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From the ghost land of the easy life.

13 July 2005

save me from these bonds of :
I know what foods are bad for me. That said I've been going through cravings, ladies you understand. I'm unoriginal here I want sweet and salty things. Yesterday I had a large bag of chips. Today I'm polishing off a 2 litre of pepsi with lime. I'm trying to convince myself not to go out and get another bag of chips. About every 6 weeks I hit this point where I'm a bottomless pit and no matter waht I eat I want more, especially sweet and salty stuff and I want it ALL THE TIME. During this 3-5 days I also, mysteriously, don't gain or lose weight. (In the following week I don't gain any either). During this time I'm in love with my metabolism. I have lots of energy and sleep well and eat like there's no end to my hunger. Basically I become Homer Simpson on speed.

During these times I think about food like every second. Random images of eclairs, dark chocolate bars, chicken wings, bacon double cheese burgers and giant bags of chips flash before my eyes endlessly. Ice cream fantasies take over my train of thought and deep fried scents assail me where ever I am. TV doesn't help. TV is a total enabler. Showing me countless commercails making me want more fast food, cheap non nutritious food. It's too hot to cook - still. That doesn't help me keep up my resolve to eat more fruits and veggies. Even the biggest best grilled steak with fried mushrooms would find me finishing the meal with a huge peice of decadent chocolate cake and or some french fries.

I know 2 things, 1) I'm not really hungry. I just ate I feel full. My mind is having none of it. The cravings are making me loony and the longer I wait the worse they get. 2) There is nothing I can do to make it go away for this time. I've tried every diet, every gum, patch, meditation, mantra and televised diversion. When I get this wway I think I know what it is to be in rehab or quitting smoking. Except there is no rehab for this that I know of.

SO, I'll sit here and try to wait it out so I don't backslide into the weight of the world. Canadian Idol isn't helping and I shouldn't be watching prime time, there'll be nothing but Pizza Slut -er Hut commercials on and Whooper ads, Mickey D's will taunt me with good looking food, Miracle Whip will show me sandwhich making dogs, I'll be endlessly regaled with food. And in the end I'll have a bowl of branf fibre cereal and go to bed. After all I did already eat a bag of chips yesterday (and swore then never again because I felt awful for hours) and drank a bottle of pepsi today. I've done a week's worth of junk fooding in the last couple of days.

I blame it on these guys at work, with their 20-something smiles, pimping wine gums and super nibs. Eventually I get convinced to have one candy then another and then the body burns through the sugar high and you need more, more, more. Also I secretly believe it's because my mind keeps wondering if I'm bored. Eating is something I can do passively, while doing other things. Chewing gum isn't the same. Having sex isn't the same. Maybe I'll go get an ice cream cone, the walk there and back will at least work off some of the chips and pop :) I'm not bored I'm just really unused to relaxing, really relaxing. I haven't done it in so many years I'm seriously out of practice and then I worry and then I get stressed and then I (say it with me) stress eat. I may need therapy :)

Are you hungry yet?
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 7:31 PM

MenTal fUrbAll