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What Came Before

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From the ghost land of the easy life.

24 June 2005

her ego wrote cheques incredibly fast but her personality didn't have the cash :
So because I'm insane I'm working 5 hours today on my day off. I was sick last Saturday for half the day and am making up the time (mostly). I'm not crazy about my job and getting quite addled looking for an alternative. Small towns/big towns - neither is great for job hunting when you have minus connections and plus skills. It's a shame but it really is in whom you know not how good you are at anything. Oh I'm sorry I may be whining.

I've decided that just because I'm willing to openly state the opportunities (hurdles) I have facing me and it's not always easy to put a smiley face on the circumstances I find myself in I don't always do so in a bright shiny optimistic way; it doesn't mean I'm a whiner. Really I'm just talking and I'm not looking for anyone to run out and fix things for me. It would be nice to get a bit of understanding out there in the cold hard world. I can't be THE ONLY ONE who takes shit way too serious and in doing so makes things way harder than they need to be and in the process gets a but frowny faced at the way the grand scheme disintegrated into a big ole pile of horse manuer. (Err I know the spelling's off, sorry.)

My life, so far, has been overly dramatic and maybe I need to go to Mary J. Blige's place and let her teach me all about how I can have no more drama in my life. I may have to go to drama queens' anonymous. I'm not the only one though so I don't feel so single in the experience I've had. Funny that, misery loves company and usually that company has stories a lot like yours. Call it group therapy - Girls getting over drug-addicted drunks. (G-GODAD) Wow I like the acronym even tho it's like totally unintentional. Why am I talking about all this? Well because the 1-year separation part is almost over and now I find out I could have filed the paperwork months ago. I haven't heard from the soon to be officially Ex-Husband in nearly 6 months and I don't want to call him either. I have been wondering why he hasn't called because he has a new woman now and knowing him he's dying to tie her down soon so I'm thinking I should be getting the papers anytime from him.

He has a rich family. They are very litigious so no doubt he's seen a lawyer. I don't want alimony, even though he makes twice as much as me. I want him gone like the bad dream I wish he were. I want to get rid of his name (going to pick a new last name pay to change it legally and then never change it again ever - sorry future husband.) I want to get rid of my wedding gown, even though I love it. I want to burn it and all of the pictures I have of the wedding in effigy to the good times tarnished by the overbearing bad. I don't think my building would like to see that going on on the lawn. I don't want to feel like I wasted my time I want to be positive and want to leave feeling I learned something. Mostly I do but there is some bitter edge in there and I never wanted that. It makes me sad.

Thing is I've been dreaming lately. Not that that's new, I dream all the time. I never dreamed about my husband, not once not ever. Guess that says something as I've had dreams with just about everyone I've ever met in them. I still have dreams where my Dad appears and disapproves of something I'm doing and I just tell him off and do it anyways. I'm still scared of him in my dreams but I take control of my power over myself and do what I want. Anyways what I'm trying to say isn't about standing up to authority figures. It's about waking up laughing.

Now I've woken up from dreams many times feeling things. I've awoken feeling the embrace from a dream, feeling fear and panic I've even woken up crying and so sad it hurt to breathe. I've woken up laughing out loud about 3 times I can remember and 2 of those times happened this week. I feel all weird and creepy when I wake up laughing. First of all I never remember who I was talking too or what was so funny that I laughed like that. It's so weird to wake up laughing. I'm so loud, I actually wake myself up which leaves me feeling like I shouldn't have gone and laughed because I needed to know more and now I was not going to be able to go back to sleep and find out the important thing.

Except - maybe that is the important thing. That I woke up laughing. That no matter how dark the horizon looks in my impeccably focused forward to the financial pitfalls of the future mind. I'm actually pretty happy. It's not the Ritz but I do have a place to live, clothes, food, internet, a decent paying job. I guess I need to be reminded to live now and enjoy that I have things many don't. I didn't get them by chance or inheritance. I worked for all of it, and sometimes I sit here and think damn I'm so material I need to get rid off all of it and go real low tech.

I wouldn't make it, I'd die of a sore ass from sitting on the concrete floor and staring at the bare room imagining all the stuff I used to have before I went crazy and gave my music collection and video/dvd collections away. And let's not forget the tables. I have now 4 tables and assorted plastic storage totes decorating my living space. I still have the borrowed ass chair and no other furniture to sit on should company come by. Good thing I have no friends :) Anyone want this giant glass topped round bamboo/rattan bottomed table? Really it's way too big to be here and I don't know what to do with it. It was given to me and I'm just trying to return the favour.

I have to go soon. Work calls and I don't wanna go, but there is no choice here because I need the money for rent and all that jazz. I'm actually hoping to wake up laughing again soon. It's good for you - laughter :) It's calorie free and causes the good wrinkles and works out the facial muscles. I believe in wrinkles. I don't look my age but even if I did I'd still want to have wrinkles. I like getting older and wiser (I can hope). I like standing up for myself and demanding my credit when it's due and letting the injustices I feel, be known. If that causes me to be seen as a whiner so be it. I never fault people for asking questions but there are those who do and I've been told I complain too much and whine too much but I don't think asking why is this _______ happening? - constitutes whining or complaining. I just want to understand and if others don't understand my curiosity. If it frightens people so bad they have to call me a whiner/complainer - I don't know why. I guess I never learned not to ask why? what? who? how? when? It's all about my inner journalist and then again I have no inner editor so all my complex MUD qualities of optimistic pessimism gel and spew forth into this keening series of questions/complaints - and there is never an answer.

I don't NEED to know everything but I WANT to. I do need a good astronomy map and some one to go stargazing with. I know the big and little dippers, can usually find Orion and Orion's belt and there after am lost. Another thing I have forgotten. See around here there’s less light pollution so I can see the stars while I walk home at night and maybe that's a wonderful thing. I look forward to it these days.

Keep blogging.
ghost writer Ambrrrr at 4:12 PM

MenTal fUrbAll