MenTal fUrbAll

I'm not perfect But I keep trying

2010-05-13T15:31:00.002-04:00

It's been a while. I've been running around looking for a job, relaxing, enjoying the actually low stress of not working in a call center anymore and praying for a lotto win or just some epiphany on what I want to do now. Everyone keeps asking me what do I want for a job, what makes me happy and all I know is it's a variety of different things. I love baking, laughing, cleaning and taking pictures. I love listening to music and writing. Is there a job out there that incorporates all that? Let's not forget helping people and animals and I have some varrief and incongruent interests.

Oh I know what I don't want. I don't want a call center job, I don't want to be tied to a phone and have the rules of conduct changed on me second by second whim by whim. I want consistency and loyalty from an employer. I have yet to find that dream job, the one where Ii work hard and am appreciated and promoted. I am not that ambitious, but I'm loyal and trustworthy and I want to work somewhere for the rest of my working life. I'm tired of this finding a new job every 3 years BS that's been happening. And now too, in the middle of a recession I'm trying to find work with the other 600 people laid off from my workplace and everyone else who is also looking.

I have little money and a worse for wear wardrobe and I need a sugar daddy or an inheritance fast, but I'll make it work - I have to. The fun starts June First when I can't pay rent and continues on until I get evicted or a job, whatever comes first. Keep blogging.

You are such a jerk

2010-03-22T18:54:00.002-04:00

I don't get the 'kids' today. I don't necessarily mean people of a certain age either. it seems this particular form of ego centric assholery isn't strictly reserved for the young, but many of the youth of today partake in it with a licentiousness that is frightening. It's beyond disgusting what they feel passes as 'being a friend' these days. Some people don't know any better, treating their 'friends' ans Marie Antoinette treated the rabble is their modus operandi. Their friends a\k\a followers accept this treatment and ignore most of it for whatever reason, as they feel that what they get from being around this person is worth it.

The Jekyll and Hydes are the worst. Ususally they want something from you and while they are getting it they are sweet as pie. After a fashion thinly veiled barbs and insults appear and eventually all conversation devolves into a feud with them, because they are so very insecure that they use whatever they can to bellittle others to make themselves feel better. I'd like to say I feel sorry for this lot, however I know the road to self love doesn't come from being petty, viscous and absolutely rude to everyone including themselves. There is a subset of these types, the openly two faced, who, while torturing some with their 'friendship' are actually nice to anyone else who happens by, to demonstrate again, their superiority and how inferior the brunt(s) of their bullshit is\are. While somewhat less distasteful to the masses, who are generally blinded by the passing whim of kindness, this subset is as objectionable as the first sentence of this paragraph suggests.

I have yet to find any real value in putting someone else down to make myself feel good. I can be a bitchy and catty as the next, but I'm usually just a mirror. I really feel satisfaction in giving them the same bullshit they are feeding me. They don't like that, it usually makes them worse, however it's karma baby. If they think I suck for doing that wait til the real karma kicks in and they're asking me if I want fries with that in their next job\life. It hardly takes karma that long to start kicking your ass.

Keep blogging !

if your heart is nowhere in it

2010-03-07T16:20:00.002-05:00

I hate Hate HATE job interviews. I feel they are like horrible bad dates where the suitor may try to kill you with an axe, only in an job interview only your ego gets shredded. I've never walked out of one feeling better about myself, which is not to say I didn not get the job I usually always do - but the process sux. We're not officially laid off yet either so the business of making time for one is arduous. Skip a day, don't get paid, don't get the job (potentially) and feel beaten and downtrodden for at least a day. My good friend at work says I'm a very funny writer and I should try doing it professionally, adsense my blog up and see if I can score the mother load through ad-clicks. It does sound intriuging but I hesitate because I don't KNOW I'll actually make money.

I wanted to start a baking business. Talked about it a lot last year made a few cakes, everyone loved them it was a good time but my potential partners are running scared because of this lay off and I'm not sure I can do it alone. I need some backup, some poking and prodding to keep me going. Otherwise I just nake for myself and give all my coworkers free stuff and listen to them bitch about getting fat. I actually started cooking it all myself on the off chance that my allergies to artificial colour, flavours and tartarzine as well as MSG were adversely affecting my health. I feel better without all of it and I am losing weight so it seems to be working, albeit slowly. Slow and stead wins the race they say. Hope 'they' are right.

So in the things I didn't mention before category, for a while I was seeing a shrink. My family Dr, also known to me as Dr Useless sent me to get 'help' because he said even though my old Dr sent documentation that I did indeed have PTSD he didn't want to keep giving me the anxiety meds unless it was shrink approved. So off I went to Dr Crazy, she reallt is. Our first meeting she tells me I have authority issues (duh) and we will never connect so she didn't understand why I was there and she probably wouldnt keep me as a patient. I especially like the part where she told me she had no interest in hearing about my 'gorey' past and that that wasn't what therapy was about. She said therapy is about changing the life I have now. Well don't we have to look at how I got here I asked. She said talking is good but it's not necessary. At the end of the session she tells me to think about how I want to change my life and come back and tell her next time. Okey dokey.

I go the next time and she tells me I am an angry little kid blaming everyone and taking no responsibility for myself. She says I'm not really trying to get what I want out of life. She could be right. I haven't resorted to violence to achieve more money, status and power. It works in the movies and it's about the ONLY thing I haven't done - well that and whore myself out. She didn't like that response. She basically wrote me off as a quitter who spends too much time looking for flaws in my superiors rather then working to my full potential and ignoring them. Her real nugget of wisdom form that session was that smokers are seriously unhappy and I should go out of my way to cater to them and be nice to them as their life is so much harder then mine as they have an addiction. Well technically I'm addicted to air, food, water and shelter. Where's my love? Also she told me people with tattoos are sadists, the realized that means you like to hurt others and chaged that to masochists (pronounced by her as machoists). She said that tattoos are a desecration and that people who do that to themselves are deeply troubled. I said it's my temple I'll decorate it as I see fit. She wrote that down to 'remember'.

I didn't stop there. I went back for more german accented Oprah rehash. The third appointment she told me I had wasted most of my life being overweight and it was almost too late for me to change. She wanted me to have Dr Useless refer me to an endocrinologist as he must be either missing something apparent or just skipping over finding a way to make me thin. I also told her I had gotten free tickets to Sexapalooza and took my friend for her Birthday. She told me anyone that thinks sex is funny is depraved, that people that go to sex shows are deeply sexually dysfunctional and need help of the highest sort and that I was a deviant and going to suffer from loneliness forever because I saw nothing wrong with that kind of show or the fact it had a dungeon.

About that time I decided I had had enough with the judgemental Dr Crazy and saw Dr Useless where I told him that she was offended by my weight and wanted me to see an endocrinologist. He got pissed and said she is a medical Dr she can order it herself and then he asked why Iwas going to her at all since we didn't get on. I siad it was because I thought I had to to get my meds. I told him some more of her 'insights and he said the magic words. I will refer you to someone else if you want you don't have to go back there. I haven't been back since. I do so enjoy my life without BS platitudes.

I'm really going to miss all my friends from work when we don't get to see each other anymore. If only someone out there would hire me for a hot office job I'd be set. Keep blogging :)

I heard the news today Oh Boy

2010-01-29T14:11:00.002-05:00

Err well rather we all heard the news Monday. Our crappy call center is closing and all the jobs are moving to the Philippines. My funny meter went off when it was announced that not only are the phone agents, whom management have run into the ground with glee - were getting canned, but management themselves are also getting axed. It's the first time I've seen any of them acting like human beings rather then royalty and it's a nice change. Well most of them are.

Of course I've been looking half heartedly for a job in non call center work for months now and have achieved not even an interview. I'm stepping up my applications but now I have 800+ known people competing with me for most jobs, not including all the other unknown unemployed in the city. Supposedly the City Council is lobbying to keep the jobs, but unless they are willing to give us a city contract and accept by and large we are unilingual then I doubt they will help at all, it's just a press drive for them.

It's no secret that we here can't compete with places like the Philippines for a companies profit margin. Our Minimum wage is high, so is the cost of living. My rent went up January 1st. Milk Eggs and Bread have just gone up at the stores nearest me as well. So I cannot afford for a cut in my wages so the company I work for can increase their profits from the company they contract to, which if we are honest is all the move is about. When the dollar was lower it was easier for American company A to have us take calls for American Company B and now the dollar is higher ( although not as high as it was earlier on) and doesn't seem to be taking anose dive Company A says gee we can make a lot more money if we take this call center over here where we pay out less of what we get to take the calls. So that is what they did. Leaving 800+ indispensable people in their wake.

As a worker bee, someone who actually deals with the clients on a daily basis, I have been constantly made aware of how dispensible I am. It's a little happy making thing to see the management that like to throw around 'fired for (this)' now whining and sobbing about how unjust it is they too are getting tossed out like the rest of us. It makes me happy because they needed to be cut off, they have ridiculously high salaries compared to us and do nothing but go to coffee all day long and talk down to us about how they understand how hard the job is but we have to jump through this hoop and that just to maybe gat an extra .25 cents next pay. And let us not forget if it seems too many can achieve that they'll just alter the stats to make sure they don't, since the actual structure of the 'incentive' is no formally written, passed down or incorporated it can be changed at any time to make sure the company gives the front liners a little as possible.

Greed. It will kill a business everytime. This time it killed us and next time it could kill you. I can't decide if I want to work for someone else or start my own business at this point. I do have the skills to pull it off but I'm a bit scared and have no one to support me in my waffling about my abilities. That alone could keep me stagnant for years, let me tell you! In the mean time I am working on that blog move and redesign and IF you are still following me after last year I will be back. Better and more organised :) We can hope right :) Keep blogging.

Happy New Year I'm still here

2010-01-02T13:32:00.002-05:00

I've been bad. I've been neglectful. Last year was one of melodrama, stress and bullshit and I decided that I didn't want just a bitch blog so I'm back now that things have settled and I've had to reorganise my mind. A dirty mind isn't bad, a cluttered mind makes it hard to sift through to the meaningful and important and make sense of the things going on. I have a new apartment, a new exercise regime and a new stress level so we will see how this goes.

In the mean time here's what I am thankful for getting through last year:

1) the obvious mental breakdown I was suffering
2) almost breaking my ankle and settling for a 3rd degree sprain
3) deciding work was not as evil as my making it the center of my existence had made it become
4) breaking from old habits
5) finding a way to express my creativity through homemade crafts and food
6) leaving bad influences and toxic people behind

Hopefully I'll actually get around to reworking this blog in the near future. We'll see :) Keep writing.

your a heartbreaker dream taker

2009-01-18T14:29:00.002-05:00

There was a time I was confident that whenever something happened to me that if I went to a doctor and told them it would get fixed or at least they'd figure out what it was that was wrong. After 4 plus months of bouncing from GP to neurologist to Eye specialist to ER to MRI and back, I am convinced that only people who have few interesting things going on are actually doctors and that they spend years learning only how to be contemptuous and dismissive. Out of all the appointments I have had to PAY to get to because of Ottawa's beyond STUPID transit strike, all I have to show for my illness is a variety of forms saying that after looking at me I have been pronounced not ill.

We're not talking about being tested here, we're talking about having a drunk test (walk in a straight line, hold your hands out and touch your nose, jump on one foot test) and a reflex test done I have been told that I am not suffering migraines, numbness in my hands feet and face, buzzing in my ears, nausea, dizziness, burning pain in my eyes, eye sockets and hands and arms, seizures in my right hand, jaw spasticity and facial ticks at all. In short I'm suffering unrelated symptoms and have been told that my problems are psychological. I have seen a shrink who says I don't need to see him either because I am not suffering psychologically.

To add to my joy I was forced back to work during this scary time, by the insurance company because the stroke neuro says I didn't have a stroke and the MS neuro says I don't have MS (PS from both - DON'T COME BACK) - while NOTHING else has been examined at all as a cause. I went to my GP friday to be told there's nothing he can do and no he won't test me for anything because I had some blood tests done on or before September last year and I was fine then so I don't need it. Well I'm worse now then I was then soI DO NEED IT. I got so mad I stormed out of his office. He told me if I wanted something done about the seizures I have in my right hand and arm that last for about 2 hours each and leave me unable to use my arm for the better part of 24 hours after - then I had better call the neuros I had already seen and ask if they can be bothered to see me again. I went there thinking that even if he couldn't do anything he would at least pretend that this was a) IMPORTANT NEWS, B) SCARY to me and not to be smirked at and c) say he would get me into a neuro to get this checked out. Apparently proactivity from a doctor these days is ABNORMAL. If I advance from focal to Grand Mal seizures he will believe me. And he also accused me of lying about wht the shrink said, saying "I haven't gotten his report yet so I don't know what he said."

If there is a lawyer out ther reading this can I sue any and all of these freaks for their inability to look for a reason that after 37.5 years of never having these issue I am having them? Can I sue for frustration and plain old malpractice? I can't believe out of the lot of them only one Doctor has found anythig out of the usual and he is an opthamologist. Not the one I expected to believe me after all this or to work hard to determine what the issue is.

I totally hate Doctors all together now and IF it turns out they missed something severe I will sue, that will wipe the smirks and attitudes right out of their universe ( I hope but probably not).

Keep blogging.

well i loooked all over the world

2008-10-26T11:59:00.002-04:00

I have a love hate relationship with doctors. I know there is something wrong with me, I go to the doctor. A lot of the time I'm told I'm wrong and sent off with a different diagnosis or remedy for what I'm told is ailing me. Over the years it's been ok but now that I am having some very atypical issues, it's kinda annoying. I saw Dr. Quack the stroke neurologist Monday and he basically made fun of me. I spent more time talking to the nurse and intern then to him, and when we did speak he didn't really look at me, he had an entire conversation with my knees.

The bottom line, or his anyways, was I didn't have a stroke so he wasn't interested. To sum up he said I didn't really have migraines I had tension headaches, that I kept getting headaches because I took medication to get rid of them and to stop that and suffer with it. Also according to him my hands face and feet are numb because I have carpal tunnel and my eye issues can be chalked up to bad glasses so I should get my prescription updated.

I had the EMG where they basically zap you with varying degrees of voltage to see how the nerve conducts, and it really hurt at the high end and on the 'funny' bone, but the testers assessment is that I DO NOT have carpal tunnel in the least. Take that Dr. Quack. My family Dr. desperately wants me to have an MRI and I have an appointment with a neurologist the 20th November - this one is supposed to be a headache Dr., and if that doesn't work out I have an appointment at the Headache Clinic in March to see another headache Dr. because DR. Quack believes in referrals so I got referred right away from him alright.

In the meantime I am well disappointed that I don't know what's going on yet. I was hoping I'd get lucky and know something by now but nope. And of course the insurance people are screwing me around for my short term, apparently everyone thinks I should go to work and leave sick everyday thereby ensuring I get paid even less then the stupid sick pay, because then no one would have to do any work over there at Sunlife. I don't think they work much anyways since returning calls is the easiest thing to do and they don't. I really love not being able to work and panicking about being evicted because they think it's funny to send me 100$ a week, which is less then waht I make in a day at work.

I'm going to go cry. Keep blogging.

all of these lines upon my face tell you the story of who I am

2008-10-09T16:13:00.002-04:00

I've been lax again but I have a really good reason. I've been getting weird headaches, blurred vision, numbness in my hands and face, and a host of other on going and annoying issues. My Dr won't guess what's wrong, except it maybe MS. I had a CAT scan and they found nothing (yes I had my head examined and there's nothing there) but no one wants to list possible conditions that include the above and other symptoms. It's kept me from work and I can't travel far without feeling like hell but other then that contemplating how I would live my life as someone with a disability such as this has been on my mind as of late. It makes me kind of all brood and no fun gal.

I'm seeing a neurologist on the 20th so hopefully something will be found out then and I can get fixed up and figure out how to live my life with whatever is the issue.

Keep blogging.

dishing out love to a hungry world tell me would that appease you

2008-09-14T21:03:00.002-04:00

Yea so I'm not Joe Sanity these days. My POS job is giving me migraines. Mostly because I care. I care that I'm getting passed over for promotions that I work for, ask for and lobby for all the while being told that I can't have it because I haven't been doing X long enough, or if I want to advance in the company I should move to get a better job. All that while watching people who are just days and weeks into the contract get the training I asked for and I know they aren't doing a better job then I am. How? Becuase all these newly advanced are more then willing to tell you how they are fucking the dog and yet they still get the breaks. I'm pretty sick of it and the smug bullshit of my managers.

I keep looking for guidance here, I mean what do I do? Who do I turn to? Everyone I ask has a different story and most won't leave the job because they won't get paid the same somewhere else. I can say that right now money isn't driving me as far as making a decision, I want a little more stability and knowing I can't really lose this job isn't the sticking point it used to be. I'm tired of the building, the people, the blame game where no one is ever responsible for anything or willing to actually help you out. There is NO upward or lateral mobility here for me and being told that my best options for advancement would be to physically move from Canada to the US is bullshit. A week later there is a position open I've also been told I won't qualify for because I've been sick lately, so my attendance is bad. Fuck you!!

It's not that I love my job or the people. I actually hardly see anyone I used to be pals with because we all have different schedules and we don't socialise outside of work so I can't even say I'll miss the people. I don't have a set schedule and no idea what I can do to get one short of getting a doctors note saying I have restrictive work hours. So I've been looking. Actively looking. Not just looking at jobs that will take me to bigger and better paycheques either, actually just looking for anything that seems interesting. Currently I'm planning to apply at a nearby grocery store that has fulltime postions open so that if I get that and the pay isn't too low I can just quit Hell and move onto something else I may hate soon enough but eill enjoy learning and doing for a while.

I keep reading my hororscpe and it keeps saying to stop doing what I've always done and good things will happen. Well I need a little more then that, because depending on the time I've stuck with a job not quitting til something better came along like more money or hours, I've left without having a job to go to, I've left high paying and gone to service jobs just to not be doing the same thing all the time and I've tried my damndest to get soemthing that sounded interesting just to see if I could. Except for the quitting part I'm doing all of the above now. Applying to higher paying jobs, jobs in a differnt line with higher pay, jobs in a different line with lower pay and anything that sounds interesting. The road block I keep hitting is mental. People keep asking what I want to do, well I want to do anything I can to make money. It's not that I'm unskilled or looking to be more of a slacker I just want something fulfiulling and that doesn't leave me with no options. I don't want another dead end job.

There are a lot of cons to this need I have to break free of the call center. If I go somewhere else I'm on probation for the first 3-6 months and can be fired anytime. I may not have any benefits or the same retirement options I have now, I am almost 40 does being a job hopper now look bad or is being satisfied with my job all that matters? Why can't I find a niche were asking questions and being a customer service fiend is enough? Where it doesn't get me labelled as a trouble maker or berated and or yelled at by some a-hole manager who feels imparting wisdom is like a tongue lashing and is wrong anyways. I really HATE my current job and I'm doing all I can not to quit or do so poorly that there is no suprise I'm leaving, but it's starting to seem like this is all in an effort to force certain people out of the door. I'm going to apply everywhere. And I'm going to talk to unemployment because my job duties have radically changed and I have no ability to ever earn more at my job. I'm sure they'll tell me to piss off and that I'm a whiner but I have to pursue all my options.

Keep blogging.

is it any wonder i don't know what's right

2008-09-08T21:56:00.002-04:00

I finally got the gumption to start looking for a web host service and emailed a local place that offers domain services and hosting. Of course they didn't get back to me. It makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with these places? Ok I'm not a business and I won't be making a lot of money from my site, but I'm willing and able to pay not only for the domain name and hosting but all I want is the ability to run a wordpress blog and I get zip.

I'm getting to the point where I'm too pissed to care. I just realized my second last post didn't post it was stuck in drafts for no reason. My job SUCKS and I'm getting numb about it, I am literally only there because of the money now and every day it's an argument I have with myself that I have to go there and do the work to get the money so I can have the things I really want. Of course that doesn't include a life because I am a shift worker and socializing doesn't factor in when they decide to make you work weekends 10 hours a day and with random days off that you won't know about more then 2 weeks in advance. While they will positively batter you within an inch of your life about the time you want to retire, they seem to feel that disabling your ability to plan in advance will in any way hamper your desire to remain with the company. Don't even get me started on the fact that being a woman in this dump guarantees you less ability to move up on the now non existent ladder from agent to anything else. Oh I HATE my job.

I'm at the point now where I am starting to panic about how worthless my entire life is, my job stress dripping into every part of my existence. I want different, better or at least someplace where being appreciated isn't just a lip service event. I am starting to fear that I'll just quit, fuck the pension, the benefits the above minimum wage pay. I almost want to cry with frustration when my alarm goes off and I know I have to get up and go to that damned job. I'm seriously contemplating calling in to join a generalized depression study since for months now I don't want to even leave the house and see others, work day or not. Well actually I've always been generally anxious, paranoid and suspicious. I had a bad childhood you see.

I am not at all happy that I haven't kept up with this blog, but I will make the excuse that despite the mental trauma my job is causing me and the physical suffering that has induced, I am making other efforts to be kinder and fuzzier to myself that are making other area of my life better. Since taking a firmer grip on my diet and eliminating almost all artificial colours, flavours, sweetners, tartarzine and msg I feel better and am forced to actually cook for myself (egads!). I've had those food allergies for years and never thought much about them but have noticed since I started eliminating that from my diet I am losing weight and having fewer allergt headaches (sinus related). Not that I inhale my food but I swear somehow eating it would cause sinus issues for me. I'm not 100% allergy free as I'm still allergic to the rest of the world but it's helping to lessen the overall drearyness of the allergy seasong for me and that is always a good thing.

Keep blogging.

The Tudors

2008-09-01T11:45:00.002-04:00

I've been watching the Tudors lately. As far as a tv show goes it's very interesting and pretty to look at. Being that history is something I've always been interested in I can't take the show too seriously since it takes great pains to dramatize certain things and downplay, rewrites or ignores others to forward the story. Once I started watching I got hooked, at first I was a bit put off by all the emphasis on sex, but let's face it it's a cable series and sex is what makes them go boom right? Looking past that it's nice to see a show that regardless of the titles given to the events like the restoration or the excommunication or execution - it's nice to see a show that to me gloriously revels in the theme of power and what people will do with it, to get it and to keep it.

I myself have had a fascination with the kings of old since I discovered Arthur when I was 8, however I have travelled down the road through the monarchies of Russia, Austria, Italy, Spain, France, Britain with equal abandon. I like to find out who did what to who and why, royalty is the original soap opera. Especially how it is portrayed here in the Tudors. This is fairly dramatic soap opera fare but soap opera none the less. I love the costumes and the banter, althought the time line is sketchy and somewhat impossible for me to follow since Henry the 8th rarely changes in appearance yet years go by in a coupls of episodes. What most brought to mind the soap opera anaolgy for me wasn't so much the wailing whinyness of Queen Anne, but the soap opera ploy of have a kid, the kid leaves for a bit and when it returns it is suddenly much older then the time that seems to have passed. It happens with Mary and Elizabeth the King's daughters, and I may have missed it but I'm still not sure it was mentioned that Charles had a child until the boy appeared.

It's nice to see a show that wants to go back and show that intrigue and deception, passion and brutality existed then as it does now. Dress it up however you may but people are still using sex and jealousy to get what they want, still using threats and force to get things done. Those in power still have money and finery and women whille in that time were powerless pawns here portrayed as puppets of their reaching families; can have a mind of their own and desires that drive them to good and evil. For the most part to me th Tudors is interesting in showing how all people at the time may have been, without over emphasising the social structures or conventions of the times to limit the characters we are allowed to imagine the people of the day and judge them with our current values.

Using current values to look at the events of times past isn't always a good thing. It leads some characters to be vague and purposeless for their behaviour isn't explaind in the context of their social norms they are presented as if they were someone from today and I'm fairly sure someone from today would most likely have been killed on sight if not once they spoke, for the differences in customs from now to then are so great. Yet in this series the customs are only hinted at or outlined to us, not followed to the letter. I think the show would be less entertaining and elegent if that were the case because the social niceties of the time were many. By using the events and people I feel the series does a nice job of creating interest in the history of the time and weaving a fanciful tale of how it all could have been. Historical innacuracies be damned, it's a good one to watch.

don't you want me baby?

