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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

12 August 2005

d' ya wanna go for a ride :
The plan for this evening is girl's night of non sobriety. This should be fun I've been longing for marguerita-ville. OK I've just been longing to crush ice in a blender. I get to do it with some of my peeps. I have acquired some girls to hang out with, which is good. They are far younger than me, which isn't helping me with my schism over my age and social scenes. I'm too old for a lot of the goofiness I see. I just can't find the fun in it. Maybe I'm too battered...

I really am 2 girls in one, not in a schizophrenic way either. The truth lies in the fact I'm a Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. I have had my Goat out for too long. It's time to let my inner Aquarian out and enjoy it for a while. The Capricorn part of me is all fine and good but so straight laced and un-fun you can AutoCad a small city with her ass (bad analogy if ever there was one :). My inner Aquarian has no sense, bad taste in men and a penchant for VERY risque talk. We'll be going by the LC, Wal-Mart (for a blender of course) and straight to the par-tay after work tonight. Blowing off steam. I SO NEED THIS!!!!!!!!!!

I keep finding signs of actual romance and fabulous lives out there and oh yea I'm jealous. These kids got it going on and I feel so old and well, unrequited. After all I didn't amount to much when compared to them. That's the bane of my A-type, over-achieving, goal oriented Capricorn Goat. I see what I don't have and feel lacking. I love my Aquarian l'il water bearer. I see what I don't have and know it doesn't matter. What I have is more than enough and, often, better. When I get these two sides together they can combine to quicksand and trap me in silent stillness. Or they can combine into this brash practicality that makes me a force to be reckoned with. More often that not I feel more like a wandering disaster area looking for somewhere to kick up my feet, but hey - no one's perfect.

At the end of the day I'm my own worst enemy. Who isn't???? I also, once in a while, cut my self the utmost slack and allow shit that I wouldn't take from no one else - from myself. All of this is just occassionally, which is why I'm going to party regularily priced at 199.99, like partying is on sale for 19.99. Oh hell ya. I'm gonna put the A in Karaoke, whether or not we have any music :) Watch out Friday here I (we) come and I'm (we're) on a tear!
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:15 AM

MenTal fUrbAll