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From the ghost land of the easy life.

28 June 2005

NEEDY or why I’m a loner in 1000 words or less :
I have one of those brain-IS-ALWAYS-on problems. I’m always thinking about something. Even when it’s so hot outside it saps my will to live I think about how I’m going to get what I need out of life. I don’t dwell on what I want too much because I’m a product of my environment. I’m deeply consumeristic with a streak of blatant entitlement. I want it all and I want it now. I want everything every fairytale ever promised, I want all that the movies ever said an adult with a job would have. I’m brainwashed by Friends and the fact that everywhere I go I see people who have stuff that I thought I’d have by now and I don’t. I keep saying I can’t afford it but the truth is I don’t want to work that hard.

I could be working 60 hours a week, they really need people to come in and do overtime as they’re training all people on this other campaign (not me tho so I constantly get told about OT). I don’t want to get up for work at 6 am and start my day on the phones at 8. Since I can only work 13 hours a day max, I’d only start that early on Saturdays and my days off. If I did overtime. It seems really attractive while I sit here suffering heat exhaustion, to be at work with AC and making money. I’ve just lost the desire to acquire like that.

For about 6 years I did anything and everything for money and I had no social life but I had tonnes of stuff I thought I wanted. I had clothes, I had the ability to travel and do what I wanted and yet it wasn’t enough. I didn’t stop wanting more because all of it wasn’t making me feel accomplished or happy. I’ve seen the evil of the dollar and I have turned away from it. I guess. But I still need it. I need to eat and I need to live somewhere so I need money to get those things. I’m starting to see the attractiveness of the whole sugar daddy scenario. I don’t think I could really be that kind of girl but the kept woman thing, being a glorious bit on the side or whatever, is starting to make financial if not moral sense to me these days. It really is my work ethic that saves me from turning into a money trollop and darting out to find the first guy with dough I can exploit into keeping me around.

My number one problem is having too much time on my hands. While I’m sitting around thinking about things I can string the musing out into a full-blown scenario and imagine it from every angle. Which is great for a writer but not so great when you turn that corner you couldn’t see past, and wind up staring at a blank wall. It happens to me a lot. I just never imagine what really happens I am too affected by my idea of what I thought should have happened. That’s the sore sticking spot for me.

Some might argue I’m not in touch with reality, which is why it so easily disappoints me. I think it’s the opposite. I know what the reality is, I just want to believe that I really CAN create my own reality and in doing so people will be what I expect them to be. Now that sounds like I’m all about making people to be a certain way, but really I just want them to be what the pretend to be. If you tell me you are going to do something, do it. If you say you are doing something for me, don’t go on and on about how hard it is for you – especially if I NEVER asked for your help. Amazingly enough I am terribly self-sufficient because asking for help from people has always left me doing it myself. How silly of me to think because someone offers to help that they really mean it and will actually help. Reality has other plans that always bring me back to disillusionment with people.

I like people I just don’t know what makes them tick. I can’t believe we en masse are so selfish and self absorbed. Are we really just out for ourselves and fuck everyone else, no matter what lengths you take that ideal too? I’m a hopeless romantic and I do see the good in everyone which is why the ire is so bitter when that person I was liking and wanting to get to know ends up being mean, rude, self involved and churlish to the bone. I don’t want to hang out with people who are all showing me the worst part of myself. How will I ever develop my finer qualities if I never meet anyone out there that has some I can emulate until using them becomes natural to me? Please can someone start being my role model before I sink into despair and become the living embodiment of all the things I just can’t stand?
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 6:13 PM

MenTal fUrbAll