2008-07-25T18:45:00.002-04:00

It's bee a long time, so long I can't remember when I last wrote here and it wasn't intentional either I've just been trying really hard to do other things and ended up neglecting the blog. Poor blog. But now I'm back. At least for now.

Nothing overly exciting has been going on. I am told by my stat counter that people still come here to see if I wrote anything. I appologise to you all for not saying boo for so long, however I got in the way and now I'm trying to get back to being out of the way of the blog. We'll see how that goes.

The most exciting things I have done lately is make a budget, adhere to a budget and freak out about all the thousands I owe to my now totally found Student Loans. If I could have held out I may have had better things happen but in the interest of being honest I looked for them and am realizing now that truly they will never be paid off, and I don't have a job in my field either. Hot damn.

I went to my own double feature today. I love ABBA so I went to see Mama Mia. I love Meryl Streep and the cheesy over the topness didn't grate too much, but damn Pierce can't sing. Don't forget to watch the end credits, they're a a hoot. It's an all signing all dancing ABBA fest that is a little unrepentant in it's lusty willingness to drag out any ABBA song that may fit the bill. Granted mostly it's girls singing, so the men when they do sing are noticeable and easy to pinpoint. I happen to think Christine Baranski and Julie Walters little solos are genius, especially since the majority of the movie is Streep or Amanda Seyfried centric. Not everyone is an agile singer in this one, and that's ok. Seyfried sounds like a pop princess, Streep reminds me of Broadway with her

I didn't go to see that though, I went to see the Xfiles. I couldn't not go. It's a show I still watch today on DVD, and I really like the characters. Despite there being an obvious aging of the people involved I quite liked it. It's a good thriller that conforms to the genre and precepts of the show. Scully's grating waffling not withstanding, I know every time the case is faith based she has some weird allergic reaction to Mulder and or the situation and wants to pack it all in, so I sat there and watched that allegory for the umpteenth time and waited for the plot to progress. Progress it did, and yeah you can say some of it is contrived and forced and possibly done to end the series once and for all. But it was still action, adventure, bitchiness, perception, gore and freakishness - totally Xfiles to me. Go see it, if you like the show at all you like the movie.

where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods

2008-05-25T10:36:00.002-04:00

It's been a while, but I've been trying the whole put a positive spin on things slant. So while I've been flipped from midnight shifts to straight mornings with but 2 days grace to get used to it. And while I HATE billing contracts and people screaming about 3 cents I sit every day praying that I'm not brining on any kind of hypertension or raising my blood pressure to damaging levels because I am pushing 40 and I don't want to be another statistic especially based on my family history.

I still hate my job, most all of us in my training class do. Hardly anyone has quit yet as we all need a paycheque to replace this one before we can do that. If I was certain I could get 2 part time jobs as soon as I left this job I'd leave now. I can pay my rent for next month already, I can scrounge for more. Thing is though, there have been a lot of lay offs in town recently, layoffs of people doing the exact same job as I was who are now coming to my workplace to get hired because it's not the same job but we're always hiring. Call centres can't keep people because they're designed to shoot you out. With crappy shifts and outrageous work loads for not even remotely what someone hired directly by the company would get, people don't feel allegiance to the job or the company paying them, usually not to the company they are being paid to represent either. In some cases they will feel allegiance to having their rent paid or their mortgage so they stick it out. That doesn't make having a shitty job any easier.

So I am applying like mad to higher paying, or about equal paying jobs and hearing nothing. I did get some kind of computer generated response telling me I was way over qualified to work for X company and to try somewhere else. That so didn't make my day. In a country where all you are hearing about is shortages and giant flocks of retirees leaving and a demand to replace them, you wouldn't think being over qualified would matter. If we are really supposed to change jobs ever 5-7 years (more like 3-4 for me) then why is it so hard to get into a position that you have experience doing? It's either not enough or too much and no one wants you. Thing is you can never gauge by the add and tailor your resume enough that you are showing only enough to make them interested.

So this is what I've been doing. I've been trying to figure out how I ended up in generation gets fucked over. It's really starting to seem like all those things I was promised while growing up, that there'd be lots of jobs and there'd always be a need for hard working people - well it's bullshit. Unless someone owes you a favour you aren't going to get a better deal. I've passed all the tests, dotted all the i's and crossed all the t's and I may end up becoming a maid, because they'll take anyone who can drive and pass a criminal check, they pay as well as where I am now and they really don't give a shit if I'm a rocket scientist they want someone who shows up and does the job. Which I totally am. Too bad the rest of the employers out there don't seem interested in a worker who wants to work.

don't stop me now

2008-04-11T18:05:00.002-04:00

It's a rainy grey day here in old Ottawa. It's dull and dreary, just like the outlook on my current job. Billing is something I have never enjoyed, and working in a call centre doing billing makes me wish I could just be punched in the head for pay. Yeah I really don't like it. I went and applied for a few other jobs, but those will take time to hear from, so in the meantime I have to stay where I am and try not to burst into tears. I've never been that good at raging insincerity, but I know a lot of people who are and they will excel in this job I'm sure.

While looking for jobs I got myself a credit card and I got a new hard drive and ram for my computer. In my remaining spare time I hooked back up with my BBF pre college and perfected my low fat, wholewheat oatmeal chocolate chip recipe. Yippee. So my current weekend will be full of reformatting and installing hard ware, which I'm sure will make me homicidal so I'm also looking to shop a bit. I'm thinking about what exactly I'll go looking for but rest assured I'll find something to amuse and satiate my need to own stuff.

In the past, since the last post, I have also become one with my inner conflictionary - and have decided that I am giving up that need for conflict. In the absence of that drive consumerism has taken over and has been constantly at war with my inner scrooge. Scrooge is winning, funnily enough, so I see no harm in indulging the consumer with some window shopping. At worst I buy a lot of things, at best I get a day out, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a new pair of sneakers. All things I actually need. Keeping to the do-I-really-need-it mentality has been keeping money in the bank. Of course all that personal do goodery is making my outward pessimist panic and things I can't control are generally on the worst case scenario tip -> but it's all good.

Keep blogging.

no one is watching me slide under street level barely alive

2008-03-22T00:25:00.001-04:00

Right this second I feel very run down. Almost run over. Life is disappointing these day at best and I don't know how quite to turn th\is frown upside down. People appear to be creatures of lies and fear, and I'm really tired of all of it. I'm tired of other people's dear and their obnoxious lies. It's all getting to me this full moon, and while I don't have to deal directly with the freaks that come out as customers on these days, I have plenty of freaks to deal with right where I am.

From listening to someone do the simper and moan about their incompatibility with their other, pandering for someone to tell them they are not a freak and they are right and justified. I can see the end to the relationship coming, if you're so needy of outside validation then inside not only is it not there it's not EVER coming. I watch people everyday who don't tell themselves the hard truth, who fear to do what they want and beg others to assist them in justifying it.

Do I justify that Belgian chocolate pound cake I got for Easter? Nope. I bought it and I ate it and if I had another I'd eat it too. I also ate the yummy rainbow trout fillet I got and I'm going to keep eating because I need food to eat. Am I over eating? Yes, not as much as I have in the past, not for the exact same reasons either, but a little none the less. And I am aware I will have to work on that. I am responsible for it and working to not do it. Like any bad habit it is HARD to break.

On the other hand I am getting exercise. Ice, snow, slush and rain can't stop me and I have sore legs to prove it too. Just getting to the street these past weeks has been a hike and I never thought I'd like hiking that much. Apparently I do. I also like living alone. Of course I have to force myself out of the house on a regular basis. Not because I love the privacy and low stress so much, but because I have no motivation to leave the house now. Disliking living conditions is a sure fire way to get oneself moving and otherwise you are just finding something else to do. It's what I do anyways, I just excuse my reticence to leave the house by manufacturing something more important to do.

I'm giving up excuses for Lent, and forever. I am tired of them and the lameness they inspire. Instead I plan to work harder to make the thing I want happen. I haven't quite built the solid resolve I need to not fall back to making excuses, but I'm trying and that's half the battle right now.

Keep blogging.

that's not the end of my world just a slight change of plan

2008-03-15T04:30:00.001-04:00

There comes a time when you look around and wonder what the fuck am I trying so hard for? I work hard to get ahead and am devalued at work. I work hard to keep friendships alive while others toss them aside as if they were used kleenex. I try hard to stay fit, not break my diet and be a good person. I try to not be cynical about another lousy 10 cent pay increase, when I'm doing a whole lot more work and getting better feedback then almost everyone. Life is always playing favourites, and I'm not on that team. I get it.

This doesn't stop the overachiever in me from striving to be the best, and being mad when my work goes unnoticed. Or the optimist in me from hoping that it will all turn out well in the ens and being forever disappointed at the next shitty thing that happens. It doesn't stop me from trying, but I'm starting to wonder why bother. All these people around me aren't trying for shit and they seem to be getting everything they want. The better raise, the better shift, the house and car. The move on to the better jobs and I keep trying to get some faceless employer out there to notice me and after I'm hired, to place real value in me.

But I am not an ass kisser. I am not a toady. I do not not ask the hard questions, and I argue to be explained to when I don't understand. I am not the go with the flow, ply the boss with falsities to get what I want kind. I have little interest in office politics and so am ever the last to know anything. This riles me up. It makes me dislike the things I try too hard to ignore, even more. I've only had one job I loved and one boss who real,ly understood and valued me. I miss those days when everything seemed easy and finding a place seemed possible.

Now I'm forced to wonder what tomorrow will be. How I will be lumped in with all the other people who don't try, can't or won't make their numbers and just don't care. Because there is no I in team, no one here values the individual, rather the statistics are key and they alone will get you by. But I'm kind of tired of just getting by. Maybe it's time to really move on. Time to get a real job, not just another this will do job. I've made an unstable career out of them already. So now I have to fight with my need for certainty and security to face the jungle of probationary periods and job interviews looking for the elusive job I'll like and boss who gets me. Would I settle for one or the other? Probably. But I'm praying for both.

Keep blogging.

it falls apart in little pieces on the floor

2008-03-14T00:54:00.003-04:00

There is always the other shoe. If everything is calm and peaceful and flowing smoothly there is always something that will happen to kink it up. The other shoe falls and things go wacky. We're losing our contract. If it isn't enough i just moved now I may be looking for a job, and I HATE that. I really don't love the idea of doing billing and having people scream at me day in and out and about whatever, because they can and we can't hang up. I don't like that idea one bit. I am already weighing my options.

Of course my options so don't pay what I make now. Leaving this job means MORE loss. A pay cut, a loss of benefits, loss of vacation, loss of friends. I can't forget leaving for anything but another call centre makes me a regular joe, and that pretty much ruins my schedule of vampirish nightowlism. I finally got into the graveyard groove and mow I'll be back on days. Not days I get to pick either, but I may get the weekends off by default. Maybe, because no one know anything for certain. No one that is talking to me anyways.

But I've been thinking of this for a while. Thinking getting a real job, an actual 9-5, regular office job would be awesome. I have only applied for one, because I want to go where I am interested in and not another stop gap job where I while away my days, watching my life disappear doing nothing I even remotely care about because it's easy. Because I'm too lazy to try to get something else. Something better, something where I actually may have value and a boss I like (haven't had but 1 or 2 yet).

So despite all the rigmarole I've been through lately, all the angst and annoyance, the total stress and bullshit of the move and making the money to afford this choice -> now I have to make another series of stressful and hard choices that could leave me unemployed if I get turfed in the 3 month probationary period all jobs seem to have now. Maybe I'll get lucky. I'll walk in and BAM we'll click and all will be AWESOME. Because I believe in fairy tales and I really need this last bit here to be the last shoe to drop. I have several complete sets now. So universe, if you're reading, be awesome.

Keep blogging.

i am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

2008-03-05T16:05:00.005-05:00

So I live this close to a water tower now. I've heard that that means your water pressure will be good. It's frickin amazing. Funny how water blasting out of the taps makes something so worthwhile eh? There seems to be one dedicated chain smoker on each floor so I can't escape the smell of cigarettes, however I live alone now so there are no interrupts, inconveniences or imperfections that I don't orchestrate myself these days. God that's nice.

My previous roommates seem to think emailing me and letting me know that there is a message on their machine is good enough for relaying. Not giving me the name and number of the caller or anything, that may be divulging too much. I swear the more I'm away from them the dumber they appear when I hear from/see them again. Oh well. We weren't truly friends anyway.

It's been a couple of years since I lived alone and so getting used to it, while not really an issue, is more related to getting used to being in an apartment building then anything. Like how whenever I'm in a rush the elevator stops on every freaking floor, especially the 2nd - to take people to the 1st. Geez people from the 2nd floor, walk to the 1st it isn't that far. I'd walk myself but I haven't yet, and I live several floors above you. It appears people are perpetually moving out of this place too, so I don't know if it bodes well for the longevity of this living situation or not.

This weekend me and my pals are going to the Ottawa Women's Show. It'll be fun to go with others and grab freebies and such. Then I'll spend the night at work so we'll see how incredibly tired the show and Turkish food leave me. I don't think it can be worse then all the snow and ice rain we've had recently. I look at it all and can't help but think when it does get warm, people may flood. At least I don't have to worry about that anymore.

Keep blogging.

there you go way too fast don't look out you're gonna crash

2008-02-09T19:30:00.000-05:00

Ah how is it after the move there's always something else that goes wrong? I got my insurance, all the missing pieces for making the perfect home and I even have curtains. Lime green and funky as hell but curtains none the less. I'm turning into a grown up and then I get a cold. A fairly craptastic head cold that's migrated to my larynx and now I have laryngitis. Yeeha. Well at least it's a simple something that went wrong. Some thing that can be fixed and I'll be fine by Monday I'm sure. Until then it's all about the resting up and ignoring the haters.

I currently don't really have cable so now I have to entertain myself in less commercially endorsed ways and it's been fun actually. Catching up on movies I haven't seen before and all, it's really nice having the ability to just catch up on things - thanks writers strike. Of course I do have many programs I was watching and may feel compelled to get cable come September to make myself one with the potential prime time schedule or I may have over come my complacency addiction.

I'll keep you informed. Must go drink lots of orange juice. Keep blogging.

with the sun in your eyes and on your own

2008-02-02T20:21:00.000-05:00

I made it. I moved to my new place Friday. Lucky, lucky me the movers came before the snow did so me and my crap were all here when the blizzard happened. Yeeha.

As it is, no one did make it out to assist me, other then the paid variety that is. I do feel I paid too much, but I'm cheap and the movers were fast, friendly and funny. Really funny. It made everything nice and better. Even when I had to haul my large ass into the cab of the moving van, 4 feet off the ground to go the new address. Yes, they even gave me a ride to the new place instead of letting me walk. Such sweethearts I tell ya. The took my bed apart and put it back together because some of the screws are stripped. I kind of wished I hadn't mangled my self taking that futon apart for they would have put it back together for me too. Oh well.

I'm here now and I need curtains and a strong strong person to change my shower head. Other then that, it's cool. I'm having an issue with the space difference here as opposed to there. The fridge is so small and it whines when it runs so it's taking some getting used to. I am getting a storage locker so I don't have to store anything I'm not using in my wee apartment. Aside from the usual scrapes and bruises from taking apart my place and putting it back together I have torn my rotator cuff so I have to take it easy peasy with my right arm. Not the best fighting shape for work the next few days that's for sure.

So I'm in, unpacking, trying to relax and get back to my overnight schedule. Hopefully all the kids on this floor won't make that too hard. Keep blogging.

i just needed someone to talk to you were far too busy with yourself

2008-01-25T21:44:00.001-05:00

I hate moving. All the packing and sorting and throwing stuff out. I've been bruising my hands carrying stuff around, breaking my nails and generally being surprised how easy it is to get rid of years of collective crap. I took all my old journals, the bitchy whiny shit I've been hauling around because it seemed so important to remember what happened and I shredded it all. It was all the same, really. Years and years of blithering. Not one awesome thing to say, nothing profound. I've given all that up so I got rid of that too. Who did what to who, what I perceived to be going on. Who gives a shit? Not me anymore.

Of course I've still got tonnes of stuff to lug around. I have reams of poetry no one reads. I'll eventually get it all online but lately I've not had the time or taste for it. Half my family isn't talking to me. My sister went through her bi-annual I hate you's by picking a fight on the phone with me, hanging up when I refused to answer her then she emailed me with the intent of ruining my birthday - to tell me how I ruined her life and how I hate her. I've heard this all before and I just don't care. She says she's happy and has moved on, I call Bullshit and she stops talking to me. Oh well. This is nothing new.

The new stuff is way more freaky. Aside from having 3 dinners for my birthday I actually got a present. I lost my hat during one dinner, but I found it a few days later so it's really all good. The really FREAKY part is that apparently my dead ex husband (did I mentioned I laughed maniacally about that?) didn't take me off his RSP and I have inherited it. I don't know if it was an oversight, that he figured that since he drained the other one if there was anything to transfer it would go to a new account or if it was on purpose regardless of the account, or he just didn't think of it and never took my name off the account. Either way I now have more savings locked in then before. I now need to get that stuff updated. I need to get there and fix up my name and stuff. We aren't married and he's dead, I sure don't want to keep his name now. Not that I did before, but I need a push because I'm kinda lazy about these little details. This just really shows you why you shouldn't be.

I've been making changes, big and small. I chopped all my hair off and now have a funky shag which I'm loving. I'm committed to losing even more weight in the new year, even without a gym membership I've been doing ok so I now have access to 11 flights of stairs I can take and I'm looking into aquafit classes, I love to swim so why not?

Keep blogging.

your silver grin, sticking it in

2008-01-13T22:21:00.001-05:00

There is always someone who is going to resent what you have. People are jealous creatures. Whether they resent your status, fame, wealth, brains, beauty or material goods someone out there thinks they are better and more deserving then you of everything. There are names for these people. Climbers, reachers, wannabes. What ever you call them, you know at least one and you know someone who they have targeted as the object of their derision.

Of course it's possible that they have more then one target, or that everyone they talk to they then turn around and talk about with something negative to say. There are people who are just negative about everything and everyone and then there are the trash talkers, the ones who never have anything good to say about anyone because it makes them feel better. Let's face it, unless we don't speak and are socially retarded, we've all engaged in trash talking at some point - about people we do and don't know. This is also known as gossip.

There are people out there who will be nice to you your whole life, just to talk about you behind your back. They will deny it to your face too. Then there are those that will tell you to your face what they say behind your back, which is nice because it cuts the lying - but most people won't believe it anyways.

There will always be people in your life who want to know about you so they can take that information and use it to 'inform' others in a gossipy fashion, highlighting and or totally distorting what ever you may have actually said. People talk, and people love to talk about other people. There are entire businesses built upon that idea. Tabloids anyone? The simple fact is that the only way no one will ever say anything about you to anyone is if they A don't know you or B are dead, otherwise, at some point, they're going to say something. It may not be nice, it may not be something you want to hear - but if you're lucky they will be your friend and telling you whatever they may to someone else. Otherwise, well you've just risen in the ranks of the tabloids.

Keep blogging.

wontcha play another somebody done somebody wrong song

2008-01-05T03:13:00.001-05:00

It doesn't matter who did what to who. What lie was told, what agreement was forgotten in malice or self centered-ness. What matters is this is a new year. What matters is I know what I want and what I won't accept. No one else needs to know what will happen, I'm the only one that matters.

Some may say I am a little late to adopting the mantra of Generation Y - ME ME ME it's all about ME, but I'm Gen X so what does it matter? People may rail at that assessment, however I know a great many Gen Y-ers and it's all the same, self centered talky talk about what they want and and deserve. Being vocal about that is never a bad thing, being too reticent to go get it is. I am neither. I don't spend a lot of time talking about what I want I just go get it. This can be a good and bad thing, however it is mostly how I manage to succeed in my plans so I'll rate it as an over all positive.

In the spirit of being positive I'm going to endeavour to enlighten this blog. I will also work to getting back to the poetry, however that may continue to suffer until my living arrangements are sorted out finally. It seems I'm endlessly cleaning house as I sort through this and that trying to figure out what needs to be moved and what I can let go of. Having no storage at this place will be a problem, but hopefully something I can work around until I can get a roomier place or a storage locker.

In the mean time I will need to figure out the logistics of getting the dog and the plant to the new place, so some movers will take plants but I don't know one that will move a pet for you. I'll have to see what happens with what people have told me they will do and go from there. In the mean time I continue to pack and sort and cull and move things to the living room. I'll have to book the mover soon, yet I don't know if I can get in before the 1st. I'm hoping this will be known soon.

Keep blogging.

does that make me too normal for you

2008-01-01T01:13:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year.

17 days until my birthday, 30 days until I can officially move out of the house and into my 500+ square feet of living alone goodness. It's nice to know I won't have anyone to deal with but me and the psycho dog, however I worry that the psycho dog will not handle the change well and will bark constantly when I'm not home and get me in trouble with the land lord. It's a small concern but one I am willing to live with.

I am probably going to be throwing out the coffee table and entertainment unit that I have, because the table is broke down and the entertainment unit is too big for my wee 20 inch tv. I need something higher off the ground and, well, something I like. There is one at Canadian Tire on sale that I'm coveting, and I may buy it even if it is not still on sale when I get paid because I want something I LIKE. I'm not that hard to please, I'm just not that into the one I have is all. We'll see what happens.

I have to call and get some more information about the place. Like what is my buzzer number and post box going to be and if I can move in a day or 2 earlier to get a small (if they will give me one at all in the "off season") moving discount. I have to get on getting my mail forwarded and my services changed. I have to cancel the Rogers internet service as it's crap and too expensive. Hopefully that doesn't lead them to turning off my phone service, because even thought the line is all crackly the basic long distance is cheap. This should be an interesting start the year. Wish me well.

Keep blogging.

i doesn't matter if I cry doesn't matter if I bleed

2007-12-20T03:31:00.000-05:00

I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in over 4 years today. I recognised her even though she is a bit heavier then when I knew her before. She seems comfortable with it where as before she was a wee obsessive about being perfect and it was unbecoming. This time around her energy was so calm and I wanted to be her friend again, right then and there. She told me some interesting news. It turns out that my ex husband is dead.

Wow, I came off like a giggling crazed maniac of glee. I always knew he would die soon and I didn't kill him, honest. I just figured, considering how he lived when I knew him, there were few possibilities for him unless he changed drastically; which he swore he'd never do. So he died. I don't know how, but I know when - October 12th, 2007. She told me he was sick. She told me he had an idiot girlfriend and that people felt sorry for him and his illness. I know what kind of sickness he had, it wasn't one of those you can officially feel bad for him kinds like cancer or something - he abused drugs and alcohol until it (or possibly someone else seemed likely too), killed him.

I don't have to worry about running into him anymore. I don't have to worry about where I live or any of that. He's dead and buried, in a Christian ceremony the obit says - and I'm like a widow once removed. It made my day, which must make me the most horribly mutant person to ever walk the earth. Everyone seems to think it does. I'm glad that someone who treated me like crap isn't around anymore. I felt this way when my dad died too, like a giant weight had been lifted and I was free. It seems like an inappropriate reaction about someone I loved, doesn't it? Shouldn't I be sad and possibly do something to express condolences to his family? He's been gone 3 months. He lived 15 months past our divorce, I don't know if that's significant but I had to figure that out.

I should worry about what she will tell people. She really likes to gossip, as do we all - but I know he was telling people I left because he was sick and I couldn't deal with it. True, but not for the reasons he would have given. He wasn't going around telling people he was eating boxes of robaxacet with a mickey of vodka every night, or buying oxycodone from people and eating it like candy. He was careful to make the illness nice and mysterious and guilt worthy. I mean would people feel sorry for him if they knew how he was making himself sick? Probably not, at least not me.

Maybe I shouldn't have been excited to hear that he died. It seems in poor taste. I should have saved that for when I got home.

