saying something stupid. Now the random and casually stupid & vulgar stuff that comes out of my mouth on a regualar basis, doesn't bother me. People even get used to it. So when the self censoring comes on I get a lot of the - are you ok you're really quite. Occasionally, in an attempt to avoid the aforementioned, I can go in the wrong direction and be too talkative about really boring things that get me the weird looks. Y'know - the what-drugs-is-she-on, or what-drugs-did-she-forget-to-take looks. Don't even get me started on how weird it is to watch women get all strange when they think I want their man (I don't do taken BTW, so they're all making it up).

Those of us on the prowl know it's good to want things but being careful about getting them makes the difference in your life. I'd rather be the shy-unassuming-type than the bitch-on-wheels-type. I know I have issues but all my baggage is the light carry on kind. I know my self image is tarnished by my own doubts and fears. I know if I could see myself as others do I wouldn't recognise me.

I wanna know why I can believe in anyone but believing in myself and my own abilitites freaks me out. I swear Fear Factor could have underachievers stroking out if they gave them Ikea things to assemble and left them to do it themselves. We crumble and go down in flames and tears everytime. Seriously, you know this is true.

I want to know why that is.

I want to know why Cookie Monster hates L'il Kim.

I wanna know why this guy, 9 years younger than me, has me wondering if I could be his Demi.

Keep Blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:29 PM

MenTal fUrbAll