Keep blogging.

i've become impossible holding onto when everything seemed to matter more

2007-12-18T22:58:00.001-05:00

I'm tired. Working nights and having limited days to run out and get tings done is leaving me slightly sleep deprived. I have things to do like pack and sort and throw out, and I have to go cancel my gym membership and I can't plan that accordingly because people keep fucking off.
If I haven't mentioned it we have mice at the house now. My ex-roommates have decided not telling me what is happening with the exterminators and everything else is the best way to go. In keeping with that I have decided not to bother them with stuff they should know either. Like the gas bill is 123.44. I haven't seen the hydro bill yet, but guess what - my name isn't on the gas bill which means I'm not responsible for it. Of course I'll pay it.

It's getting close to Christmas and as much as I'd love to bliss out at a theater watching cheesy movies like AVP-R and I Am Legend (I read this book because I have a thing for vampires and love Richard Matheson). I am working instead because being paid for the holidays is fine, being paid for them and working them is so much better when I have to hire movers and all that fun moving in February crap. I can't remember what the apartment I rented looks like now and I'm sorta freaking out. I have no storage and I'm thinking I have too much stuff to move into that place. But there is no way I can be separated from my stereo components and Vinyl LP's and 45's. Even the cassette tapes are coming, screw the outdated technology - I can't afford to actually replace all that stuff so it's coming with.

In the spirit of the season people are getting more introverted, that means that there's more of the dreaded telling you what ever to make you go away syndrome. Also more of the back up friendship virus flowing around. Watch yourself, the holidays are a depressing time of year because human frailty is exacerbated by the rampant and apparent lies of convenience that abound in this season. It's the time to have faith in your fellow man, and that means that you're going to be more disappointed then if you were a cynical non believer. People let you down, that's life so move on.

Keep blogging.

don't fall away and leave love bleeding in my hands

2007-12-17T21:02:00.001-05:00

The holidays pretty much suck for me, that's why I work every year. The preponderance of memories where we didn't get along outweighs the ones where it was good. There was always food, and food never fought with you or shamed you. I have food issues, can you tell? Holidays for me more or less are about cookies and working. I don't get invited to dinner at home or anywhere else anymore. By this time of year people are tired of me, or tired of the idea of someone who really doesn't have a family to speak of trying to make them a part of her new fangled family. In the movies and on tv people always gather round their friends and celebrate, not so much in real life when people are already feeling put upon and worry about their own dysfunction. Well they just don't have time for you and yours.

When I think of Christmas I want a nice tree and gingerbread cookies and either I have steak or a tv turkey dinner, it's tradition and quiet. I like it. I already have my 3 foot tree up, I already have the tv dinner. I already have a whole lotta time and a half coming my way for working so I'm mostly trying to avoid thinking about the anniversaries of dead people this month. Amoung the many birthdays I can't escape the New Year's anniversary of my Dad's death. 20 years gone and still making the new year hard. Way to go dad. This year I work New Years so I'll actually be with people who will say Happy New Years and I believe mean it. I'm looking forward to getting my swiss cheese schedule back on track after the holidays, I have 3 days off in a row now and since they are currently split it the days are all blending and not seeming like enough. It's becoming a blur of trying to motivate myself to pack and throw things out.

At the end of this month I will officially be on moving countdown. I have to hire a mover, with the weather and the month and all, no one really wants to volunteer to move me. Heavy stuff and crappy weather are not a good combination. I can't blame them, but then again I'm dreading saving the money for movers as it seems so hard right now to break even and I haven't even seen a utility bill yet. Pray that I don't stroke out when they do come in, 18 days with 4800 watt space heaters and the coldest winter in 15 years are conspiring to give me grey hair and financial nightmares. I swear all I want for Christmas is a lottery win. Then it'd all be easy right?

Keep blogging.

gonna close my eyes gonna watch you go

2007-12-16T22:47:00.001-05:00

Sometimes you just know somethings wrong, even before you hear it. Often times I know something's coming before it happens, that leaves me prepared and at ease. It's always good not to have to guess. Being a good student of people and learning their tells and traits leads to knowing them and predicting their behaviour. Once in a while I'd rather be surprised, it'd be better then being right all the time.

It fascinates me to watch people do the same thing over and over, as if the human condition leads to a predisposition to never learn from one's mistakes. I do it too, don't get me wrong, but I know I'm doing it or know I did it again and I don't say oops either. I don't find it cutesy to shrug things off, to shirk responsibility. I write a lot of stuff on this blog that is built up of bits and pieces of conversations I have everyday. Some days everything everyone says can build up and bug you, to relieve that stress I have this blog. I don't have a tonne of understanding friends, being a gypsy doesn't allow for that really; but I have this blog and the limited readership. It makes a difference to vent, even if no one ever reads it or identifies with it.

In getting ready to move to new digs, I'm getting overwhelmed with getting rid of the useless. The stuff I never used, don't need or want or care to move around. Funny how moving makes you think of your friends. How if you had to make a list how many of them you'd want to take anywhere and have fun with anytime. How many of them would just be a hassle, wouldn't play nice with others and just really aren't friends. It's the season to be festive, and sometimes the best gift you can give someone else is the gift of giving them exactly what they want.

All the people out there that I know who have been good to me this year, thank you muchly. We may not spend any time together again, now I'm a graveyard worker again, but you have helped me out and I thank you. To all the readers, thanks for reading. More things will improve here and even on the poetry blog I swear!

Keep blogging.

what you’re here for, what you bleed for, what you live for

2007-12-09T00:39:00.000-05:00

It's all right now. I have, in the bizarrest and most panicked fashion, gotten exactly what I wanted. I realized this the other day. I wanted those roommates to just disappear and they did. I wanted a new place to live, and I got one without anyone else's help or co-signing of leases. I managed to get exactly what I thought I wanted.

I wanted to live alone again, I wanted a dog for company and I wanted to make as much money as possible. Now I have another apartment I'm not crazy about to move into 1st February. I have a psychotic dog that can't remember who is in charge and I have the graveyard shift at work again, because it's all what I wanted right? I've got it all.

I also want friends who want to spend time with me. People I can call up and talk to, make plans with and actually do those things with. I need friends not related to work, people who aren't tired of me because they see me all the time already. Right now I have no one to call, no one to talk to. No one to shop with or see a movie with. Everyone I know already has friends and lovers and family and plans. I'm the one scrambling to work for the holidays so I don't have to be alone, again.

Some may argue that having a dog means I'm not alone, but he's a terrible conversationalist and lacks social skills. He can't go to the movies with me or shopping, I can dress him up but he's never going to replace people entirely.

So now I have to find a way to be more social. To make friends and meet people to go out with and have fun. I've reached my quota on rearranging my circumstances, now I'm onto changing my life. I don't know if I'll start small but I'll make this happen too; because I am important to me. I am worthwhile to know and good enough to associate with. It's time I stopped waiting. I can go and do things alone, been doing it for years, but now I think I can find accomplices who aren't afraid to join me.

Keep blogging.

is the world still spinning round

2007-11-23T18:52:00.000-05:00

If it's not one thing it's another. The assholes are still in the
building. Due to their preference for sitting on their asses instead
of packing, they are not ready fro the movers to come tomorrow. They
are instead, going to pay 500 for movers and move a whole bunch of
stuff themselves in the car they rented for the weekend. Since I have
to be at work I can not help but obsess about what stuff of mine may
be migrating with them, the conscienceless bastards they are.

I need to obsess since I walked in yesterday and found out that for
shits and giggles they wrote the landlord demanding to be let out of
the lease since the landlord still hasn't (as of 2 pm today) installed
a new furnace and we have had snow for 3 days now. The 4800 watt 220
volt space heaters we are using to warm the place aren't really all
that effective. I can't even tell you the fear the hydro bill
engenders and all I get from people is the bored look these days.
Well I'm sorry but I don't see any of you lot sitting in an near
abandoned townhouse and wondering if you'll be homeless in 2 months.
I am not complaining to win the shittiest life game - I always win. I
am complaining to vent. I need people to be on my side, not joining
the pitty party as I'm sure they see it - but to try to understand how
much this sucks.

I had plans, I was finally getting things together and now I'm sitting
around waiting for realators to get back to me, to get my credit
report, to know IF I WILL BE HOMELESS 1 Feb. No one really
understands that part. Everyone is busy wanting to stay away from
sad, mad angry old me. Everyone wants to think happy thoughts and
plan fro the holidays and all I can think is how I wanted to have that
credit card by now. I wanted to be excited about putting up MY tree
and decorating my new place and all I do have to look forward to is
endless visits from the assholes who feel it's their duty to check up
on me since they are the only REAL lease holders and I'm just the one
living there so what I want doesn't count. AS USUAL.

I'm really tired of the bad. Can it stop now? Can't I have something
nice for Christmas. Please??

Keep Blogging.

feeling old by 21 never thought my time would come

2007-11-17T19:53:00.001-05:00

Sass is saying something about how hate can poison everything, over on
her blog. I'm a transitory person. I write my bullshit out here and
I don't think about it much more. I've always been the kind of writer
that writes to vent. I don't always write about what it is that's
niggling at me either and I can extrapolate from something someone
said to the point where I end up is not even close to where the thing
I mentioned started. Does that make me a liar? Do painters wonder if
their vision is a faithful reproduction of the exact moment in time?
Maybe, but it's all subjective.

I know that hate is a poison. While I can say I hate my roommates, I
sincerely do that for maybe 1 day a week and the rest of the time I
don't care about them at all. I've never hated anyone or anything in
any way that is all encompassing and eternal. I know people far too
well to be able to carry on with caring about them in that fashion. I
can just let it go and move on, which I think will come as a shock to
soon to be the former roommates. They think we'll stay in touch and I
think I don't care to know them anymore, so they're gone and it's
pretty much adios for my interest in them. Really they suck as
friends. I don't need enemies I have them already.

Today I can say I hate them because they are thoughtless idiots who
decided cleaning the house at 7 am was so important that it didn't
matter if I was sleeping. Apparently they couldn't find time in their
busy day of sitting on their asses yesterday to do all the house
cleaning, or perhaps they were hoping I was going to do it for them.
Free maid service ended October 31st for the chores I was still doing,
which weren't many. Because of the racket I wanted to get up and beat
them to death with the space heater. I haven't been sleeping well and
I'm grouchy as hell. Their inherent thoughtlessness has reached a
level even I can't take and I've still got a week before they leave.
Oh and I'm not actually going to be left alone. They've kindly told
their brother that he can move in with me, without even asking me or
anything. He's thinking about it. He doesn't actually want to pay
rent or utilities though, so I can say no to it. I'm not sure that
would make a difference at this point as they are doing what ever they
want and fuck me. Why he isn't staying with them at their actual
place I don't know, except they may not trust me. And they shouldn't.
I'd move out today if I could live in a storage unit with my stuff.
Seriously.

On the bright side there are suddenly several peripheral people trying
hard to help me get out of the house, so I'm not stuck there. I'd
love nothing more then to look at them Monday night and say "Gee I'm
moving December 1st, who are you going to have stay here?" because
this is a problem they created, I'm just trapped in it. I could break
away for 860 dollars a month, if one person is correct about the
apartment and it's availability. That's a bit more then I wanted to
spend; however I can't say it will be less or more then I will be
paying all alone in the townhouse this winter. I'm overly tired of
even thinking about the endless ways in which this can be a horrible
thing for me. And not just because there is still no actual furnace
in the house, over a week later and my roommates won't do ANYTHING
about it.

Really I'm expecting to go home this week and find out that they have
sublet the damn place and I have nowhere to live, because they are
still sneaking around taking calls that they don't want me to over
hear or know about. If I had a dollar for every time the phone rang
and they ran upstairs and closed the door to the room they were hiding
in I'd be able to buy my own house. I know they were a risk when I
went into this, because they are lazy slobs but this conniving sneaky
ass bullshit is too much. That and they hacked my gmail to read my
email. I have so much faith in all that they say and do, and if you
believe that then you are probably not going to understand many of the
words I used on this page.

Keep blogging.

so don't you lose sight of me now

2007-11-12T17:04:00.001-05:00

When I look back at the various decisions that I have made that may
have brought me to this point I wonder if I had made one differently,
or 2 or 3, would I be here now? If there are alternate realities are
there other me's who did make different decisions in the same kind of
pickle - or are they all much happier and I'm just the schlub alt
who's stuck in a shitty time line? Whatever the case, the assholes
who caused the current mess are not leaving fast enough.

I did manage to get a call from housing for a below market rent place
last week. I was kinda shell shocked about it. I mean how perfect is
that? In my time of need I get a rescue call. Being hard on the
pragmatic side these days, I refused to get excited about it. I hoped
it would be awesome but I didn't want to believe it was the thing to
go to, just in case. So I take the 2 buses there and get lost because
the mapquest and google maps don't have the street broken up by a make
shift parking lot. I finally found the place and the guy showing it
to me isn't there. He doesn't answer his phone or show up on time
either. I'm already not happy when he gets there 15 minutes late and
then rushes me through the place.

First off, I don't care how hard up I am, I refuse to rent from a
company that thinks good business is showing an unclean apartment to
anyone. At the very least they could have cleaned the shit off the
bathroom wall before having someone in. Despite all his assurances
that the place would be cleaned, painted and the holes in the walls
fixed there was NOTHING selling me on that place at all. The
neighbourhood creeped me out and I have lived in some rough
neighbourhoods in my life. I lived for almost a year on Sherbrooke
Street in downtown Winnipeg. 2 blocks from my house someone was
beaten into a coma for their shoes. We were a block from the drug
dealers at the corner pool hall and the huffers and rummies littered
the streets. I didn't feel a t all threatened there. I had such a
bad feeling about this place I was kind sure the elevator would just
plummet to the basement and kill us as we went to the 7th floor.

As it was the guy pretty much forgot he even met me. Called the next
day to appologise for not meeting me. I told him we met the day
before and then he couldn't get off the phone fast enough. After that
I thought I should have lied because he was so nice before I told him
we'd met. Oh well.

In other news my roommates girlfriend, the one he doesn't have because
he's married, well she volunteered to my friends that she would cosign
a lease for me to move out of that house. She refuses to say any of
this to my face though, so I don't know if I believe that she meant it
at all or if she was just trying to make friends with people and using
me as a charitable in.

I can't say that I'm interested in her offer because,even though I am,
it hinges solely upon my emailing her which seems like a really good
way for her to forward everything back to him and make my life hell.
I can't understand why she would offer that to my friends then
literally stand in front of me and say nothing. Not one word about it
to me. It's so fishy eve I can smell it.

In the mean time I have to get my shit together and get my secured
credit card, because I need to get my credit back on track enough that
I can be an ok risk all by myself. Obviously I can't rely on other
people to go out on limb for me or do what they say, the time to have
that blind faith in others is gone and it was killed by the current
people who are #1 on my FOAD list.

Because of them I have an uncertain financial future, AGAIN. Because
of them I don't know where I'll be living this time next year AGAIN.
Because of them I currently can't help but wonder how much of anything
that anyone tells me is a complete LIE. Seriously. You can stand
there and give me a 20 dollar bill and I'd think it's probably
counterfeit - that's how utterly paranoid I am about people and their
word. And it's pissing me off. How do I manage to find all the
shitty back stabbers? Really, why is that my gift?

I'll be alone again, for Christmas. That means I'll be working. Not
that I was willing to spend the holidays with them, because I didn't
want to; but I didn't want to be going home to another festive season
where I'm the only one there either. I do have the dog this year, but
it's cruel to dress him as a reindeer then go to work just so I can
enjoy it when I get back. He'd probably eat the costume while I was
gone anyway. All the stress in the house is making the dog nuts
anyways. Poor abused baby he is, he doesn't take change well and is
de-furring his left leg out of stress. I have 3 kinds of bitter stuff
to deter it but he still does it. I don't know how he'll take being
the only thing in the house when they are gone. I mean it's gonna
make for all kinds of fun and quiet and relaxation for me, but for him
it's going to be interesting to see what happens. Hopefully this
doesn't make him uber possessive of me. He already has a bit of that
in him and I don't want to encourage that.

Hope you all are enjoying the new bitch blog. Keep blogging.

we all got our faults we get locked in our vaults

2007-11-09T19:20:00.001-05:00

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Well ok, just in my life
but I can pretend I have my own Circle k. With the sheer amounts of
crazy going on in my life I may as well have.

Our house officially has NO heat. The furnace was burning the wiring
running the fan, instead of actually having the smell checked out my
roommates insisted on running it endlessly, because they are cold
blooded and always COLD. So the furnace is firing up all the time
but the fan blowing the air stopped yesterday, because the wiring was
fried. To fix it the landlords are installing base board heaters.
I'm pretty sure my roommates will now find a way to set something on
fire. I live in fear people, terror at the astonishing idiocy of my
so called 'roommates'.

Not only have we wasted several litres(sorry cubic metres) of gas running a furnace that
was only heating the basement because the blower was burnt out, we are
now going to be hit with an outrageous hydro bill because they can't
not be warmed to the point of wearing shorts. I should note that in
all fairness I am the ONLY ONE worrying about these bills. They don't
care, they won't be there when some of them come in and it'll be my
job to get the money or get disconnected. Yeeha.

In the mean time, all I said about having the damn thing checked was
ignored. I also had the pleasure of hearing my roommate fall down the
stairs because her 2 pairs of socks and bounding down the stairs
didn't mix so well. She says she has a large bruise and she cracked
her ass too. I don't know how you would fall down the stairs hard
enough to split your ass skin, but she managed. It's a sign of the
specialness to come, of that I have no doubt.

Keep blogging.

where the honesty of fear makes a battle like a song

2007-11-06T21:08:00.001-05:00

They are going as of the 24th. People have generally been upset for me that this is happening. No one has said to me that they are right for black mailing me into staying in the townhouse, which is nice. It's nice to get backed up in my indignation. I just wish they would leave already. Instead they are everywhere. Trying to eavesdrop on my phone calls, figure out what I'm doing, where I'm going and asking me to tell them what I intend to do in their wake.

See they are taking the phone, cable and internet with them. Originally the cable and internet were staying but now it's fuck me (some more) time and it's all going. Regardless that I paid to have the damn stuff hooked up here I am getting nothing out of it's move. I suggested (in a moment of insanity) that the remaining bills be put in my name. Thankfully they don't want to do that should I leave and have all that pesky hydro and gas turned off. If they don't do that, I can not bother to pay if it comes to that or me eating. Letting them come up with the funds to keep their names in the good is not something I currently have a problem with, though I may later.

They are in full creep mode currently. I have paranoia about what they are doing when I'm not home. Mostly I worry things will be missing when they leave, also they ignore the dog to the point he is peeing in the house because no one lets him out which makes me angry. Other then that, things are totally the same. They are slobs. He doesn't want to pack so she had to arrange to leave the company a week earlier. When they are both home they try to keep an eye on me to figure out what I'm doing. I'm not telling them shit though, so I'm kinda stressing the secret agent angle.

Both of them pretty much lie around when they are home. He's so depressed he is sick now and she's stressed out because (I Hope) she is worried that he doesn't really want this. It doesn't seem he does since he isn't even making an effort to get into going to bed early and getting up early, which he will need to do for this new job. With him already off there is approximately 1 week where the only person making money for them will be her. Since they are both buying crap like it's going out of style, that will be an issue I'm sure. Mostly because they are going into credit card debt as I type, to get all the things done that are suddenly so important. Not my debt though, so I say keep digging that hole!

To help me out with "my"debt, they are constantly running the heat at the house so I will have a giant gas bill when they leave. They insist it will come in before they leave, I think they lie. Because they do. I can hope they will have to pay for it before they leave. Either way they will have to pay for it.

Keep blogging.

bleeding through a tourniquet smile

2007-11-02T15:44:00.001-04:00

Friends of convenience, substitute buddies, replacement pals, stand ins and back up "friends". All names for what you are if you are the person who is left when someone has exhausted every other avenue of palling around. You're not even picked last, you just aren't even considered until there is no one else left. The last resort when some one is bored or lonely is you.

If you're dating the person then there's a lot of it's not me it's you. Cries for space and me time and permeate even the seemingly closest of alliances and you've run into the ice cold stone wall of the end. The person has lost all interest in you, even as a back up. You may have become a lower form of amusement, like an ego prop or object of derision but you aren't going to get back to any place but the bottom of the not thought of barrel in this situation.

So what do you do? When you're dying for someone to talk you off the ledge and not only does no one answer but they don't return your calls either? When you need a helping hand not a hollow platitude? Well if you are lucky there are other people to turn to, ones who really listen and help and care. If you're not then you are busted up with the realization the you are in a one sided 'friendship' with someone whose only interest in you is what they can get or how you make them feel better about themselves. Maybe you are a charity project, maybe they decided that not being your 'pal' was too hard so they just didn't let you in on the fact that they couldn't care less.

If you're really unlucky, that person who doesn't care is someone you have to see on a regular basis. Then you will have to find a way not to feel worse, or fall back into the pattern you have with them. You'll have to find a way to make sure that they can't just be your friend when it's convenient for them, because that's not friend ship and anyone who tells you it is, is a LIAR.

Keep blogging.

you don't have to tell me what you did i already know

2007-10-31T13:48:00.000-04:00

My asshole roommates took that job. Then they wen tot work and told everyone about it but me. They waited until I got home that night because I, the person they're trying to leave living here paying for everything, was not important enough to tell. To add insult to injury they are now quietly going about doing things so I don't know what's happening until it's done. They had the cable moved without telling me today until it was done. They told me 2 days ago I could keep it because they have cable there already, basic at least. They didn't want me to change the precious package so it's gone now. Mostly because bitch covets my digital converter box.

They expect me to stay here and pay all the bills myself, they'll pay their part of the rent only. I can get a roommate if I want. Because that has worked out SO WELL in the past for me. Nobody fucking cares that my staying here and paying all the bills and having to get cable, phone and internet for myself effective makes it so there is NO WAY I can save money to move by the time the lease is up in April. A monster house like this and we have no idea how much the heat is going to be and I have to pay it all myself. GREAT.

I've called housing twice begging for emergency housing, the aren't calling back. No one wants to co sign for me to get an apartment so I'm screwed. The fucking asshole roommates will do it only IF a) they can break the lease here before the end of April or b)if at the end of April I have NOWHERE else to go. I'm basically living out my worst financial nightmare on Halloween and no one cares. The roommates think I owe it to them to stay here and pay for everything. People at work think I should just take off though no one is willing to help in the escape. Everyone wants to tell me how shitty this is. That I'm stuck in the middle of all this because they couldn't be decent and straight up and tell me what was going on, before anything happened.

That helps about 1% with the misery, but does nothing for the blinding panic that has me breaking out in tears at my desk at work or walking anywhere these days. I have NOTHING. No supplies to live alone, I 'sold' it all before moving here. "sold" because the bitch canceled the cheque to pay me for it so I didn't do anything but what I always do -> trust someone and get taken advantage of.

In desperation I put my mangled credit rating online to try to get into a nearby apartment. I await the response shortly -> the glaringly obvious NO we can't rent to you 2.5 years into bankruptcy me.

Keep blogging.

can i face the day when i'm tortured in my trust

2007-10-28T19:32:00.001-04:00

It seems given enough time, I will hear everything. People are currently in a rush to share every shred of gossip with me, that they have heard about my situation. Even the lying liars who lie are getting sloppy(er) in their betrayals.

I came home last night to a house that had no lights on in the living room and opened the door to find the lights suddenly on on the girl friend of my married roommate walking straight at me. If they were any less transparent in that cover up they would have been naked. As it was the farce proceeded to their ordering food and pissing off the wife by not ordering her any.

For the wife's part she's decided to try to make friends with the girlfriend, which she steadfastly denies is his girl friend because he would never do that. But he is doing just that, even if it's not about sex he's having an emotional affair with that girl and his wife just whines about how their sex life went. Do I care that this is going on? Not really.

I've told her what's being said at work about them and I've even warned her that this girls doesn't care about who she goes with, as long as she gets what she wants everyone is fair game. All the wife can see is that this girl is fat and that makes her non threatening. What an idiot. In the mean time they're possibly grooming the big mistake to be the new roommate when I'm gone, and I say go for it. It's a disaster waiting to happen and I'm so glad to not be there to watch.

Keep blogging.

armed with scandalous frustration and grace too

2007-10-26T18:14:00.001-04:00

Sometimes you look at something and can see plainly that it's not right. Sometimes you can look at something that is not right and miss that because you're blinded by faith, feeling grateful or loved or in love.

My life is about moving. Moving places, moving people. People move away from me and I them. Sometimes we spend too much time together then have to back off, other times we banish each other and the remaining is lef to contemplate the evacuation. It happens all the time. Sometimes I can even tell you what exact thing caused the rift, but I never stop the chasm from growing. I back off and wait to see how wide it gets. Not because I want to jump in but because it amazes me how much people will avoid talking to you about things, even when you are friends or lovers.

People are not always ready to listen to what you have to say. I can tell people things that are going to happen and they laugh and even treat me with scorn - but the things happen anyways. If I could look at myself the same way and just know I'd be happier but I have little nagging doubts all the time, so I can't always tell important one from the run of the mill ones. With others I can tell you a lot, and I don't really even neeed to know you well to figure you out. It may be a talent, but it doesn't pay any bills.

In the grand scheme of things what is happening now - spreading rumours and lies throughout the work place, being lied to by my roommates, panicking over finances and having to move; well that's all temporary. I have to try to hold it together and remember that I am better then the pettiness. It doesn't matter what they tell people the truth is I decided in June I wanted out of the place, I guess I made that happen. The next thing I have to make happen is the new fabulous place to live and, of course, the money to do that with. It's going to hurt, especially not doing Christmas but I'm ok with that. I splashed out last year and got bupkis so I'm not holding my breath for a different thing to happen this year.

To see who's playing what side of the fence I started a rumour of my own, to match the lie that I've been thrown out of the house that 1 of my roommates is supposedly telling his girlfriend. The girlfriend his wife insists he doesn't have but we here at work all know exists, that is. We'll see what happens with that.

Keep blogging.

sweetheart bitterheart now i can tell you apart

2007-10-25T22:33:00.000-04:00

I've been cruising the boulevard of broken promises and shattered hopes. Dead dreams lay all over the place and the name of the day is to spill placations and platitudes to ignore that someone else has something going on.

It seems my roommates are lying liars who LIE. After telling me they weren't going to apply for this job (that they are in NO way qualified for or able to do (slobs being maintenance people?)) they not only did apply but have consistently lied about everythhing happening with the job since.

Now I have no credit being 2.5 years bankrupt so this freaks me the fuck out and all anyone is willing to do is say it'll be fine. I had to apply to the housing registry because they are the only p;ace that doesn't really care about your credit rating and even then I'm subject to credit checks once I get a place because all they deal with here are coops and I could very well not get anywhere to live at all. Does any one care? It doesn't appear so. I could be forced into a shelter if my roommates take off as it seems they may, and all I get is the uncomfortable side ways glances of those who can't be culled from the comfort zone to give a damn. No one even wants to help. I've gone from being the charity project to the dirty secret no one wants to think about.

All I can think is how I hate moving. I used to love it. I actually have had 1.5 addresses for every year I've been alive and I want it to stop. I thought this deal here was going to be ok, but they're selfish slobs who have decided whether they move or not I should go. So I'm back to trying to find a place to live, save first and lasts, get clothes for winter, train the dog, go to the gym, make friends, have a life, go to work, clean the house and listen to everyone go don't worry be happy.

Umm fuck you.

If it was the other way around I'd help you out> I can't tell you how many time when I had credit I cosigned for people. I got about a 50/50 return. I person did me right and the other stiffed me with the bill. No one will even consider doing that for me and I have a full time job I pretty much can't lose. It's nice to know I'm so untrustworthy no one will cut me a break.

Yeah it's the piss and moan blog. Get used to it.

Keep blogging.

i have been saving smiles for you

2007-10-02T11:45:00.000-04:00

Have you ever owned a previously abused pet? Sure they love you to bits and they do so well for a week or weeks and then they go schizo and you're back at square one with training again. I have owned several abused pets. I like the downtrodden, it explains my exes too. Currently I don't have enough time to go to the gym and alleviate my guilt at having a life outside of my codependent dog so I haven;t been tot he gym. I'm going today because I need to go. Fuck it. My little carpet pisser will just have to survive without me while I go sweat to my mp3 player.

Then I get to come home and clean as no one else really does. The kitchen hasn't been swept or mopped in weeks, neither have the stairs or hallways. My roommate told me the other night he'd just been cleaning when I got home but you can't tell what with everything lying around like it was exactly when I left. If I wait for them to do it it never gets done so I do it and I get pissed because it seems they just expect it to get done wile doing nothing at all except playing Wii. They're soooooo broke but they bought a Wii. Whatever.

I did get picked to have a picture I took put on an online guide book. If you go to Schmap.com under Top destinations - North America click Ottawa, under Directory, Reviews & Photos click Hotels & Lodging, under By District pick Downtown and find The Lord Elgin hotel. I took that daytime picture, and I didn't get paid to have it shown but they did ask so I'm telling all.

Keep blogging.

how much longer will it take to cure this

2007-09-22T13:32:00.000-04:00

I've been a bad bad blogger, basically ignoring the ol blog in favour of filling my days with sleeping, shopping, dog training, a new position at work and some weight loss. I have been going to the gym and it's not nearly as drastic a loss as my buddy whose been going like 3 times as long as me but I've managed to lose like 9 pounds in the last 2 months with some eating changes and going to the gym and all so I'm feeling better I just have to progress from here and I'm not totally motivated to do more yet.

Mostly because I got a dog.

I adopted a canine problem child who is proving to be a hassle as well as a delight. He's poorly socialized, barks at everything, doesn't respect my roommates, stranger charging cujo of a teddy bear. I don't have too hard of a time controlling a 9 pound dog, it's just getting him to calm down and be quiet that is the most taxing. He's always stressed. He has high stress behaviours and I'm not always here to supervise him and I can't trust my roommates to follow through with being totally able to make the dog submissive to them. They aren't interactive pet people so he's kinda running roughshod over them and then I come home and he's out of control and they're bitching.

It's starting to look like I'll need a crate for him and possibly a muzzle until I can get him not to bark, snarl and charge people. Yea I have my work cut out for me.

In the mean time I have a new position at work which has brought different hours and different days off. It's hard getting used to but it's nice because the schedule is still static so I can plan ahead and it's also less stressful so I'm feeling more like myself and less like I'm going to kill someone at the end of the day. That's always nice and good for the system.

I am finding that Lindsay my BFFC is missing in action so if you're reading this Lins let me know what's up and how school is.

Keep blogging.

he still rocks

2007-08-26T22:02:00.000-04:00

i am not your blowing wind i am the lightining

2007-08-22T14:59:00.000-04:00

I'm getting a dog Saturday. Yippee a dog, finally! It's just a little 9 pound dog, one that won't scare the cat too much and can't take out a table full of stuff with his non giant tail. I'm starting small and maybe in a while I'll add the the family. Maybe.

Been going to the gym once or twice a week, last week I went 3 times and it was too much, I has strained my ankle tendon a bit and am now giving it the week off lest I get tendonitis. In the meantime carrots are the new chocolate and I'm buying stuff for the impending pooch at a slow and steady rate, I may even be getting some free or sheap furniture soon so my luck is there.

My roommate wants a cat or this black cocker spaniel puppy, as pay back for me getting a dog. He husband isn't so keen on that idea yet. We'll see what happens.

The other day I had to run out and replace my bank card as mine had been cancelled because of a local frauder. Great.

Keep blogging.

that i would be loved even when i am not myself

2007-08-04T23:31:00.000-04:00

I did join a gym and I go once a week, which isn't totally making a dent but it's making small changes and taking baby steps right? I'm on the carrots not chocolate band wagon and inappropriately lusting after guys at work. Why is it inappropriate? It seem like they're single and over 18, but I don't know them and they don't know me and it's like this wave that hits me and bam it's like 'God You're Hot.' and it's embarrassing. I won't pursue it to be shot down or picked up. I shouldn't have said anything about it to anyone lest people start to wonder about me and my oh so faulty taste in men.

Of course I want the tall guy who doesn't have a clue I exist, it's like my life long torture to find that aloof I-don't-know-if-I-like-you-until-I-know-you-like-ME-type irresistible. It never ends well because I need more. I need self confidence and strength and I have yet to find one guy who can give that to me and still be there at the end of they day wanting me. Because I'm a little intense and I freak people out and I can't change who I am no matter how hard I try I just dress it up respectably and turn down the volume on the bitching. In the mean time I get the hots for the quiet gamers who wouldn't notice me unless I was an animated bimbo in one of their games, and then I'd be too hot for them or some other BS excuse. There is always a BS excuse and I'd prefer just to not bother then get shot down. Cuz my workplace is scorn and ridicule friendly and I don't need any of that of my own in that department anyways.

In the mean time I got a 500 dollar POS computer part assemblage via my roommate. It appears that not only did he not read the specs for the stuff and I ended up with no video card - but he may have fried the motherboard when putting it all together and then I'll have 150 dollars on non functioning crapola sitting here and my 5 year old machine chugging along merrily not doing what I want it to and no money to upgrade it because I will be paying for the stuff I can't use at all.

Keep blogging.

you're breaking my heart with those tears

2007-07-18T03:10:00.001-04:00

It's really nice when people go out of their way to bring you down. Out of the blue some shithead I work with decided that it would be fun to up and call me a bitch several times. He did it sneaky too, and no one heard him but me. It pisses me off when some little shit starts calling me a bitch because he thinks it's funny or he says someone else did so he can too. He started and didn't stop and was even laughing about it until I told him if he didn't stop I'd report him to HR for harassment. And NO ONE HEARD A GOD DAMNED THING.

I tell them it happened and they call me a LIAR. And then he goes and asks around to make sure no one heard him but me. Then he starts telling people I'm making it up, he was never talking to me or about me that night. He says I have ADD/ADHD and am constantly getting things wrong and people are believing him. They are saying I lied, it never happened. I am making it up.

How little people must think of me to say that I would make up a story like that. Out of the blue just go and say someone called me names to start shit. Because I'm a shit disturber and do that all the time???? The worst part is when someone says they believe you but won't meet your eyes and you know they're just saying it so that you won't get mad at them.

Just what motivation would I have to do that? To tell people some little shit eater was all up in my grill calling me a bitch? What do they think he did that would cause me to say that? Why doesn't anyone think I have feelings??? Why would I not be bothered that not only was someone calling me names but no one believes me. It pisses me off all the more because I have absolutely no reason to lie and they all think I did. No one thinks he is lying now though.

Well fuck you all. Seriously. If he ever speaks to me again that way I'll make sure he gets the riot act from HR and all my so called friends who can't believe he'd be like that, wait til he does it to you and no one believes you either.

Keep blogging.

Now you can have a huge leap forward in email: get the new Yahoo! Mail.

ain't misbehavin'

2007-07-08T15:38:00.000-04:00

I haven't been by for a while, mostly because I've had nothing good to say. I have been losing weight. The scale tells me it's 20 pounds since we moved in and I'm glad but I live in the new competitive zone where sharing this news brings a spiral of reprocussionary action. My roommate is very competitive. To the point where she is jealous of anyone who can outshine her and I'm not trying to but succeeding despite myself.

I do get pissy, don't get me wrong. Last night when she showed up at quarter to 1 am with 2 of her friends in tow and I was in my jammies and not ready for it because she didn't call to let me know - I was piqued. Then she had to announce to said friends of hers that I was being all weird and wouldn't come up stairs because I was in my jammies I wanted to kick her ass. The night before I held a stag here for a girl from work and I didn't make fun of her or call her down for not coming to meet them but she does it to me. That's not all that irks me, I'm also ticked that when it comes to having people over I'm not even asked if it's ok and I live here too, I'm just told eventually that they're coming and fuck it if it's inconvenient for me. Well fuck you too.

I am happier here then I was with the kids, there are less people here and somewhat less hassle. My new roommates are SLOBS and they are incredibly selfish. Years of living together themselves has left me odd man out for the way they do things, which is mostly to avoid doing it then bitch relentlessly about how the other doesn't do anything and it's really snitting me off today. Sorry all.

In the mean time did I say I've lost weight, well I have and I'm gonna keep at it. I have a gym appointment next Saturday and a group of us are trying to arrange classes so this is the closest I've been to getting fit in a while. Think happy thoughts for me. Keep blogging.

who can it be now

2007-06-29T15:34:00.000-04:00

It seems someone is trying to hack this account, I keep getting warnings about my login info request. But I didn't make any. WTG hacker person. I know you're out there now.

wondering about you

2007-06-13T14:36:00.000-04:00

It some times happens that you find yourself rethinking a situation and wonder ing how you missed a piece of the picture you now see. It's like watching a movie and not noticing the central character, that's how apparent this 'discovery' seems to you. Yet until it hit you, you were oblivious. Well maybe not totally oblivious.

There are lots of different kinds of people out there. You have your competitive talkers and they are always better then you. You have those people that try too hard to be liked and annoy the hell out of everyone and then there are the rarer breeds like the socially inconsistent and the fugly frienders. I seem to have found a fugly friender and I'm the fugly as far as that person is concerned. I didn't catch on to it until I was basically hit over the head with it and now I'm kinda miffed. I'm hardly fugly, just fat thank you very much.

Now there is a whole class of person out there the makes friends solely based on how good said person can make them look. They are often known as social climbers. There is the particular subset that specifically trolls for people they think are looks deficient and therefore will make them seem better looking, taller, smarter, thinner and what have you. It's pretty hard not to see that behaviour once you've caught on to it. And what do you do about it? It's not the same as having a slobby roommate who you tolerate to keep the peace or the rent paid, this is supposed to be your friend and they really are only your pal because they think you make them look like Giselle by comparison. It kinda makes my skin crawl.

So what do you do? What do you say? Do you just try to fade away and hope they don't notice?

Keep blogging.

'cos all these little deals go down with little consequences, we share

2007-06-05T16:47:00.000-04:00

But do we really share? Is it sharing when one person seemingly does little work and the other pick up the slack? When you agree to pay 1/3 of everything in the new place and get roped into paying for the old as well. When is it ok to say hold the phone you need to pick up after yourself. You are not pulling your weight or carrying your load when you don't do X and I'm not paying this percentage because it's not a bill for here? I think can be some of the biggest modern roommate mysteries surrounding the nice girl that is me.

I do get along quite better with my new roommates. To say that they are slobs is wrong, they aren't any messier then I can be but to say that the level of clean here is what it was with the Kids is wrong. It isn't the same and we've already suffered through the possible invasion of cockroaches parts one and two since being told to throw the microwave, where they were found living at the old place wasn't quite motivation enough to get rid of it. Now we have a new microwave and a lot of groaning about how much longer it takes to cook food the the old one did. Oh well.

It's been an interesting transitions and there has been a lot of rain lately so we get that whole closed quarters thing going on and all. I'm going to be moving my blog soon but I don't know when and I got offended when it was implied, after all the work I put into this site, that I'm not actually a web page designer. Just because it's all stolen and modified code doesn't mean I didn't work hard on this site!! There I said it.

In the mean time I think the season finales sucked ass. I'm tired of the emotionally manipulated Christina and Meredith's giving up all the time and wondering why people give up on her. I'm wondering why they gave Dean only a year to live - is that all Supernatural has left? I'm sick of lost and don't care if they don't all make it off the island anymore, whiners and cheats can fuck off. Doesn't matter to me that ER cut off Shane West's legs or that Gilmour Girls got cancelled. I'm still pissed Drive got the axe and FOX really needs to take it's head out of it's ass before no one watches their channel anymore.

I'm kinda wondering WTF about NCIS. I can't figure out exactly who's setting who up there. Is it Tony being set up or is he a plant? Does Gibbs know anything and if so is that why he keeps calling Ziva off? No big deaths or anything, though this show prefers to kill the characters off into the season following. AND PLEASE can anyone tell me why I should care that Sarah is stuck under a car in the desert somewhere? They have a homicidal maniac lose and they're all talking to strangers - these people lack common sense. Seriously. Grissom, dude, throw the secret out there when you dare to admonish all your co workers for potential office romances. Double standard much? And way to blow the down low too. Fool. That show's taking the piss with trying to figure out what characters almost deaths will get us watching. Maybe her funeral will draw more people.

It was nice that they revisited Lady Heather even if they left the relationship all arid and creepy. I mean come on can't Grissom have a friendly relationship with anyone where he doesn't have to come off seeming all psychic friends and saving the day by reuniting them with lost loves. It took a while to get there for that one I admit, but maybe too long since the original arc was how many seasons ago?

In the mean time I'm catching up on How I met Your Mother and re watching some Joan of Arcadia and trying to be all the bleach blonde I can be. Keep blogging.

there is no line that you can't step right over

2007-05-19T20:08:00.000-04:00

It's been a while but now I'm wellish and all moved in. I kinda like this place a lot so in a way I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop as I never seem to have it good for long. I may indeed be a fault finder but that's neither here nor there. That's just how it is. If I am a fault finder let all the faults be spackle worthy and let's get on with living I dare say.

Nothing new or cute going on. Hot work guy walked me out of the building yesterday, seeing as I was really dizzy and nauseous it was no big deal to me but all my peeps had to hoot and holler about it. If he was available I could get excited but he isn't so that's that eh? Oh well.

I got another raise, good enough I guess. I think I'm going to dye my hair red this summer. I was blonde last summer and it was ok but not nearly as fun as it could have been. Now that we're moved in we barbecue a lot, let me save you the effort if you buy President's Choice, avoid the Bison burgers. They made us sick and yes we did cook them right, thank you. The portobello and provolone burgers are excellent but I can't eat them because I can't eat onions and they are chocked full. I learned that the tasty but hard way.

I've become a kick ass assembler though, I can put together most anything and that includes Ikea stuff from the directions, so keep that in mind should you need a guru. In the mean time I have a few summer projects lined up. I just need to find lime green acrylic paint for them. Any ideas? Yes I want plasticy and shiny for a finish and I love lime green so I'm on the hunt.

Keep blogging.

it's a high price for your luxury baby

2007-04-24T13:56:00.000-04:00

I think I really hate people with short attention spans. It's spring, time again for the online dating I do to make myself remember why I like being a woman and that even geek girls can get laid more then geek guys. Still there's that endless barrage of idiots who feel that the most compelling thing that can offer is to sleep with me? Really, you have a dick and that's it? It's kind of weird how unappealing that can be when there is nothing else on the table.

But it's not just the "wannafuck?" thing. It's the prelavence of the chat speak, the u 2 4 crap that makes the profile claims of employed and educated seem like utter bullshit. You are educated and you 1) can't remember who I am (there are so many girls you're trying to get with you fake player) and 2) you can't string a sentence together without using some annoying short form to make your self seem uber cool then 3) fuck off.

We were talking about how dating and personality are mutually exclusive. I don't think so. You have to show your personality to get a date, somewhat, and that can be the easiest way to lose me. Why? because I'm not interseted in just picking you up, that doesn't really involve any conversation at all. I actually prefer not talking to you if it's a fuck and run, because it kills the fantasy of the one night stand. Since all the guys of late puport to want a relationship (yea they think that's better then quickie, booty call or fuck buddy) they can't figure out why I bristle when repeatedly asked for my picture. I don't see you offering any, just why in the hell should I be giving you mine? I mean really, if you can't recall who the hell I am, don't bother talking to me. And you boys living in your parents' basement, don't throw it out there all "I already told you that" style and get pissed when I slap you down with an "oh no you di'int". I mean please, I've been thrown outta the house since I was seventeen, I do so remember when a 32 year old is living with mom and dad in the basement.

I mean please. If I go through the hassle of talking to you, and it is a hassle since it's a fun game of decoding the bs in the profile, the messages and then the chat -> stop lying. I'm not interested in the married, the losers thinking I'm a sure bet since I'm fat and that equals desperate. I'm straight forward and to the point, and the point is that I don't want your love buddy, I just want to use you a while and move on. It's not a big deal but it's less fun than it used to be with all the gutless whiners inhabiting the dating-verse. If I could have one wish it would be to find someone with a little guts and some inner strength. They're usually fucked up, but so am I, and we'd have devious cranky fun.

Until keep blogging.

she puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair

2007-04-22T15:27:00.000-04:00

Anyone on facebook can read this now and I don't think it's making a damn bit of difference to my traffic, but that's what I get for post like 3 times a month for an entire quarter right?

Well everyone knows I'm moving (you didn't? Now you do.) and as such I've been going through my crap getting rid of the crap I don't really need at all. There is so much of it too. I'm sitting here now with this supposed boar's hair brush I got a dew years back. I'm pretty sure it's not really boars hair and I'm also pretty sure that in the 2 times I've used it since I bought it I won't miss it if it's gone. So where do all the things I'm parting with go? To a certain extent they go to my friends. I give a lot of it away as I don't mind giving it to people who will use it. In the mean time I'm conflicted and wondering what to do with these things that I know logically I don't need and barely use. What is the point of keeping that shit?

Ok so now I have to unpack something because I obviously need ti get rid of because cool as it was and all I don't need it and it's not like I'm stuck with it as I'm stuck with this lousy frigging sinus cold-allergy attack I'm suffering with.

Speaking of suffering I got home from John Mayer, yahoo wee he should done more songs I say!!!, to find my door barricaded with the boxes I had stored in the basement. I couldn't even get the the handle of the door as the boxes were shoved against it and piled on top of one another. I was forced to rearrange my room at midnight to get them out of the hallway so that I was not going to be accused of blockading the bathroom form others, even though technically I didn't do that they did because my bedroom door is directly across from he bathroom door.

I left a white board not telling them that before they do me any favours they need to ask if I need a favour. Surprisingly dip shit and fuck head's only response to that was to ignore me all day yesterday and today. Amen, hallelujah.

Keep blogging.

when marimba rythms start to play dance with me make me sway

2007-04-19T13:46:00.000-04:00

I've been told people don't really notice that the blog titles are almost always song lyrics. I've been told I sing like someone strangling a cat. I've been told a lot of things that strike me as odd or unfounded or wrong, not necessarily those things though.

In this new move to the new situation with new basket cases (at present as they did put the cat down) I have been cleaning house on a grand scale. I've gotten rid of stuff that I never would have been able to get rid of just months before. I'm ridding myself of stuff that I was holding onto. Sometimes for sentimental reasons, sometimes out of stubborn insistence I would need/use it later. Yea I'm kinda wacky that way, but I've recycled most of that stuff. Some I have had to throw out totally. It's weirdly liberating to reduce the clutter and still feel completely ok with that. It seems I was attaching an unnatural amount of my personal identity to the stuff I own as a source of identity. My stuff is me, I am not my job etc. Blither blather bla.

I don't care about that anymore. I'm giving it all away. I used to be that kind of person, just give people my stuff, my time, my money and not care why or what for and never expect it back. It's nice to revert to that because I always enjoyed it. It wasn't until I was repeatedly told that what I was doing was a bad thing by giving people things. I was made to feel bad for not feeling used and eventually I resented anyone who wanted anything of me. I can remember it all so clearly now. And I don't care. I don't care that I'm a cold callous person who deal with death and loss with barely a tear, pause or second thought. I don't care that I feed most of my co workers on a fairly regular basis with leftovers and snacks I got myself and didn't want or need. I'm not worried that somehow I'm wrong and that this is further proof that nature botched me but good.

What I worry about is the inordinate amount of bad shit happening to people around me. Car accidents, deaths, sudden illnesses, depressions. It's whirlwind of varying catastrophe around me and I'm either in the eye of the storm or far removed, I just can't figure out which one. It started with me flushing my mp3 player down the toilet and shit has ensued since then.

Along with that has the began my social networking gambit. I joined facebook and started up Myspace again. I really only got MySpace to get John Mayer's blog, who I get to see in concert tomorrow night. That has escalated to Nathan Fillion's blog and both are now my friends. I'm feeling good about that. I have to go shop now so keep blogging.

i won't be there to break your sweet heart but not being there might break your sweet heart

2007-04-17T14:39:00.000-04:00

I don't have pets right now because I've put myself inthe position of being beholden to other's rules and regulations. I miss pets because they are great comfort and satisfaction to the loners like me who don't always have people around to commune with when it's needed. Now my soon to be roommates have pets. One of which I'm allergic to to the point my hand will swell when I pet that cat. Ouch I know. THe other cat, it turns out, has kidney stones. I guessed that was the issue a while back but they didn't get him to the vet until he started screaming while peeing.

The vet, who is gouging them for bringing in the emergency case (in my oppinion) says it's gonna be at the least $1200 to get the cat back up and running, $1650 if they do what he wants and more out the door with a new diet and all the perks of an constant vet visit to check for more stones. I feel for them because we're talking about family here, this is someone to them. Someone they love and don't want to lose. However this is someone who is very sick and and may continue to get dangerously ill and possibly die of the side effects of the illness. Best case scenario they put up all the money and buy the food and it all works out well. Still there's stress because we're moving and money's tight and they already have a lot of shit going on.

The other option, so sayeth the vet -> put the cat down. My gut instinct here is mercyless. I vote kill the cat. I don't see the point in letting the cat continue to suffer. I have know people with cats that had this problem and they paid all the money and bought the food and the cat suffered on for years and years. They all suffered together. It's a horrible thing. I, myself, have never had a cat that was desperately ill. I did have a dog that I had to have put down because he got strange as he got older and started trying to attack children and the elderly. It got to the point where we couldn't let him out of our sight because he would charge anything he thought he could take down, and we lived near a school. We couldn't give him away because he was untrainable at that point, and we do not know what caused his issue. I got him from the Humane Society and for the first year he was fine. After that he changed and we made the tough call to put him down.

I know it's not the same thing. The reasons and the call are not even close to similar but I know what having that decision feels like. For all the words you can say it's still a hard call to make. Now people will say don't own pets unless you are prepared to make the long term high priced commitment to keeping them and I agree to a point. I also say that just because you can do something doesn't make it the right thing to do. It's a high price to pay for your peace of mind no matter what.

I don't know what they will do. I don't know if they will kill the cat or keep the cat. I know what I would do. Later I would go out and get another cat and try like hell to make sure that the same damn thing didn't happen again. I wouldn't do it because pets are disposable, or because I'm cheap. I'd do it because I don't believe for the life of me that an animal has to suffer like that. There is no way that they can understand what is going on and I am the one that is there to take care of them and make the hard calls and suffer the consequences of all of our actions. Captain of the ship so to speak. I don't believe in needless suffering for anyone.

Keep blogging.

it's only when I lose myself in someone else that i find myself

2007-04-15T20:11:00.000-04:00

The least fun thing about packing is tinning out the masses of crap that your pack rat genes have encouraged you to store and transport with you over the days/weeks/months/years. Of course the rampant procrastination that goes with almost anything I plan in the long term. I procrastinate because I am essentially very lazy. At least right now I am. Procrastination is a form of world control as I feel things are slightly beyond my power and going with the flow, the actual day to day flow, still doesn't come naturally to this recovering A type.

The good news is we passed the 2 week mark and the official countdown to a new residence happens now. Of course I'm all trying to figure out how I'm going to have a separate space that doesn't feel too invaded by sharing. After all it seems kind of clear that the two households are going to be distinct in their contradictions. For instance the full sized bright orange throw I bought today fits me to a tee and garnered looks of death from the soon to be roommates. Oh well I'm not so crazy about your taste either so na na.

I'm being boring because it is the only way I know to get by without spending money. When the weather is depressing and I'm left to my own devices I tend toward retail therapy and at this point in time there is really nothing I need and really nothing I want so if I don't go out and tempt fate I can't feel bad about spending money on nothing I have to have.

I filled Friday with Drive. I watched it for Nathan Fillion and fast cars, mind you the fast cars are not so much an issue at this point. It seems to be a decent show and gives my DVR a Friday reason to live. I'm reserving judgement on the show until we get a bit further in because somethings are not adding up and I want to make the mental connections myself. In other news if you didn't see Juliet coming on LOST you were also totally surprised by Micheal and may never have watched tv before, ever. I keep hearing the final episodes are going to rock and so far I have failed to be even slightly amused since Desmond's groundhog day revelations. I'm hoping the Season finale of Heroes will come off a sight better then most of the 'fabulously exciting' episodes I've seen of everything else lately. As a tv viewer I'm less then impressed by what's on these days and that's a hard thing for me to say as I love tv, we go way back. Yet we may be breaking up. At least until I get the fog of ideas in my head clears out and can focus on it again. Except for Drive. A little speed a little hot assed guys and I'm there.

Keep blogging.

ooh e ooh ah ah bim bam walla balla bim bam

2007-04-06T11:59:00.000-04:00

I learned today that all the electric heaters upstairs are on the same breaker and that the landlords had turned that breaker off preventing us from turning on the heat when it got down to -12 with the windchill. Anyone wonder why I'm moving and there's not an ounce of love lost here.

It's Easter weekend and surprisingly enough Google calendar doesn't list Good Friday as a Canadian holiday, it's only listed on the American holiday calendar. Piss me off. I did not check other countries to see if the same held true for anywhere else, I just checked those 2 because I can never remember when Easter is and since I'm an hourly employee I get stat pay so I always want to know when the statutory holidays are. Not because I want to work them, it's better if I do but I get paid pretty much the same no matter what.

I got sick off of a meal replacement drink the other day, nothing like having food poisoning from a canned liquid snack. I was still wonky yesterday but I'm better today. Tomorrow I shop, it's the only day I have off that the shops are open this weekend. I do now have all weekends off for a couple of months, as I took a 7pm-3.30 am shift to get a static schedule. Ah the things I do for stability.

I'm a little tripped out that I'm getting a new house, new roommates, new furniture and a newer lease on life in just 21 short days. It's very freaky to me. Very freaky.

Keep blogging.

i hold on so nervously

2007-04-03T13:24:00.000-04:00

I did not die.
Did you miss me?
I've been working and cramming as much not in this house time in as I can.
Still being disappointed by the losers online.
Don't be there saying you there saying you want to meet when it's a total lie.
I say fuck you to all them losers.

Besides the eternal non backbone of the chickenshit generation there is the fact I move in 24 days. I'm kind of worried I'm walking into another version of the stress drama I've been living this last year, but I'm trying to be positive. I know that things are going to get better, I just have to want that. Like I want to lose weight and I am; Nothing earth shattering about that, just a slow steady loss that I am seeing and so far maintaining. I could be back in shape-ish as soon as May. By the end of may, what with the whole new room to move new place and all, I'll have my exercising groove on. I have a plan.

In the mean time I am saving money and have managed to finagle some of my very own furniture. I am soon to be the proud owner of a futon and desk. I already have a bed, the next things I have to get are a bed frame and tv stand. Then I'm golden for furnishing my space in the new digs. Well except for a carpet, but I'm working on that.

I promise to keep in touch this month, as best I can. Since there is no one currently actively fucking with the internet connection I can finally get online and communicate. I'm still working on those stories, by the way. I'll let you know what happens with that.

Keep blogging.

it's my life don't you forget

2007-03-16T23:13:00.000-04:00

RaJ wanted to know about the 3 day novel contest, it's not just for Cannucks it's international yo. Here's the hook up http://www.3daynovel.com/ .

I've been quietly working my magic to get the house I wanted secured. My Landlords have been somewhat unceremonious pricks about the move, including fucking with my internet, cutting the power to my room and making the house a hostile place to live. Other then that it's been hunky dory.

I'm a little wiped out, all this stress of not being stressed is getting to me. I want to pack and move now. AS it is we're green lit for the 27th. I'm still trying to make the John Mayer concert work out, but as usual trying to get people to come along has thrown a monkey wrench of crappy seat proportions. I'll live, at least I'm going places and doing things.

I was rather offended the other day by someone I was chatting on MSN with. They referred to my writing as a hobby. It offended me because, even though I don't make money from it, my writing is not a mere hobby. I may have a skewed impression of a hobby, but I don't believe the endless hours I've spent writing things, the reams of paper I've devoted to my thoughts and the accumulated stories I have going through my mind at anytime are a hobby. They are more like a preoccupation, an all consuming thing that I can't escape. I dream stories, I live stories, I have a way too vivid imagination and I've decide this year to stop hogging stories to myself. So at some point I will get out the 2 stories I've been brewing for a while. The hair invasions and the photographic memory tales. Do remind me about them if I forget ok?

Keep blogging.

it's gonna be alright just wait and see

2007-03-05T12:30:00.000-05:00

I'm missing something that I can't put my finger on. I fell it's been gone for a while now and I don't know where it went or what it is. I just know I'm lighter now and it's weird. I'm not too worried or panicked. A lousy customer swore at me at work and I acted rattled but I wasn't. I should have been but it was an act, like when I hit something and I know it should hurt so I say ow. But it didn't really hurt even though I got a bruise.

In someways I've changed a lot and in other ways I see myself regressing. It's bizarre. I get a bit freaked when an old attitude starts rearing it's ugly head. It's weird how I thought I was over them. There's also a plethora of new stuff I'm thinking these days too that leaves me wondering if I'm not the girl I used to be. Between the 2 I sit and wonder who am I going to end up being and how much of what I think of as myself will I lose or toss to do that. Just the other day I got seriously excited about the 3 day novel contest. I'm a writer, not a well disciplined one or one with any really log term ideas, but I so want to get the hell off my ass and do that contest. Step one is finding out if I can get the time off. Step 2 is obviously applying. Step three, well that's doing it of course and the idea really excites me, it excited me the last time I thought about it and it will excite me again.

Keep blogging.

just when everyday seemed to greet me with a smile

2007-03-03T12:36:00.001-05:00

As stuck in freak country as I have ever been I gave notice that I was moving out. This prompted my Landlord to act like there was some way in hell he could uphold his totally illegal and unbinding lease. Since I don't officially have anywhere new to live I was squeamish about giving notice because I do live here and it's good enough but not paradise. I did it anyways, because 3 roomates not 5 and a cat that is treated like one, is better. 2 people I like and get along with seems better then 3 I really don't. Of course I worry that we're friends now and living together will make us enemies, but in a way we've been talking forever about getting a place together so maybe we started or friendship the right way. We'll see.

In the meantime I took the low road of least resistance and bald faced lied when my twitching, nearly screaming and red faced Landlord thundered up here to confront me about my so called illegal termination of my lease. He tried to tell me I didn't have the right to give notice. Seriously? He really did. Now I have my lease and I know what it says and despite the fact it ends officiall in August there is nothing in it that says I can't leave early, that I am responsible for the reassignment of the place or the rent in the event that it remains vacant. All it does say is that if I sublet that the subletter has to be approved by the Landlord.

I's been quietish since Thursday where I bladfaced lied and said I didn't have an issue witht the house I was just helping out my friends wh had talked me int moving in with them. I don't really yhrink he believed me but I didn't want to start anything that I'd have to live with for the next 60 odd days y'know.I mean sure they break the heating laws and harass us monthly with whiteboard inanity but that doesn't mean I want to give them any ammunition with which to target me. I'm already dead bad roomie walking.

So this morning I got a note telling me I was unlawfully terminating my lease and all but I have to be out by 11.59 pm 30 April. I guess I'm not being fought on this and I really don't care right now if my moving out means Kid J has to get out and get a job. THat's about the last thing that kid may want to do but it's high time that some social skills were employed on that end and the reign of basement insanity was ended through actual going outside and interacting with the world at large. Well that's my oppinion at least.

On there is not lighter side, my BFFC's dad is terminally ill with leukemia. My work eye candy is something close to dying again, lately. As far as lost causes go I have many of them going on in my backyard. All I can ask is keep your bits crossed for me and I'll do the same for you and all this should work out fine and dandy like.

Keep blogging.

love is all around you

2007-02-21T11:39:00.000-05:00

In a vain effort to put off going to work way early, but not actually starting until my designated time, I am blogging. I am blogging a wee bit out of guilt because I've been absent and really haven't cared. I've been thinking a lot about the idea that the things you pursue are changed by your pursuance and noticing that I'm slipping back into being one of the guys. What that means is that my most interesting times and conversations are now happening with the guys I know. The girls didn't die, they've just kind of lost interest in my affability I guess.

Work is boring because the people are predictably rude and stupid. Things at home are precariously weird. Kid N and J went away, but not before Texas left and are making sure to get back before he does. In the mean time I've been told to feed the cat if he gets too annoying. There's this giant note on the whiteboard that is addressed not to me as if I ceased to exist after being told they were leaving. As if to make the point that I'm not a thought they made enough noise leaving Monday to make me wonder if the closing of the closet door was a vain attempt to take out the fucking wall. Assholes - why yes they are.

And they expect me to do the dishes they left, and that Kid M is continuing to add to. I'm probably responsible for making sure the recycling and garbage go out tonight too and I just don't care. I haven't and refuse to do the dishes sitting in the sink and I'm not going to touch the garbage either. Why? Because the note on the board doesn't have my name on it, so that means it's not for me. Any of it. And the dishes? Well I hate to say this, but I rarely eat here, at least anything I had to go into the kitchen for so I'm not doing the damn dishes either. I haven't used any and therefore haven't contributed to the pile.

Is there going to be a note? Probably. Usually someone would break down and do the dishes. Me, Kid E, Texas - but not Kid M. He's too important. Maybe he'll get his girlfriend over here to do them, I don't care. I don't care what kind of bullshit note I get either because I'm moving out. It's a done deal, signed on the dotted line of my mind and they can go straight to the unmitigated hell of whatever perverse experiment they think they are running on us here.

Yes I'm cranky, I hate the thought of moving and I never wanted to do it again, ever. But this was too good to last, cheap and enough fucked up crapola to make you suicidal. Everyone I know gets fucking psychotic hearing about it, even the really nice people. I'm also cranky because I'm allergic to the dye in my vitamins so I can't take them any more and I had just really gotten into the habit too. In an effort to break with my pack rat ways I am giving a lot of stuff to charity, stuff I don't need to move. I'm at a loss as to what to do with this crappy desk tho. It's put together obviously wrong and it's total shit but if I move without it then I have to buy a desk. I wanted a new desk too, but that's not the point. Do I get rid of what I do have to wait until I get the one I actually like?

Ah the ceaseless conundrum of me. That and the weird freaking dreams I've been having. I'm left wondering why I'm all about blondes all of a sudden and why I'm dreaming about sex with particular people, who I don't even know and who seem indifferent. It's easy for me to spot all the obvious familial issues that points to, but unlike Meredith Grey I've not been trying to die and I disappeared a long time ago and really no one did notice.

From the ghost land of the easy life. Keep blogging.

i follow the night can't stand the light when will i begin to live again

2007-02-15T11:05:00.000-05:00

I'm a workaholic and now kinda broke power partier at least last week. I guess that explains why my free time has been taken up with not filling you all in on anything. I'd say sorry but that sounds lame and the fact its there's nothing really happening here. There's a little 'I'm giving my moving notice in a couple of days and I'm tripping' going on but other then that it's the usual.

All the taken guys treat me like the bestest girl in the world. All the single guys ignore me or get drunk and are insulting but think I'm madly hot for shutting them down and tell me that but don't do anything about it otherwise. I got to vd wishes from clients and none from friends or foes. I did wish everyone at work a happy vd and got made fun of. Ah the fun of it all.

Aside from the snow storm I'm working on a way to rescue my stuff from my family, who last time I checked were moving in March and throwing it all away. If it all pans out it'll be here by the 23rd and then I'll spend the evening with Rod Stewart. My first real concert in forever and I have friends to go with and all.

I was told last night by this guy at work that I remind him of his Mom. His words were that I'm matronly, outgoing, motherly, orderly, possibly scary when mad and very exacting. Wow I don't sound fun or interesting at all. I'm not sure how I feel about that but it explains a lot.

In the mean time Texas has sorta stopped being remotely friendly and is now leaving heaping mounds of toilet paper in the toilet so someone else can flush it and then pluge the toilet. Fucker. I can't wait to move and yet we have nowhere picked out or nailed down yet. We're hoping to get into a townhouse near by and that's all we've got right now because the area is under new and totally disorganised management and they don't seem too interested in my soon to be roomies cockroach problems or with making the the transfer from their apartment to the townhouse possible.

So that's all the wonderous shaking happenings around here. I'm waiting on the next episode of Grey's where we're all pretty sure that Mere lives and all. I'm also waiting for the world to get warmer snd less intensely snowy. We waited a long time for winter and all but I'm kind of tired of the intense coldness in the house and not the outside weather really. Because it's been so cold I've been having to run the heater all night and it's killing my skin and hair and sinuses because it's not like there's a humidifier in this house and all the humidity sits downstairs away from the heat nowadays. Geez we can't win here in hell.

Keep blogging.

more than i could handle and a life that i can't live

2007-02-04T11:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't been frivilous in a while so I thought I'd recap the whole of my entertainment experiences lately. You all know I love NCIS for Mark Harmon, although there is something a little trite about the show now I keep holding out for a big plot twist that will make all the heavy-ish melodrama that is this season - pay off. So Tony has a girl friend and Ziva is jealous. If they don't fix that soon, she's a terrorist or her ex-bf is - they're going to have to shoot one of them for effect. Why? Well because for me the love triangle angle doesn't work for those two. Sure they had the instant rub me the wrong ways, but the 'family' grousing that is supposed to occur is too easily taken to the I want you end of the field. Why they just can't make Ziva more anything is beyond me. She's not too strong, or stromg willed or threatening or anything anymore. She went from being cool and mysterious to being weirdly needy and jealous. I don't like that. Please fix that NCIS writers.

On the other end of the scale is Grey's Anatomy which seems to be settling into the drama heart of itself. I already had a clue as to the relationship Merdith and her mom had, hello my family anyone? The funny thing is if I had to pick a character I most see myself as I'd have to say Christina Yang. She's a real tough cookie but ther's a creamy centre in there too. In the mean time Izzie's all wierd and potentially heading to hatersville because she sees people around her with what she doesn't have. If that actuallt is her problem. Maybe she's supposed to be over compensating her fineness, and she'll have a good cry and be more Izzie-ish. I think her character's been pretty even for a long time and maybe they're giving her a chance to show some other aspects of human nature, but she's supportive girl and if that's really just all of a sudden gone there had better be better reason then Callie O'Malley.

ER's boring me to tears. Seriously. I already knew that kids was his, if John Stamos's charcter didn't then he's never seen the show. The characters are boring and predictable and I can barely watch anymore. It took til this year, the best year in ever some say , to seriously turn me off. I don't really know why though. I think it has to do with the little changing for the good part. So Sam kills her baby daddy and absolutely nothing happens to her. Her punishment is her kid's now a pyro and kills someone she knows. Pratt goes to jail for being a drug dealer? Kovacs is almost killed - well actaully maimed a little. Morris is still the painfully retarded, not really funny man child of the world being as stupid and gross as they think he can be. Ray's story line has faltered into a near oblivion of his character, Neela's all weird and lacking depth. One minute she's all about Ray but married now she's all about the new DR, who's like really taken even if he doesn't want to know about it. Too much drama not enough sense anymore. Sorta like CSI for me. I miss one or two episodes and Grissom is gone and the weird new guy, Keppler is there. Is it just me or are they tricking him out to be a psycho with mutiple personalities?

Lost is finally coming back and I'm not sure I care anymore. THe usual promises of more twists and turns and surprises. You know what I think would be surprising - really -> Micheal manning up and coming back to fix what he did. If he actually got away he should be able to get back. After all we've waited all season for Desmond's rich girlfriend to find him or the freaky Juliet to pony up and actually show some real potential. It's not lost on me that Jin, Sun and Sayid as well as everyone else we loved til now are MIA and we're suddenly promised they're coming back. From where exactly? I mean have they been on vacay on the other island while we've been watching the not terribly interesting coercion of Jack or the kinda freaky breaking of Sawyer? One episode's white rabbit does not a season's worth of watching make. So I may tune in, as my previous Wednesday treat Saved is MIA on the local channels.

I have replaced Eureka, great show BTW, with The Dresden Files. Not an equal trade but I'm willing to go with it to see if it improves. I'm still into Heroes. I think it's great Hiro's dad is Sulu. Seriously what funky power do you think he may have? I think Claire slipped up and Daddy may know that she didn't forget anything. Not sure he'll have time to fix that since Sylar's learned that James Bond being dead thing. Dr Suresh is a little loose ended for me, he hasn't found his place yet. But that whole invisible mentor thing is so fun. I have a thing for gruff british guys and I even watched the new Dr Who for this one.

I'm already sick of men in trees, and I like Ugly Betty but I'm not so sure how long it's going to go on while it's giving away all the big secrets this season like it's a going off the air rampage. We'll see how they handle the new revelation that the dead son is now a live daughter. In the mean time I think I'm going to love Supernatural for a long time, even though the whole gee I may be evil thing is a bit over the top. Sam has barely even used his powers and now he's number on draft choice for evil inc's board of directors? Tell me there's more of a lead up planned to that? Also tell me he's not Eva's Adam. I smell some sort of showdown/reunion coming so let's hope it's got teeth. After all I need some televised inspiration to brighten my listless life :)

Keep blogging.

been around the world and i can't find my baby

2007-02-03T12:44:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately (ya I know this ain't news) about how the world is and how I am in it. If you haven't been to Sass's blog go read her thoughts on common courtesy. I think she's right and I think the newer generations are only getting worse because so much is given to them they think they just deserve it, what ever it is. This whole idea of giving your kids what you never had has spoiled them to being kind,generous, compassionate souls. That's just my opinion. I'm a hard ass task master who seriously thinks working for the desired thing is the only way to get it. SO even thought I want to win the lottery and do nothing the rest of my life I'm fairly sure that isn't going to happen.

In the mean time I've been watching the people around me. The strange co dependencies, the hot and cold running friendships and the soul sucking neediness. I'm kinda happy to go it alone these days. I don't think I could anyone demanding things of me right now. That said I'm kinda tired of the shut out I'm getting from some people who seem to have decided I'm lower on the list of importance these days too. I'm not doing anything differently yet things have changed. When this happens I have to wonder what the hell it's all about. I mean Seriously, what the fuck do you want from me? If you don't talk to me and tell me what the bug is up your ass I'm not going to crawl up there looking for it myself.

I look at the people who are supposed to be happy for me, backing my plays - because we are friends after all - and they are indifferent, shutting me out or all together ignoring me. It seems funny that they would have anything to even say about my family when they are so similar. And then I have to stop. Wait a minute - did I just realise that yet again I replaced my crap family with crap people who will give me the same thing my crap family does? Am I really just finding a way to encourage the negative reinforcement I seem to really deeply believe I can't exist without. It's really sad just how easy it is to find people who will treat you however you subconsciously or consciously think you should be treated.

The thing is I'm not hot shit but I'm not a piece of shit either. I'm somewhere in between. Not King shit of turd mountain but not the lowly trots monster either. Maybe I aspire to be Mayor McShit, I'm not sure but I do really have to get over all this weirdo crap and find some middle ground where I'm not getting shut down every time I try to do something for someone because I'm their pity project and can't reciprocate generosity because that ruins their heightened status as benevolent benefactor.

So how much wrath do I want to incur by not giving a fuck about sensitivities or asking questions about this new found void of friendliness? Do I want to plebe up and kiss ass and hope I can be included again or roll with the me crowd and shun the 'cool' kids with my not giving much of a thought to the weirdness that has developed? There is the every chance this is a misunderstanding, but I really think it's a somewhat calculated plan that is being realised. There was a look yesterday, during a conversation that said it all. It said DAMN I didn't want you along but I'm going to act like I just didn't think to ask. I've seen that look before and I don't know what I did to deserve it but I'm not holding onto the looker either because I have plenty of hot and cold running friends to choose from.

Keep blogging.

please please tell me now

2007-01-30T11:12:00.000-05:00

Ok so I've been absent, always happens when I get the 6-2.30 shifts because it blows my whole life into a confusing existential realm where there is no time just a series of work related nightmares. Now I'm all days for a couple of weeks. The jet lag of snapping into a new working time zone is killing me. The stupidity of living here is tense and annoying and I get to add to that grief from my sister who is sweating me to give her money.

3 days ago I was disowned because I didn't respond to her email happily volunteering to give them (MUM and SIS) what ever money they needed. Despite the fact I'm saving up for my own reasons and they NEVER pay me back, I get told I'm not being friendly or family like cuz I'm not ponying up to be the bank. I so want to write back that she should get off her lazy ass and get a job somewhere, but that's going to be more grief then necessary. Trust me.

I wrote back saying they aren't friendly or family like only writing to ask for or demand money. I don't have anything to give them and that's all. Oh yes, they are supposedly moving in March and throwing all my stuff out that day. Yeeha.

I didn't really want to blog about how lousy this specific aspect of my life is. I'm becoming the queen of interpersonal drama it seems and I don't like it one bit. It's not fun when the only thing you really have to talk about is the new bullshit your roommates are pulling or the new hell your family is putting you through. I knew this year wasn't going to be spectacular but I wasn't expecting so much drama this early in. It IS drama, when you are disowned and being accused of giving housewares away to your friends. Yes my land lords seem to believe that the missing quiche dish is in fact MY Fault (so says Texas). Apparently since they can't search my room for it I have lent it to someone and don't/can't/haven't gotten it back. It makes me want to throw a damn dollar store quiche dish away every garbage day until there are none left. I mean seriously what am I doing with that fucking useless item of housewares? Smuggling black tar heroine? If you can get 8 for a buck shut the fuck up if one goes missing. I bet it's in Kid M's room with all the other dishes, probably in his mountain of laundry. GO fetch bitches.

Yea so I have nothing good to say so I've been saying nothing at all. I don't want to be deblogrolled so I'm updating you all on the sordid but totally run of the mill BS I'm dealing with this days. Keep blogging.

you take me the way i am

2007-01-20T14:13:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to slowly move myself in a new crisper mental direction. What with the endless whiteboard wars, craptastic working conditions and all the slights perceived and real to myself - I've been throwing about a lot of mental baggage. I've got an interesting quilt going on though, one I will run out of wool for before I'm finished.

It was my birthday Thursday and I met some nice new and creepy new people. I was surprised so many people turned up since most were 'umm I'm not sure if I'll come...'. I got presents and cake, it was the bestest birthday in 20 odd years. I found out most people see themselves as trusting and apparently that makes me suspicious by default. Oh well, it's better for me as I've been taken for many a ride in my short life.

I did realize that my social circle is not the place to find love, that even if it's there it's not the stand up and be known kind so I'm still single and that's like a disease I'll never be cured of I'm sure. In the mean time I'm eveluating my habits and taking stock in the things I've been relying on. If I'm going to move ahead with my fabulous new glass free life where I work out and move on, then I so have to watch myself. I tend to use any excuse to grab a bag of chips, eat an unhealthy amount of anything low on the nutritional scale and generall laze about accomplishing nothing.

With my shifts being so late in the afternoon to start I should be out galavanting around but I'm not. I can blame -27 with the windchill today but there's not much of an excuse for the rest of the days this year where the weather was good and I sat in my room until starting time doing sweet piss all. At least I am aware that I'm taking hte change slow, I am taking it slow as my foot is just coming back online in it's entirety. I am glad to say that the nerve damage I thought I might have appears to have been realted to either the state of my foot at the time or how I was walking on it, as my foot feels fine now. It still has this giant annoying but totatlly unpainful pack of scar tissue in it, but I'll live and I won't even limp.

It's all kind of fun wonderful and I've got stuff to look forward to. I know each new year and situation brings new problems and awesomeness. I'm looking for the glory this year. Even if I have to get an electron microscope I'm going ot find it.

Keep blogging.

never understood a single thing he said but i helped him to drink his wine

2007-01-11T15:27:00.000-05:00

I spend my days thinking about me. I have no significant other to think of and that doesn't look to be changing anytime soon. I have no children and chances are I'll never have my own. I might get the chance to raise someone else's but that's a long way off, I can barely support myself in my selfish over comemrcialised ways. I've spent the last 2 days living without my prevacid, which always makes me wonder how I got along without it. I've been told by now professional health freaks that I don't need the pill and that there is no such thing as acid reflux. Tell that to my falming stomache, my burning throat and the constant knawing in my gut. Make sure to say that loud enough that you can convince it to stop doing what it's doing to me.

I've read a bit about acid reflux. I occassionally worry that I will get throat cancer because acid refux can cause a certain type of scar tissue that is a leading idicatior of cancer. I'm not a doctor, I haven't asked to have my throat byopsied or what ever it is they will do. Still fears are fears. I'm trying to trade in the stock and trade BS fears I live with that I live with 24/7, for new funner fears. I'm not stupid, I know I have issues. I'm even thinking of trying to get referred to a shrink so I can talk to someone who has to listen -. but I'm not sure it will help. As it is I know I'm kinda stuck on this part where I suck and I can't convince myself for long that I don't suck. Somewhere along the line I got convinced by other paople that I'm no good and I'm still looking for them to tell me I'm good. Funny thing about externatl validation -> other people tend to not give it to you because they are so busy trying to get it themselves.

I think a lot and I meet a lot of people just like me. I mean we're not twins, but at the end fo the day we have more in common then they want to admit. I spend the 'holiday' season brassed off that many people get all morally superior about themselves and their lives whwn talking to me. I often wish I was a deaf mute around this time, then I wouldn't be able to tell the stories the get me the mpst pathetic trophy for the season. I suppose I should be thankful I can be a shining example of how bad your family isn't. After all my family stopped talking to me for over a month so as not to have to invite me to Christmas, then emailed me to bitch me out for not calling. A week later appologised for bitching me out and then a week after that hit me up for money. Ah family, nothing like the kiss ass and pick pocket to make you remember why you are going with the orphan statement.

Haven't heard from them since I said I don't have any money to 'lend'. I'm pretty sure that I would never have seen that money again. It's pretty much always that way with my family. Lend, never get it back, get bitched out for recalling that you are owed and haven't been repaid, get hit up to lend again, make the shit list for not lending, get hit up again -> it's kinda endless. I know it could be worse, I could have no family to speak of and be wishing I wasn't all alone, but even with my blood relatives I am all alone so therein lies the rub. I'm intolerant of me because my family taught me that's how I need to be treated and I can't seem to get past loathing how they don't tolerate me and not tolerating myself for who I am and MAN am I flawed. So this weeks LOVE is to get my head on straight a bit, I'm working on my mental soundtrack to get it to play a new song. My song. I have to believe I can make my life better because I need it to be better for me. I just want to be happy.

Keep blogging.

once, upon a time i could love myself, yeah...

2007-01-04T12:51:00.000-05:00

It's a new year. Some of my favourite bloggers are experiencing good times and some bad. Matthew Good has spoken out about his bipolar disorder and I commend him on that. It's possible my Ex had that, but he refused to seek help of any kind and after a few years in a desperate relationship with someone so unstable and violent I left. If he had tried just once to get help I would have stayed, because I did love him. It's not just misplaced loyalty and finding the paralells in him that fit with my fucked up family and memories of grwing up.

So how do we heal? Some would find it unconscionable that I left someone who had any kind of sickness. Some would think I'm whining about being the victime of a violent drug and alcohol abuser. Some will think I'm looking out for myself and did the right thing. I've thought all of these things myself, so it's only natural that others would think the same. It's all about the spin really. Was my life as a married woman that bad? Not really, being married is a desirable thing for me still because to me it equals stability and I covet that. Being married to the man I was made me physically sick, emotionally unhealthy and was all kinds of mental fun in the panicked, terrifying and paranoid ways.

Why I am bringin this up 14 days before my birthday? Because it matters. I have a sense of holiday loss starting on New Years Eve, 20 years after my dad's death and now I can add to that what might have been in a marriage I really wanted to make work, but left because I didn't sign up to live in a war zone. No one has a perfect life, I really do know this. I make people cringe and look at me funny telling them tales of my growing up. I guess I'm very tales from the dark farm, that's why as a family unit we aren't close. Would someone else find that attractive? So far, not really.

I just got back to the point where I can walk some what normally on my own 2 feet. Sure that was mainly my own fault, but there's a lesson in there somewhere right?
If all of life is teaching us what we need to know, shouldn't we contemplate the lessons a little bit? In the grand scheme of things I know this is sort of a bitch blog. I don't come here to extoll the virtues of truth beauty and shiny happy. I have very rarely written anything when I'm not unhappy in some way. That's just how my muse rolls. Forcing me to get the crap out of my head so I can be something resembling shiny and happy. Apparently my shiny happy isn't all that lustorous. But hey -> I have good teeth :)

So looking back on the last year I didn't do too bad. I got into a roommate situation that seems now like a bad idea. It ebbs and flows on the obsessive neuroses front round here, and we're all kinds broken so it's comfy. I'm being questioned relentlessly about the wiseness of my choice to move in with still other roommates. Less of us, semi relationship of a friend type going on. I know you should never live with your friends. I do, but the gains kinda outweigh the cons for me at this moment. Am I worried a bit that I'm just jumping from the frying pan into the fire? Oh hell yea, but sometimes you have to make the mistake to find out if it's really a mistake and if it's a mistake then you know.

Yea I'm a stealer. Live with it. Am I stoked about my birthday. Yes, I've officially made it to more then twice as old as I would have been if my father had lived to my 18th birthday and enacted his plan to kill me as promised for all of my life. I'm not exactly bathing in the normal reality pool but I'm kind of swimming in new cleaner waters and wondering why I've been thinking all of this life stuff is crap. I get cynical for the holidays and this year I also got a bit convinced that me for me isn't really that pathetic. Why me???? Is so much more pathetic. So if I refrain from the former and go with the YAY ME thing for a while I think I can make it through another single valentines day as a single with a severely dark past. Maybe this year I'll start actually writing all the stories I have to tell. Lord knows my dreams say it's time.

Keep blogging.

if you need to know while i'm still standing you just fade away

2006-12-31T11:45:00.000-05:00

It's been a few weeks. I'd say sorry but quality me time and healing was really all I wanted to think about. Not that I stopped thinking in the interim, gracious no - I just started to think how easy it is to get into situations that are somehow bad for you. I wonder if people somehow subliminally find places and people to foster the crap that they are most comfortable with? Mostly I wonder if I'm going to spend the rest of my life realising I've gotten myself into another bad living arrangement and wondering how to get myself the fuck out of it.

Case in point, my current abode of convenience. The whiteboard notes haven't stopped, infact there's a whole new level of toilet paper insanity goign on. Add to that Kid N and J didn't leve for 2 weeks thid Christmas they left for 4 days and had a stupid note posted almost the second they walked in and the tension here is kinda high. I know as far as they are concerned I'm just a tennant but I feel it's important to feel at home in your own house, and since my stuff is here it's my house. I don't need to hear snarky tirades about blaming people because I just made tea and left the remaining water in the kettle on the stove. Why did I do that? Because I wanted more tea and that water was already hot so using it up didn't seem like a bad thing. But what do I expect from them when it's note after note about the stupidest shit and yet they're ransacking the kitchen all night like total stoner burnouts with suicidal muchie binges on? Actually I expect the people who famously brought us the toilet paper activities note and the don't use the napkins and paper towels white board post to, oh I dunno, be as anal about themselves as they insist in being about others. Silly me.

Ok rant done. I had a 24 hour thing yesterday, I hope it was 24 hour cuz I need to be able to work for the next while so I get mey New Years stat pay. I don't know exactly what the problem was expect I was nauseous and my head really hurt and my sinuses were so stuffed I couldn't move. If I did it was like someone prying open my head, or trying to from the inside. Still kinda squishy today but I'm going in to work and braving the endless sicknesses others are bringing with them to do so. It's occassionally winter here so, of course, everyone is sick and they're coming to work cuz we're all sluts for stat pay. Every dollar counts when you're planning on moving to somewhere friendly and warm, at least in my case.

The foot is good. I had a huge honking chunk taken out of it and I got to watch this time as they had the chair all barca loungered instead of head to the floor feet in the air like last time. The Dr and the nurse made a joke about not being responsible for any nightmares I may have, it was funny and I didn't and don't have nightmares but I can describe what was done now in great detail and may be giving others nightmares :P I took the stitches out kind early so it took a week fot the incision to fully fill in and scab over and be ok. The ice rain didn't help, becuase I slipped and screwed up what had healed up so that's why it took a week. Usually I'm a fast healer. Given the slip and my insistance on walking around on it like it's fine, I'm sure my foot wants to kick my ass for being so mean to it and not babying it more but I gotta get around and aside from one day it's not had to go as the main mode of transportation for hours yet. I still haven't been on the bus, I'm holding off on that until I can be sure that the foot won't suffer. Winterish times do nothing to allay that fear, they just add water to the busses :)

I got some weird email from my sister the other day. She sent me a bitchy email about not phoning for Christmas and I bitched right back about having surgery. Now she's either shitting me or is possibly actually trying to make a connection. I've been fooled before. It usually goes something like let's be firends and then we chat a bit and then there's a fight or a demand to buy the family something couched in the 'if you love us' or 'aren't we friends?' crap that ever user who knows you're onto them uses. Usually the let's get a long thing is the introduction to really unsubtle questions about how much money I make and what I spend it on so she can make calculations on what to ask for. Seriously, I can see this coming now it's happened so many times before. I guess I'm jaded when it comes to family. Can't I just tell people I'm an orphan?

So there's the last few weeks in review. I have to go take some ibuprofen for the foot and then it's off to work I go. I hope the New Year is bright and Shiny for all of you. I'm feeling healed, we'll know if it took this time next month so I'll keep you posted :)

Keep blogging.

i drink alone with nobody else

2006-12-12T19:10:00.000-05:00

To bend to the public pressure I've been receiving today I went and spent a wack on a winter coat. I don't really have one I will wear all the time. I have a 3/4 length wool coat (and I itch just thinking about wool) but it has no hood. For the past couple of winters I've been making due with a shell and very old ski jacket liner. I decided to cave for 2 reasons. It's not even the 15th of December and all winter wear everywhere is on clearance sale and if I don't get it now I'll be without the option later and secondly because I'm trying to make a change.

I've been kvetching about my foot long enough for y'all to know it's a pain and I'm dying to get it all back to something resmbling working order. That is supposed to happen tomorrow. I says supposed to because I'm stressed about this. I've been mopre stressed about this surgery than the first one. When I'm stressed I eat and I've gone up a clothing size because of this and work. Why? Well work is hell but the real issue is the surgery. I know wht it's going to feel like. I can't say this time how bad will it be cuz I know how bad it will be. I'm worried he'll screw up again and I'll still be dealing with the glass in my foot next year. I'm totally terrified that as an add on to the end of the day I'm going to get there and be told the appointment isn't there on the schedule. That he's decided he doesn't have time to do this or that he does it, but is really peeved and I end up with complications.

Now that's far fetched I know but it's not inconceivable that things like that can and do happen. Shit happens. SO I'm tripping out and I'm wiggy and sleeping and I aren't so much pals anymore. I can't wait til 5 pm tomorrow when I know the ending of the story, at least until the swelling subsides :P

So to calm myslef I went to the movies where 4.25 Tuesdays ahs turned into you don't get a choice pop and popcorn. I decided to go see Deja Vu cuz I like sci-fi and it's about time travel (oh yes it is) and Denzel is a fine buddy movie guy. I'm always thrown off a bit by the bonded overbite, but he's the bomb for likeable guys. I see Denzel and I'm sure we'd get a long a ok in real life, even if he's a bit weird. Aren't we all?

Anyways I went and watched and remembered why Jim Caveizel is hot and wished I didn't have to pee so bad. I couldn't leave I was afraid I'd miss something. I really was. It was a good movie. A decent premise and the best hair I've seen on Adam Goldberg in ages. Add to that the puffy Val Kilmer and you've got 4 reasons I went to see a movie other than Jame Bond. Oh I want to see Bond but I'm saving him for later.

I like sci fi, which s why I'm loving the Lost Room on Space this week. That's a keep mini series for me. Now Deja Vu isn't quiet the same, it's a movie and all, but it's got a lot going for it and it does keep a solid pace going without too much head shaking and there's enough blow em up, blast em down stuff to keep the action fan happy. What I like best is it took the idea it had and made it seem real and powerful. The villain was really good, the villanous machine trying to keep Denzel from the girl was predictable and kind of laughable really, maybe that whole part was poorly edited - but in the end you were rooting for Denzel to white knight the hottie. She wasn't a very smart or integral hottie but she got the eye candy thing done and so I'm sure served her written purpose. This is not a cause movie really. At least I didn't find it was. For me there was a cause given, but it was more about what won't a guy do to get the hottie. Well Denzel was willing to have himself possibly deep fried (I'm so not giving anything away - see the movie) for that hottie he never met.

To me this movie stands out because it does what Paycheque didn't. It gives us a couple with chemistry, a bunch of smartasses trying to make a differnece and plausible contraption that explains some people's deepest fears. I'm also sure it's got a little rhetoric on the use of surveillance post 9/11 in it, but I can overlook that as it's a plot device. We have all the hollywood standards and with that is delivered a standard pop corn muncher with some sentimantalitly, some ego, some laughs and some sc fi effects. Throw in a few car crashes and it's a solid way to escape your fears.

Keep blogging.

the devil went down to Gerogia he was looking for a soul to steal

2006-12-05T17:02:00.001-05:00

According to the rules…Each player of this game starts with the “6 weird things about you”. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog. I was tagged by Sassinak.

1. I don't have 6 close blog 'friends' to tag. It took hours to figure out who to tag because I'm not a regular commenter and I don't get regular comments either. Some people are probably going to wonder who the hell I am leaving the tag on their blog after not commenting forever.

2. I get gamers rage. I hate to lose at video games and at one time had a collection of broken gamecube controllers to prove it. I don't think this is a bad thing as gaming is my stress relief. If I can afford to break it it shouldn't matter if I do is my gaming motto.

3. I'm so excited to have the glass out of my foot I'm positively jumping for joy. Even though it hasn't been long enought for me to forget how that felt the first time to have this done I can't wait to have done again. I'm not a sypmathy whore either, because seriously no one was even volunterring to help me out until I was fully mobile last time. This time it's a larger job and all I can think is my god it's going to be nice to have so much time off :)

4. I take people far too seriously. I'm a very literal black and white thinker. If you drunkenly tell me I'm hot or you're going to fix me up with someone I believe you. I will beleive everything I'm told until I learn that your are unreliable. If I learn that you are unreliable I won't believe a thing you say to me again, ever.

5. I'm beligerent to people who see me coming and get in my way. If you are walking and see me walking and walk in front of me so close I could and should kick or step on you or even better you stop infornt of me like I don't exist I will tell you to get the fuck out of my way you fucking ignorant cow. I try to avoid shopping over the holidays because of this :)

6. I have no class, tact or taste when it comes to men. I'm a total idiot and lack the social skils to even get noticed in a flattering way, so I've given up on dating. It's official you read it here first. Nice girls don't finish at all it seems :P

I tag Emily , Livvy , Factory Peasant , spared , Alex and RaJ.

Keep blogging.

i want to lie shipwrecked and comatose drinkig fresh mango juice

2006-11-26T11:26:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't been here in a while. Thanks for noticing RaJ :)

I haven't been doing anything exciting. Playing Civ3 and trying to take over the world. Hvae strange encounters of the social kind and playing darts like a champeen. He he he.

Nothing interesting has been going on int the life of me. I've not been dating, or wanting to date. There have been dumb ass notes and way wicked plots of retaliation. There have been laughs and satisfaction galore. Plans that never got anywhere and plans that sailed on finely. Life's been even and basically good. Nothing to talk about that's new or meaningful or interesting to me. I've just been living in the slow move circle, where I go where I want to only slowly and with lots of trepedition.

I'll write more soon. Have a good weekend. Keep blogging.

if you want me you can find me left of center wondering about you

2006-11-12T13:21:00.000-05:00

It's a long week. Split days off will do that to ya. I finally got my raise. I didn't get my performance appraisal. My new boss hasn't bothered to introduce himself to anyone, I think it's bad juju to not even have the balls to bother saying hi to your new crew. Another lamo boss, gee wiz.

All's quiet on the dating front. I'm thinking of joining a local fat girls group. It's a good way to network and socialise with people who aren't going to put me down for not being a barbie and hopefully I can find a nice guy whose fetish is larger size rather tan large groups, young things, cheating or being beaten. Yea I get the winners.

It's all about the pay cheque this week. I did a lot of overtime. To the point where I don't want to do a minute more than I have to. For at least a couple of days anyways. I'm doing good on that whole healthier eating via the less fast food thing. Mainly because I want shopaholic psycho and overspent before. Now it's kinda cutting into my extra circulars but whatever, I'll deal. Tomorrow starts the count down to the operation part 2. Dec 13 I get the pleasure ? of having the glass finally taken out of my foot, and the 1.5 month hobbling time not counted, couldn't be happier. My DR may want to kill me but he's a drama queen anyways.

In the stupid is as stupid does department I got blamed for the smoking oven. I told Kid N the thing was smoking and I didn't know how to clean it and he says don't worry about it. Kid J come out with full white board notice on my not informing them of the issue. Uh, not really my fault I don't get paid attention to is it? And PS it was smoking before I used it, it's been smoking for weeks and your sitting there and honestly trying to sell me on the fine-ness of the oven as you used it right before me I don't buy it. You just didn't see the smoke? Right, that's why when I walked in the kitchen was all fogged with smoke. The oven just knew I was coming huh? I thought about writing back and instead went and said my piece. Whatever was smoking was there before I used the oven, way before and you can say what you want about it. Apparently I cook more then you because I've seen it for weeks and apparently I am way more observant to boot.

Yea, if only we could all just get along and be friendly. This whole us against you thing is lame. As if the world isn't a cold enough place already. Keep blogging.

i hope he never lets me down again

2006-11-10T11:59:00.000-05:00

It was interesting to take a space and time break yestereday. I was planning to go into work to suck up some overtime and make this next paycheque huge -> only I didn't do it. I did a whole lot fo nothing instead. I really can't say where the time went. Except for the hour at the mall getting supper and the 2 hours making supper, including adding a little grease to whatever was already burning in the oven. I got nothing but a few tv shows watched. I did a little crocheting and contemplated the meaning of idleness.

Having mt hopes dashed for me typically heralds a return to work in a blinding panic to achieve something, to prove my intrinsic value and absolute worth. I just don't care any more. I wish I did. I want to want to work like a maniac and all that, throw myself into something, anything with abandon. Work just doesn't jones me like it used to. In a way it was beyond high time for some mental and non social downtime. I got some quality me time in and I'm kinda really down with that. On the other hand it was mega creepy sitting there last night, in the middle of a double deja vu -> wondering if I didn't make the right decision the first time am I making it the next time and then realising that I never came to the deja vu place in time, I just had the same dream about that point, twice. Then wondering if that means that the turning point is extra special important or if I'm just sliding off the slope into mentally unstable already. I spent so much time wonderin that, that I totally forgot that it's about a decision. I didn't actively make any decision at all. I didn't come to any conclusions or plan squat.

Wonder how that's gonna work for me int he grand scheme of things. In my life to come, is it really so important that maybe I didn't make that life altering decision right there when that scene I'd dreamt of a twice popped up and I recognised it and felt the importance of it. Have I somehow managed to negate my entire existance by possibly failing to make the the single most important decision I've had to make yet? We'll see.

Keep blogging.

just let it take you where it wants to only a fool puts limitations on love

2006-11-07T11:27:00.000-05:00

I've recently discovered I have no drive to achieve left. There are noises at work about firing the vocal disgruntled. there is tonnes of over time available. I don't want to think about any of it, much less do the over time. I should though. I need the money for that rainy day thing that everyone talks about. There are more and more reasons to save money and make plans and I am positively ambivalent about it.

Kind of like this blog. I'm falling off links rolls and losing readership weekly and no one even comments anymore, and I don't care. I started this to make a dent o hte world in a way, to leave a mark and make myself known and overall it's sort of like no one wants to know me or they're losing interest. I know it's the season and the weather and people have their own lives. What ever happened to reaching out? Whatever happened to making friends? What ever happened to social networking? If you're not constantly talkin about celebrities, politics, gossip, sex or your kids you can't keep a readership. The occassional weightloss and my thoughts blog rakes them in too. Am I just too out of the norm? Am I missing the magic potion to rake in the interested?

It's that unknown. I just don't have a clue and I have to guess it's that there's not enough sweetness and light here to keep people interested. It's the best hypothesis I can determine other than people don't like the 'voice' I use or the content of the blog sucks. Maybe it does. Maybe that is what no one is willing to say. Maybe it's no comment retalliation. I haven't been leaving remarks else where so I get none of my own. What ever ir is I'm not all gung ho to fix it. I'm just not gung ho to fix anything these days. I'll bebetter next year. When the foot has finally fallen into place :)

Keep blogging.

baby life's what you make it can't escape it

2006-11-02T22:44:00.000-05:00

In the mean time, while I've been gone, I hope you've been enjoying other things. As usualy I've been mining my own mind and I realised how I tend to shut myself of and switch directions endlessly. It's simple really. I lose interests easily. If something is too hard I stop doing it. If someone shuts me down in the least I walk away forever. It's not that I'm a quitter really. I'm insecure with who I am so if I try for something and meet any resistance I lose hope and freak out and feel badly. I guess I'm rationalising giving up aren't I?

I can't complain too much about my life. I'm alone a lot. It's better that way because people, being people, tend to be hurtful. Not intentionally, but sometimes even on purpose. What with an uncaring mom, abusive dad and spiteful sister -> I grew up and into the victim role well. Somethings are hard to get over or around. Maybe it's hard to give up. I just know that I go looking for friendship and fun and I tend to find the opposite. Some of it is me hiding inside myslef terrified to even say hello to someone. I have to force myself and it's always so shocking when the world doesn't end. It's really apparent my social phobias are internal and debilitating about 20 percent of the time. In some ways I've managed to circumvent them totally and I don't know how. In other ways they take me over completely and wrack me with this stifling depression over how totally crap I am.

It's winter, the tea time of my total mental melt down has arrived. I usually feel like a sordid kind of hell only over Christmas, while others regale me with the endless tales of happy families and good relationships. I have a laundry list of the dark side of life and thing gone horribly worng. And I dwell on it. I brood. I try to figure out how to atone and the thing is, it's all about things I think I may have possibly somehow done wrong. The curse of the responsible pleasing person. So how do I fix it??

It hit me the other night -> fuck fixing it. I probably say this every year, but right now I'm totally determined to leave the giant flaming issues of the past steaming there in the middle end of 2006. Yea I'm sick of myself again. I never learned how to cope. Never had anyone to talk to or rely on and in many ways I believe I never will, despite all evidence to the contrary. That's the rub. While I sit and wallow I devalue all the people that do and have cared. I negate all that I am given and do have because I focus only on the things I didn't get and don't have and managed to drop the ball on. Yea I suck, but who doesn't. I'm going to kick my neuroses one at a time and be happy about it. Or at least act happy about it because it feels so much better than wallowing. It really does.

Keep blogging.

your moment will run out cause of your sex chromosome

2006-10-31T10:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. You wait and you wonder about something and if you ar patient, all questions are answered. What if it feels like the wrong answers? What is it's not what you wanted? If you are getting what you need, how do you reconcile that with how you see yourself? Sure I'm an open and honest person, but being challenged on all my biases, being made to wonder what I even have standards for is wearing thin. Apparently I can't be trusted to think for myself or to pick things for myself -> because it all turns into a perverse charicature of what I've always thought I wanted.

I get it, I do. I have to stop wanting things. Obviously this is what the universe is trying to tell me. I'm not stuck with the Xfiles literal evil genie universe am I?? If I am, kill me now because I'm seven seconds from postal. Seriously.

It's halloween. I'm getting dressed, I'm going out, I'm going to lean on my friends. I don't think I'll tell them why, being a dreamer and all, broken dreams are hard to explain. Then there's the entire patheticness factor. Oh I know I'm totally pathetic. I know I have no excuses for the what I do and I get myself into trouble everytime because I see the good in everyone. Some people like that about me but I'm pretty certain it's my biggest flaw. I always end up disappointed in the quest to conquer my own fears and find what I deserve because I am Schrödinger's cat's. I also like Wikipedia for the info on the cat. And because I'mnot a total sad sack you have to go here and see the cat for yourself.

I'm going to go out and get food and then set about making the rest of the day good and glorious. As best as I can what with leaning on my friends and all, and while I do that I have to hope the Gods stop thinking of my desires as their own personal irony pond and smile at me just a bit there. Just to keep me sane. Just a bit, please?

Keep blogging.

but not being there might break your sweet heart

2006-10-29T22:40:00.000-05:00

I'm not suddenly living my life like I was in an airplane that nearly crashed. I have been living my life that way for quite some time. Cutting away the needless, blocking off the inroads for those who mean to hurt and offend. I am working on me and it's getting me noticed. It's also getting me to that familiar nowhere space, where I know if I rely on what I've done before (the tired and true) I'll regret the results being the same. On the other hand there is the unknown and the unknown is scary. I don't know if I'm really ready to go through that door and just find the path for me there. I need to let go of my insecurities and trust that I can find the rest of my life without them.

I know that a certain percent of communication is unsaid. I know that I'm being told that I'm cared for and carefully I'm being sized up and put off in the hopes I can wait. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know if I want to wait or push and get turned down. I know there is fear here and maybe it's fear of moving too fast, not being ready or of being hurt. What I don't know is if I should try to help the fearful cast their fears aside and move on with the future, whatever it may hold. I know I care and I want to know what the future holds. I waver on wanting the possibility only when I let the old bullshit I hear about myself well up and make me insecure. The rest of the time I know this is what needs to happen now.

I guess the real issue I have is the unknown again. I don't have a time frame. I don't know what is going to happen or how long it takes to get to where I want to be. I won't say there isn't a definite place I want to be, because there is. I have definite designs for my life and I think that all the pieces are millimetres from falling into place. Given that, even with that certainty, I know that the slightest misstep and it will fly apart in the ugliest fashion available. I think I just need a clue, a little pat on the back that says good job, keep going. Unfortunately there are no sign posts on the road up ahead. I don't like the ides of not knowing the final score for quite a while, but it seems, my new found patience is paying off.

TOP TEN

10) you are my joy - the reinderr section
9) let's get it on - matthew good band
8) knife in the country - hawksley workman
7) great indoors - john mayer
6) baby i love you (leave me the fuck alone)- the yahoos
5) fix you up - tegan and sarah
4) letting the cables sleep - bush
3) try - nelly furtado
2) call me when you're sober - evanessence
1) it's beginning to get to me - snow patrol

"It's Beginning To Get To Me"

I want something
That's purer than the water
Like we were

It's not there now
Ineloquence and anger
Are all we have

Like Saturn's rings
An icy loop around me
Too hard to hold

Lash out first
At all the things we don't like
Or understand

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point
They're always fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about

The answer phone
The lonely sound of your voice
Frozen in time

I only need
The compass that you gave me
To guide me on

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point
They're always fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about

It's so thrilling but also wrong
Don't have to prove that you are so strong
Cos I can carry you on my back
After our enemies attack

I tried to tell you before I left
But I was screaming under my breath
You are the only thing that makes sense
Just ignore all this present tense

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

Keep blogging.

i'm bill pardy bitch bitch bitch

2006-10-27T12:18:00.000-04:00

I managed to find Slither in town. I looked for it when it came out Tuesday and I was at the Rideau Centre. After 4 hours of hairtainment I needed a break. It was no where to be found. All I kept thinking was how can a freaking horror movie not be available the week before halloween? What is wrong with these people?? It wasn't in HMV, Futureshop, Blockbuster or WalMart. I went online and found it at Best Buy and on a whim yesterday went into Music World at St Laurent and found it. After one of the sales clerks telling me he'd never heard of the movie, probably because of his apathy. Whatever.

I watched it this morning. Too funny really. Really. I love horror movies and Halloween is the time to get the collection extended for the good low prices. Slither is new so it's not cheap, but I missed it in the theatres and I was so disappointed. I was determined to get the DVD and now I have it. I'm way happy about it, because we have to face the facts -> not all reviews will reflect my taste and some 'horror' movies that have been 'liked' lately I think are pure crap. I like my gore with a total dressing of comedy. If it's taking itself too seriously I'm kinda bored and disinterested. I'm a huge fan of the 80's horror schlock like House, Fright Night and Waxwork. Add to that my classic monster fetish for vampires and werewolves and there's a lot of room for a lot of horror movies to view and decide upon. Lately I've gotten more into the watching the classic black and whites too, but I still shy away from the 70's B horrors of that genre, for that I prefer the slasher stuff. All in all I'm a well rounded horror film buff, though a zombies are the least entertaining of the lot for me.

I never did find any wicked witch black and white stockings for my costume. I am not sure exactly what it is I'm going for with the concept. Apparently there is a team concept where we all come in in head to toe black like a bunch of emo goths or something. I overheard it, I wasn't told directly. Since I don't work it's more like I'll show when I want looking how I want and see what happens. I'm going to take my chicken slippers in a bag and my camera because I want some pictures of this dammit. I'm all about the pictures. I was snap happy yesterday and the best was trying to get the rabbits we saw close to Pinky and the Brains' house. But my flash wouldn't go off right and 4 of the 5 pictures show nothing at all really, except for eye reflections and I'm mad that I spent the money to get the rechargeable batteries that never recharge and are always failing on me. I'm so beyond unimpressed with it. I mean I KNOW how hard on batteries that current electronics are and all, but c'mon this is ridiculous. Between buying batteries for my MP3 player and the digital camera I'm going broke and the recargables are shit, even though they say they are designed for use specifically with digital cameras and such. Errg.

So we didn't do any pumpkin carving because we got lazy and it was cold and it's still cold but I got a new sweater and I'm happy shmappy. I have to spend some time helping my sister reinstall the video card drivers in my old computer because she got spy ware and instead of telling me about it she decided to just delete stuff off the hard drive herself and she deleted the video card drivers and now has giant icons and no colour selection. Wing nut. She actually told me to skip work and go there and fix it for her. Sure I'll not get paid today to spend money to travel an hour plus on the train at full fare, to go fix what you shouldn't have broken but called me about, and then spend more money to come back on the train and then work tomorrow. Yea right. Family, wanna buy one cheap?

Keep blogging.

and folks they used to smile and now they just think that they should

2006-10-25T12:43:00.000-04:00

I've gone and had my hair done again. 4 hours and an obscene amount of money later and I'm not happy. Nothing shocking there because I'm never really happy. I have never gone to a solaone and come out thinking I got exactly what I wanted, at least not since I went through hairstylist classes myself. Now I know what's supposed to be done. Plus most hairstylists think that chopping up my hair like a fucked up flowby attacked me is a great punk style. No that is just not being able to cut in a strait line.

I've been getting my flirt on big time. Hot/flirt guy from work and I have been emailing. Last night he spent hours chatting with me on MSN, that was after emailing me to tell me he'd not be reachable til Friday. I wasn't the only person he was chatting too. It seems his friesnds seeing him online were hitting him up to go out with them. He stayed in a chatted with me instead. Lately he's been all about the telling ma specifically what he's doing or going to do. Our latest conversations have included mentioning of going to bed, sleeping, undressing, male full frontal nudity, showering and jammies. I cracked back lst night that he's always trying to make me think of naked men and his snappy reply was that nudity is standard at his place and I have been warned. Hmmm. Sounds like something I wouldn't mind. I'm so ...

I'm going to go slaughter some pumpkins tomorrow and drink. The last few nights off I've had drinks to wind down. I've been spikey with the pressure of a neverending queue at work and the whole ongoing email flirt and probably the weather. I'm worrying too that I'm maybe slipping into a bad habit but It's not like I'm passing out drunk all the time. I have a drink here or there and right now the only one judging me is me. I feel guilty because I don't know what it takes to make an alcoholic but I come from a long line and I don't relish the idea of falling into line with that part of the family. Still I'm going to go drink and kill pumpkins so that they can shine their light off the balcony of the 18th floor at Pinky and the Brains' house.

There will be pictures. Keep blogging.

2006-10-23T11:52:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about disappointment, because I think there is really nothing people fear more. Sure people are afraid of lots of thing, hackers, stalkers, rejection but the active fear of diappointment leads people to do many strange things. They lie, they avoid, they act out. This isn't anything new because fear, like love, makes you crazy.

Still how do you stop from being disappointed? Sure it's just caused by your projection of beliefs onto others and events -> but how do you stop that? When the every word you hear is visualize what you want and you can make it happen. I know it's not that easy, it's not that simple and that it can be very very dangerous. On the other hand having low or no expections to avoid disappointment is just as dangerous. It seems we walk a fine line between wanting something and wanting nothing in a fitfull mode of expectation and panic.

It's been crazy busy at work and I got weird traded shifts and haven't been here muck. To make it up to you I present you with part of my haloween costume ->

we'll find a place in time a place in time to call our home

2006-10-17T11:21:00.000-04:00

I know I'm not a regular poster anymore. The less i post the less people read. Or maybe I'm just finding my real stats now. It doesn't stop me and I don't think 0 readers would even hurt my feelings at this point. I'm awash wondering why it seems that things are the way they are.

I know so many people who do not celebrate life. They are afraid of living, dying, getting older. I have fear, fear made foolish and simple by the sheer number of reasons it should not be a fear I succumb too. Fear is fear and it hones regret. I'm a pusher though, I push myself to move on and go around and do what I need to do. Sometimes I do it in slow motion. I read this and started wondering about my fear. I don't like to be told no. I don't want to ask the hot/flirt guy out because I don't want things to change. I like taklking to hime, I like learning about him, I like the flirting. And if I ask him out and it scares him off I could lose all that. I don't have that many friends that I can lose the ones I have.

It's a silly, baselless fear. He's been talking to me this long, worse that would happen is that we stop talking. I have plenty of other people to talk to. But it would kill the fantasy. The fantasy that someone is interested in me. Why is that a fantasy? Mostly because I do not notice when someone is interested. They don't tell me, if someone doesn't tell me I have no idea. Because I live in a bubble, a bubble where everyone is my friend and it takes a big gesture to make a dent. No gesture = no clue with me.

It's not so much that I think I'm unworthy, uninsteresting, unloveable anymore. I know none of that is true. It's a lesson I let my friends teach me. It's a lesson I took a long time to learn. But now that I'm having grown up moments I'm realizing that the things I was told to want don't matter. I have to give that up and start building my family. I may never have one any other way. I may never get my happily ever after but I will have love. The love of my friends, if not my biological (pathological)family.

Everyone is flawed, has fears, dreams, desires. Everyone out there feels alone and hurts for the loss of something. I want to hug you all and let you know it's going to be ok. There is a reason for you being here, something to learn and take away from that fear and agony you are going through. You may never be able to see it, it may never become clear, but in the bigger picture of your life it will be there finishing the shot. I can't help the people I am caring for from afar, but I can send this message out.

Someone cares. Someone knows and understands. You are going to be alright.

Keep blogging.

sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

2006-10-13T23:54:00.000-04:00

In the days when it's cold I become lyrical and know I'm under appreciated. I give a lot, and sometimes it takes a lot for me to come out of my self and smile and talk. I live on sugar to fuel my hyper activity so I can be out there and talk to everyone and be friendly. When things are good and I'm out there and being in hte world and living and happy I forget about the inside of my head. I forget where the quiet is and where the alone is and I walk away from the path that leads to eloquence and blistering insight and revealations galore. I do it as a great compromise, because I'm a different person when I'm all in and really writing and I don't want to be that lonely. Locked inside my head with the mystery and poetry and ideas I'm so far away from reality and I don't want to come back. I can't be in both places and the other one is sucking me back.

It's creeping into my thoughts and dreams and it's making it hard to think in straight lines and plan things I want to do. I want to lie in my squishy bed and dream about how wonderful all my life would be if I could visualize it into reality. I doubt vizualization is a viable way to motivate myself because in the best case scenario it's day dreaming and in the worst cse scenario it's living outside of the actualality of reality. It keeps me from seizing the opportunity to offer cute/hot work guy dinner because I'm worried it'll set a bad trend and he'll be just like any other loser I ever had the misfortune to actually eat food with in a date esque fashion. In a way it's true, because he's a man and I only date men, so in that vague way he is exactly the same as everyone else I've dated.

But I'm fixated. Captured. I can't wait for the next email. I get excited I got added to the chat feature. I'm completely projecting the ides he likes me in the possible date way and yet I go no further then that. I don't dream of fairytale anythings. I actively change my thoughts away from him to limit expectations because this time it is going to be different, and so far it is. But do I know what 'it' is? Nuh uh. And I'm not asking either. I've been there and done the massively impatient, scary girl with pressuring questions and built in expectations before. Right now I'm trying my best to be the go with it girl, and it's so unfamiliar and foreign that I'm preipherally scared to death. But that's out there, not in here with me like I can feel it and breathe it and live it, it's something I'm wearing that I want to shrug off but it keeps tripping me up.

I don't want to be stupid and unlucky again. I don't mind getting hurt as long it's not futilely or embarassingly. I know you gotta flop around a long time to find the real gold at the end of the rainbow, and sometimes the gold is just an illusion -> but I am a romantic and I so believe there is someone out there. Did I find him? Did he find me? Is there a hope in hell I won't grow up to be the crazy snake lady with an errant cat? We'll see what the erstwhile fates have in store for me. So far I'm just one wild shift trade away from working 8 days in a row straight.

Keep blogging.

i'll give a little bit i'll give a little bit of my life for you

2006-10-12T21:43:00.000-04:00

At any given time these days I'm conflicted. I know I'm judgemental and I still do it regardless of what it does to me karmically. I'm stuck in an internal drama that has the regular part of me fighting the neurotic part in a battle of defeated logic and stillted views. I can't make up mt mind as to waht I want, I take chances I'm sure will burn painfully only to end up all smiles. I walk with the devil and call him friend, because for the time he is. All the while knowing he wil turn on me. Even as I beat myself up ove things I have the lack of will power to control, I regret the acts for the merest breadth of a second an move on.

I'm still suspicious that my blog is being read by people in the house. Why? Odd questions that have no reason to be asked. Patently bad investigations going on and I don't really care if they do read it. After all you can't really expect to talk behind people's backs with out it getting to their fronts eventually. They don't call it a bad habit because talking trash about people you know makes them love you and want to be your BFF. Well maybe if they look for that in someone it does, but generally I like straight up people who aren't massively passive aggressive. The level of avoidance in this house is exhausting, good thing I'm around mostly when everyone else isn't. No sense in dealng with other people's drama unless you sign up for it and I like mine serialized.

I think the bulk of my problem is that I think at all. I over think, analise and fret. I say I want things to unfold but I'm impatient and feel undeserving because I'm so unsure. It's like my hair. I really wanted it different all of a sudden, and I went drastic and it's almost completely worn off now and I've already decided that (even though my last hair change was a latent reaction to my 4th year wedding anniversary and yes I was divorced) I want my hair to be Izzy Stevens blonde now. It's still got gob patches of pink where the purple red has faded. I'm not worried that it won't come out as much as I'm worried that the hairdresser won't want to touch it with the pink that will come out and all. Or worse, that they'll try to bleach it out and fry off my hair.

I guess I'm prescious about my hair, even if it does grow back, because I'm potentially dating again. And anyone who has dated knows that guys like longer hair. I'm actually liking my longer hair so these two things work out. Generally I'm an expectations rebel, but these days some thing in me has seen expectations turn to something closer to the main stream. Sure I'm almost 36 and still punk rocking my hair. Sure I'm contemplating a piercing where the sun don't shine, since I decided against the tongue -> but hey I tend to want things for a bit then give up on it because I'm lazy and therefore what I want is unattainable. At least I know this and can accept that I am the product of my own lack of self discipline and toatl inaction. Now I have to turn that all around and make it work for me next year.

Why next year? Well it's not that I've totally given up on this year but the entire glass in my foot situation is really holding me back and won't be done with and healed until the end of the year. That means my best plan of action is get myself revved for big changes come January. I can lay the ground work now but next year is going to see the real progress and effort kick in because there will be nothing keeping me off my feet. Even if someone manages to sweep me off them at some point, I'll still be standing like I want to be, not in heavily padded shoes with a giant swollen lump making me stand and walk weird.

Keep blogging.

let it play out buy the rights to endless love if your friends don't like it you can tell them for me to fuck off

2006-10-10T14:52:00.000-04:00

When it starts to get cold I start to notice how much I don't get touched. I didn't grow up in a friendly environment, we didn't hug much and as I grew up I learned to be physically stand offish. My evil twin is as touchy feelie as they come, but it's a natural thing for me to touch someone and not wonder if they mind that I touched them. I mind when people I don't touch me, it just sets off alarms galore in my head; but sometimes you want to be touched. You want a hug, a kiss, some affection. I dislike being single for the total lack of touching and affection. I can do almost anything else I need, since I'm a girl with a toy box - but the touch thing.

I think it's that this time of year is when you cover up more. Since I have sensitive skin I have to moisturize almost all the time, but in the winter it's so much more important to moisturize then in the summer. In the summer you can sort of slack a bit without consequence but not in the winter. At least not me. All that slathering lotion, looking at the parts of me that will miss the warm aire and sandals and the sun makes me long for someone else who'd enjoy applying the lotion. It's the kind of day today where it feels like that someone will never come. Worse still, it's shaping up to have been that kind of year.

Sure there was that Summer fling, but it was a boring guy and a boring time that I hesitate to repeat with anyone. Mostly because it was just a lousy time. It's hard to be with anyone who doesn't make an effort to get to know you or care to recall anything about you. It's the littlest bits of attention that stick with you, that make a difference. The difference between someone you'd really want to get to know and someone you'd make time to get to know is how imporant they make you feel right? Catching the details is what defines that difference. Unfortunately NOT everyone gets the same time of day considerations and we all know it.

I'm divorsced now and no longer dating on a sliding scale of imperfections. Speaking of imperfections -> when do you let the details flip you out? Do you freak when the guy who says he doesn't smoke has nicotine stains on his fingers? When the single guy who says he doesn't have kids starts telling you all about his son's birthday or when that not married guy's wife shows up? It's all in the degrees and everybody lies. My lie? Omitting my age. Oh I know I have to give it up and take the risk that the younger guy will still wanna talk to the older girl, and no matter how many times I tell someone my age they so forget anyways so I don't know why I feel so WRONG about my age and younger guys. I guess I caught the bad attitude from society. Now how do I lose it?

Keep blogging.

past the road to your house that you never called home

2006-10-08T23:19:00.000-04:00

We were talking Turkey the other day. Literally as Thanksgiving is tomorrow (Monday) here in Canada. I was talking toe Pinky (ooh she's gonna love that name)and saying how I'm not big on Turkey but I've always wanted to make a duck for a holiday dinner. I had duck once as a kid and loved it and have always wanted to make my own. So a plan, of sorts, was hatched. We decided the throw together our own Thanksgiving today (Sunday). The catch being that I am the only one wha actually wasn't working today.

So thanks to Pinky and her man (the Brain?), my dream of making duck for a holiday dinner came true. I rocked the duck, she rocked the sweet potato fries and he rocked the stove top. He came back the latest, so it was sort of an eat and run situation but it was so fucking sweet to do the dinner thing, mostly civilized (I do eat with my hands) and we had late season wine and laughed. I felt like a grown up. Almost 36 and I just had my first 'grown up' moment. I've always been a late bloomer. The only thing we didn't get, that we talked about, was pumpkin pie. Mostly because the ones we did find looked disgusting, but a bit because I think in our hearts we knew it would have been a waste. Now I know it would have been cuz we wouldn't have been able to eat any of it.

I went shopping. I got Grey's Season 2 and an iTunes card. I don't know if I'm going to love or loathe iTunes, but I don't have an iPod so I don't know why I signed up and all except for psychic peer pressure. Everyone else is doing it and I kind feel proximally left out. I'm weird, I know.

Speaking of weird -> having given up reallly caring what is going to happen next in anything has had the weirdest effect on the men around me. Flirt/hot guy is paying attention, I have a subtle stalker, and a couple of weirdly attached gossips. It's leaving me wonder what the hell I really did to get the whole I don't exist thing turned around. It must have been dying my hair Vampire red, since then I guess I seem more approachable and at least more interesting. It's had a dissonent effect on one guy, but he's got a weak streak anyways so I guess it's for the best.

In the mean time have a good Thanksgiving/weekend my pretties. I'll be making stat pay tomorrow, yeeha.

Keep blogging.

but I know that you'll miss me blind

2006-10-05T14:13:00.000-04:00

I didn't sleep Tuesday night because I was hopped up on pepsi and Jack Daniels. I alos was terrifed that the frigging rent cheque would bounce because I was 3 dollars short. I went in early to put back the differnece and it mocked me all day. I did get to go have the angus swis and mushroom burger at Burger King. Texas took me. He's foing fine, especially since it's been nice and quite around here with the total lack of Kid M and all. Yea we wish he'd moved out.

I went bug shit at Walmart and ended up with a DVD RW recorder and Hard Disk Drive recorder. It was cheap and I needed something besides the VCR, which wasn't on sale. I'm still looking for Grey's Anatomy at Wally World and it's never there. I'm trying out the DVR thing and find out someone else had it already. I knew that kind of because the damn thing wasn't packed on the inside the right way. I knew for sure when I was setting up the record function and found that there were already shows on it. It doesn't seem to have a way to record to the DVR and then DVD. Maybe why it was so inexpensive, but I'll see how it goes. If it's cool then I may stock up on disks to record directly to instead.

I watched LOST, even though it really bored me last season. It promises to make me wonder why I'm watching it this season, but I'll watcha few more to see if I'll keep bothering. I love Grey's and amazingly enough CSI seems to be bouncing back from the mid run malaise that has hit so many shows around Season 5/6. At least I don't look at George Eads and wonder WTF about his hair all the time. It was bad wigs last season I swear. I'm not sure why but I still watch ER, it's not so much habit it's more like the one lingering soap opera I can't put down. I picked up Saved because of Tom Everett Scott and his blue eyes. I also really like paramedic dramas. I loved Emergency as a kid.

I'm happy Gibbs is back at NCIS and I love the scuffy hair and all, don't like the moustache so much but I'll learn to live with it I know. I was kind of hoping the ditzy/awkward newbie would be around longer but she got thrashed as Gibbs is back. Oh well, they could have brought he back by moving Tony off but that didn't happen either. Ducky is way bitter Gibbs left and came back like he did, I hope that works out cuz the dynamic between them is so great. Love me some Illya Kuryakin. I've always had a thing for spies.

Keep blogging.

i'll check the stars where ever you are

2006-10-02T13:41:00.000-04:00

Yahoo and welcome to October. Slightly cooler than September. Now fortified with 100 percent psycho stalkers and weirdo men. Apparently I do well in the colder months as hot work guy and freaky new stalker boy are both trying to chat me up. Possibly for different reasons but the focus is hard to discern and I should be straight up and ask but I'm kinda cool with letting the things play out as they may.

In the meantime the shower curtain has been replaced in the bathroom, no notes about it. It's kind of odd because it's all quiet aon the western front and the tense avoidance factor has all but disappeared. Yet I'm still kind of holding a grudge, I don't like being accused of stealing and not being appologised to. That sucks and I'l get over it I'm sure, but maybe not today. Monday has turned into my Friday and as such I'm kind of miffed about the change up where I get next Sunday off and then Thursday (I had to trade for that too it was Tuesday). Then we just wait and see.

I'm feeling like I want pumpkin pie and a bucket of chicken. Not Kentucky fried mind you, I jut want to make a bunch of chicken here in the oven as I've noticed that I haven't been eating cooked food much. If it doesn't come in a package I probably haven't touched it recently. I need to get back to the fabulous chef-inees that is me, when I dare to make with the cookery. I only had pumpkins pie for the first time last year. I don't think I can convince myself to get one for myself as I don't honestly know if I would eat it. I don't like to waste food.

I know I skipped the playlist. Does anyone care? Hmmm, not thinking so. The number one is Split Screen Sadness - John Mayer, cuz it's stuck in my head and I don't know why. I can't get need for speed to play right any more and I'm thinking I'm just going to cannibalize the computer Joe gave me and throw what I don't need away. It gives me a weekend project at the very least. yea my midweek weekend. I'm kinda pissed as this months seems to have started off with the death of my tv/vcr combo's vcr recording abilities. I'm not impressed and I'm thinking I need to head out and buy a new one cuz I don't tivo and I don't want to miss anything and stuff is always conflicting. I should just give up and wait for the DVD's I know but it's a hard habit to break.

Keep blogging.

i know it's late i know you're weary

2006-09-27T19:44:00.000-04:00

I've been running around and playing with my friends. I haven't spent a 'weekend' off hanging with the homies in a while so I did. It was cool cuz we did interesting stuff, but didn't saty so long anyone was bored stiff (to my knowledge). I washed my hair and a lot of the colour came out. Don't know what I expected really. Oh and DON'T eat at the Kelsey's by the Elmvale Mall. The food there will make you regret it, the staff too.

I'm home kinda early. Goint ot drink some Jack and Pepsi Lime and chill it like I can. Gotta make it til the 3 am, so this should be interesting. Really. Drinking makes me tired and I'm 2 maragritas in.

In the mean time I still have a huge crush on Mark Harmon. He rocks the white hair and I have to give proprs to Ted Danson for going the white way too, at least he's not fighting it too hard. Of course he's still wearing the toupee but so does Sean Connery right? I hope Gibbs comes back to NCIS.

Keep blogging.

don't say things that don't exist

2006-09-24T14:11:00.000-04:00

I've finally gotten aroung to switching to blogger beta. I have a gmail account and I'm good to go. Am I kinda worried that Google is kinda becoming the big brother of the internet? Kinda. They have a lot of control over a lot of information, but so does the government and I haven't started fighting (too hard) against them. You gotta trust yourself and hope a lot with somethings.

On the homefront I'm being the graceless age and not flipping out overy the heresay of my 'thieving' ways. People are telling me to get all up in there and make a sdtink, but having live in Passive Agressiva before I know that way lies madness. Why? Because the fidiots will always be able to justify themselves and then you're the unreasonable one and it makes probalems for other people. In the end it's not worth it. Let them think they got away with it, everyone else knows the truth. I know the truth about everything and in the end I have good karma for not sinking to their level and basically making the war they've been conspiring to induce.

In the mean time I'm thinking of the niceness og living alone. I kinda want my own place because it's mine. No bullshit hassles or idiocy to worry over or avoid. No qwo faced bullshit kindergarten antics. Unless I develope full on MPD or something like that, I won't have issues. Of course the whole Mirand from Sex and the CIty scene where she nearly chokes to death on her chinese food and only the cat is there immediatelty springs to mind. I don't like being too alone, and left to my own devices in my own space I can be massively less than social. It's so easy to shut down and curl up inside yourself. I did it well before moving here and I didn't mind the added people for the social value, but there's so little of that really.

I have the best social network at work and then at home I have a bunch of people I barely see who seem hell bent on thinking the worst of everything and making no appologies for bad behaviour. It's night an day really and it's weird. Because I thought we were doing fine and getting along and that there were no issues and bang there are issues galore. I may need to move to a cave somewhere. My biggest impetus not to move is the hassle of not having credit and knowing that getting someone to co sign on an apartment is going to be fucking annoying. We all know I can't rely on my family and I don't think I have many good friends that can help with that. We'll have to see what's waht and how's how at a later date. I'll stick it out a bit more and figure if I can bypass the shit and renegade the way I like to get through the fuss and muss and make it all work. It's an elaborate juggling act where I take all I want and try to make it go togethere and move as necessary and work for me. It falls apart sometimes but I'e really exceptionally lucky. I know I am.

So in the mean time the top 10:

10) just like a pill - pink
9) how to save a life - the fray
8) it doesn't really matter - platinum blonde
7) it's beginning to get to me - snow patrol
6) the ending of a story - the neverending white lights
5) angels - the tea party
4) in repair - john mayer
3) and love said no - him
2) deeper and deeper - the fixx
1) into the fire - 13 senses

Into The Fire

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, This time
Turning white and senses dire
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another

From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
From Samaritan to sin
And it’s waiting on the end

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Explain, explain
As I turn and meet the power
This time, This time
Turning white and sense dire
Pull up, pull up
From one extreme to another

From the summer to the spring
From the mountain to the air
From Samaritan to sin
And it’s waiting on the end

and now I’m alone I’m looking out
I’m looking in, way down
The lights are dim
and now I’m alone I’m looking out
I’m looking in, way down
The lights are dim

Ooooh

Come on, come on
Put your hands into the fire
Come on, come on

Keep blogging.

you will go looking to blame somebody

2006-09-22T14:35:00.000-04:00

I got bored. I dyed my hair vampire red to make things moreinteresting. Hot work guy is so talking to me again and I love it. Cuz he's hot, and he talks to me like he's into me. Peole have noticed. People who aren't me. I am loving it. The hair colour went to vote with most people liking the vampire red in my hair better than the infra red. So I went for it. Texas says it looks pink. I'll have to live with that for 10-12 washings.

In lieu of complaining endlessly about homebased stupidity I've decided to complain endlessly about tv. I love Grey's Anatomy. I was so excited it came back last night and even though I missed a few minutes on time shift because of a customer I did watch it on CTV. And I was confused. I was so thinking I missed something. Because I am such a fan I taped the ABC version that was on at 9. I watched that today. Turns out I did miss something. An entire episode.

On ABC it was the Grey's mash up of all last years' dramatic highlights at 8, then the first episode of this season. On CTV there was the second episode of this season at 8 local time and then CSI's premiere. So I saw episode 2 then episode 1 of Grey's. I kow why I felt so lost now. I know why it seemed so odd to me to feel behind a joke last night. I read the Grey's blog which promised that the show would pick up where it left off and I so knew that wasn't happening. Now I know why. Did they show the wrong episode on time shift? Did they show 2 episodes? Did they start the season last week and I missed it in their time zone? I'm not sure, but I'm now caught up.

I've had some Jack Daniels and I'm down with the quality time with new and old friends, no matter how strained relations have been. Why? Because hot guy knows my name and talks to me by email now? Maybe. Maybe I just don't want to waste my energy trying to figure this bullshit out anymore. Everyone has issues, I just wish they'd stop trying to make them mine.

Keep blogging.

i'm a bitch

2006-09-20T12:07:00.000-04:00

I hate my landlords today. They seem to think the way to my heart is to accuse me of stealing without actually putting my name on the accusation. Since (to steal blatantly from Grey's Anatomy) there is a land called passive aggresiva and I fucking rent a room in it, I came home to another bullshit note. Right now the Kids are playing the olds against the news. So even though Kid N and J have nothing good to say about Kid M, they're the bestest friends and pulling kindergarten bullshit.

The jist of the notes was even though we don't mind supplying paper towels and napkins for the house, these items are purely decoratory and should not be used or you get a note telling you not to be wasteful. The other note is the one I took personally. See I buy my own toilet paper. Partly because I got tired of the game of 'let's use all the tp and not replace the roll' Kid M and E played. Also because I was sick of the cheapest shit they could buy being all there was. 1 ply, 2 ply, sandpaper, scented, unscented. I'm not that picky but I had to draw the line when it started taking it's toll. The second note said taking the tp from the bathroom is stealing. I hope they feel like the asshats I think they are now, for accusing me of stealing my own fucking toilet paper. I really hate people that can't ask questions but have no problem jumping to conclusions and generally making life a living hell.

In a word 3 out of 4 people in the house officially became Assholes last night. That leaves Texas, who up til last night had only heard about the notes. He was saddened and thought it was funny how they will put that shit on the board and then avoid you. Apparently he's also been told that the large cupboard in my room, the one I asked repeatedly if they wanted me to move into his room before he even got here, is his to put his stuff away. Apparently they are deeply offended that he hasn't unpacked and still has boxes in his room today. So offended that they are willing to have me take all my things out of the cupboard I was told belongs in this room, so that he can have it. This has been told to him twice. I have not been asked/told a thing. Nice. I am not above thinking I'll just come home and find it moved for him. Apparently they're all about their ideas and fuck everyone else.

Of course it is kind of satisfying when they are so embarrassed of their own behavior that they can't even look at you. But just a little bit.

Keep blogging.

we are home now out of our heads out of our minds out of this world out of this time

2006-09-19T12:39:00.000-04:00

It's been weird weather here. Cold and humid and then hot hot hot then cold again. You all know I have a new bed and occassionally it's hard to sleep on it. It's a memory foam bed that somehow doesn't hold you up perfectly all the time. Anyways for some reason my right side aches some times. I haven't had the bed 2 weeks yet so I know I'll get used to it, but all this change isn't making my muscles feel any less pulled out of shape. Ah working myself into something else.

I'm trying to crack my inner maniac. I'm trying to contact the place inside that's fearing success and make it understand that there's nothing to fear. In the meantime it's retaliating by making me uber hungry. Apparently it doesn't believe in open dialogue. I'm doing this in an effort to determine if I have reached that place where losing weight will be successful. Where I won't turn around and make excuses and sabotage myself into a larger clothing size. Cuz I'm kinda tired of this year. I didn't gain a lot of weight because of my foot, but I didn't lose any either. I'm lazy about exercising. I now have somewhere to exercise but I haven't started.

I can get around better on my foot now so I know I should make a go of the getting back into shape. Of course in the mean time I've gotten lazy. I want to spend my post work time doing nothing and my pre work time doing pretty much nothing too. This whole switching start times has been annoying and I get thrown back next week. I start 3 hours later thatn this week or the week before. I'm making my way back to the deep end of the evening shift and I'm slowly making up my mind to get off my ass and do something more interesting than sit on my ass :)

Keep blogging.

it's been five long years and i love you just the same

2006-09-17T11:48:00.000-04:00

There's a lot of talking on the internet these days of being found out. People want to blog, and they want to be semi or fully ananymouse so that they can say what they want and not offend anyone they know who may stumble across their patch of self expression. I think of my blog as a venting space. It's not where the happy happy joy joy stuff comes to live, because that I can hold onto and enjoy. It tends to be ore where the crap and corruption that spins my way or that I fall into is put on display. Because I have to let it go, there has to be somewhere to get rid of this stuff, right?

I don't have to worry about tmy family readig this as they know about it and just can't be bothered to read it. Some friends are similarily inclined. Other friends read it and I think a bit about what they may think before I throw something up here, but in the end this really doesn't contain anything I wouldn't say in public anyways. I'm like that y'all.

Recently my blog link got banned at work, which means they have gotten the idea that the link belongs to someone there. Do they know it's me per se? I don't know. I wonder if I should move addresses or take all my identifying pics diwna dn then I think why? I haven't really bad mouthed any thing to the extent where I would be considered a problem or breeder of dissent. I don't name where I work or anyone by name so I think generalities may be my saving grace. Now could my blog come back to bite me in the ass. Hell ya, like verything else it has it's sharp edges. I talk too much and I blog like I talk so there is always a reprocussion for being expressive - no matter the medium. Thing is this is my blog, my forum to say stuff that crosses my addled mind. I appreciate that that's what blogs are and the stuff on them is not always the truest deepest most total expression of who a person is or what they are like in real life. I kinda think my blog's borig, but in the world I'm not that staid. It's all a matter of perspective, but in the end it's just a facet of the person. Everyone has layers.

So onto the top 10

10) hear me out - frou frou
9) song beneath the song - maria taylor
8) edge of the ocen - ivy
7) fools like me - lisa loeb
6) he wasn't - avril lavigne
5) not an addict - k's choice
4) bleed - anna nalick
3) you wouldn't like me - tegan and sara
2) you and your hand - pink
1) kiss me - e-rotic

KISS ME

Kiss me - fly me up high
Wanna feel like a Frisbee - high in the sky
Oh I want you to kiss me - do it all right
Cos I know that you miss me

I dreamed of you
In so many lonely nights
With my body and soul
And I know you were
Out there in the city lights
Just out of control

Rap: Hey I walked around and all I found
Was me myself just losing ground
I missed you - But I walked on thin ice
Like a clown in disguise
All the time there was your face
You only you can end the race
Love me - in the heat of the night
Babe I fell like dynamite

Oh baby just kiss me - fly me up high
Wanna feel like a Frisbee - high in the sky
Oh I want you to kiss me - do it all right
Cos I know that you miss me
Oooh kiss me all over tonight

Kiss me tonight
Till you find the secret spot
Up and down and again
Baby lay by my side
And search for the honey pot
I know that you can

Rap: I'm doin' what you want to do
You know the stories about me are true
I'll kiss you - you know I care
Here and there and everywhere
Come closer - let me feel your tongue
It's so good - it can't go wrong
Together we'll climb the hill
Oh what a thrill - if you will

Oh baby just kiss me - fly me up high
Wanna feel like a Frisbee - high in the sky
Oh I want you to kiss me - do it all right
Cos I know that you miss me
Oooh kiss me all over tonight
Kiss me - fly me up high
Wanna feel like a Frisbee - high in the sky
Oh I want you to kiss me - do it all right
Cos I know that you miss me
Oooh kiss me all over tonight

Kiss me - baby I want it I want you to miss me
Baby I need it I need you to kiss me
Baby I love you I love you so much

Kiss me

Keep blogging.

crying in the morning trying to be strong waiting for the spring to turn into the fall

2006-09-15T00:17:00.000-04:00

I don't get people at all. I'm not sure I ever will. I'm a pusher. I can push myself and others really hard. On the other hand I have never in my life decided that I would roll down my car window and yell racial slurs at someone just becaue. Oh yea I was out pushing my numbed foot into shape Wednesday and took a bus at rush hour. Now what happened isn't as horrific as the shootings in Montreal, but it's sad and shamefull none the less. Our bus driver was a uded witha turban, and right there in grid locked traffic some white guy with a bug up his ass decides to roll down the window and let loose with what was the bus driver doing in the country anyways, why didn't go back where he belonged and other things the bus driver wouldn't repeat to the cops loud enough for us passengers to hear.

See we were just stopped to let someone off and in Ottawa a bus has the right of way so I don't know if the cretin was coming out of nearby parking lot and got pissed that the bus didn't wait for him to merge with the immovable traffic lane he wanted into or what. The bus driver stopped the bus and flew out into traffic to get the guy's licence plate and was calling the cops even as he did that. He even talked to the guy who had rolled up then down his window to tell the driver that he wasn't scared of nothing and he couldn't do anything to him anyways. So guy verbally assaults a city worker downtown on a street lined with government workers, in grid locked traffic thinking nothing will happen. Personally I think that the black cars he was driving should havd a big white bigot written on it for 2 weeks as punishment. That's just me. Racist would do to. Apparently this guy doesn't care who knows it, so let's tell the world.

Other than that I've been smiling at guys oin datingh sites in an effort to meet someone interesting and worthwhile and of course no one smiles back. Infact to be honest finding a guy that is smiling and looks comfortable with it is hard. C'mon dudes. Try a little.

Keep blogging.

the truth about cats and dogs

2006-09-12T16:17:00.001-04:00

I don't claim to be able to get to know people, or to know anything about them really. I'm a great watcher of people and as such, I've become good at guessing what people will do in any given situation. It's about the only valuable thing I learned to do growing up. That and lip read.

I've been wondering a lot lately about my family, since the hostage negotiations started over the stuff they volunteered to keep for me. I should have known better thatn to think my remaining family wouldn't turn right around and usr their act of kindness against me. As much dysfunction as I have lived through with them I should KNOW that they are just terrorists looking for an excuse to attack.

ter‧ror‧ism /ˈtɛrəˌrɪzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ter-uh-riz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, esp. for political purposes.
2. the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
3. a terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government.

Unfortunately for me I have a stubbornly persistant streak of seeing the good in people and believeing that my family has finally turned around and is going to be nice, honourable and kind is a fanatasy I can't stop falling in love with. It bites me in the ass everytime. I should have KNOWN better, it took a little longer this time (maybe because they're getting old) but they up and leveraged my stuff against me. I've come to the conclusion that I must cease this deliberate act of self punishment and just forget I have a family. Then it won't hurt when they don't bother to call me on my birthday or christmas. It won't bother me when I don't get asked to a family gathering like thanksgiving, only to be told how great it was and what a bitch I am for not replying to the invitation I never got. I won't feel so worhtless when I'm told I'm only invited to visit if I bring presents. It saves me a lot of money not investing too heavily in the dream I suffered through for so long in my 20's -> the dream of a happy, loving and understanding family. I totally was disabused of that dream via my EX and his family. I know part of my willingness to get married was to belong to what seemed to be a nice, caring family. I've always wanted that. I'm finally willing to give it up.

I can blame my dad for this, as his way was to punish, brutalise and beat whatever he wanted out of you. My sister learned that lesson too well and clings to threats, intimidation and violence as her favoured toys. My mother, always the victim, is living in a symbiotic state of coercive malaise with my sister. The two of them bring out the worst in each other and in me. If I have one true fear it's to be like them. I know that parts of their defeated and vicious psyche lie deep within me. You can't live with the losers so long and not learn the mantra. I stopped living it but I still know the walk, the talk and the nightmares it brings. My family, what's left of it now that Dad's dead over over 18 years now, is a joke. I often feel guilt for wishing that they would just forget about me and I long to tell people I'm an orphan. I have tried over the years to reach a peace with in myself and forgive the shit I've done and do that is hurtful, disrespectful and mean to myself and others. I know I learned to a live that life at home that was a dog eat dog competition to get the other person beaten down, locked up or humiliated.

It was a constant battle field, where you ally was your next best enemy. I've played that dynamic out so many time in my life and I finally can't stand to see it anymore. If it even seems something is going that way I go. I can evilly amuse myself at someone else's expense because I know how to push buttons and hit the sore spot, but that's not the person I am. I'm not about Anything to save yourself. Anything to lose the fear of reprisal and retaliation. Every interaction my family ever had was marred by some fight, some fit of escalation. Ours was an endurance trial of hate and loathing and when I see them it's all there again. It's the best teleportation device I am aware of. My family still has this instant ability to make me feel like I'm losing the battle and I become willing to die rather than endure the constant rhetoric of bull shit and cracked thinking that exists in the time warped vacuum my mom and sister inhabit.

I can't say that I've gotten rid of the sickness that all this suspicion and distrust bred into me. I probably will forever have that festering inside and taking me down like a lion does a slow gazelle, every time I spend time with them. Thing is I know about it, I recognise it. I can see it and control it. I have worked to make it less of totality of my life, less of a cycle, erased the soundtrack that it plays in my head. I can't say my family has tried, or even care to. If you talk to my family they seem nice and normal, but as with everything it's the familiarity breeds contempt thing that makes them hard to take. They are almost totally isolated. They share a common delusion -> that life should just give them what they want.

I've said before that I used to be very type A. I am an achiever, a doer. I accomplish things. My family will tell you I am a quitter, a failure and a loser. It's what they say to me constantly. The thing that I just realised today is that my family, as much as they seem to despise me and wish me harm -> want me to succeed. They want me to go out there and make it big. It's not that they believe in me or have any faith in my abilities, it's so that they can live off of me. They feel that they should have so much more than they do, they have a gigantic sense of entitlement, and I am constantly enlisted to help pay for these things they want. Why? Because I am the only one of them who has ever held a steady job. I'm the only high school, college and university graduate in my family (I'm not including the extended we don't even know\talk to them family). I'm the only one making any money, so I'm the Bill Gates of us. As far as they are concerned I'm also selfish and evil because I don't share my money with them.

Having lived with them, and recently enough too, I know that they need money because they don't budget. They buy frivolous stuff that is hardly used and then don't pay bills because of it. My sister bullies my mother and then my mother whines about it and bullies my sister. After a while they get sick of each other and decide to try to bully me. I really like not living anywhere near them because I don't have to constantly hear about their demented drama. I can see both sides and I can work the middle like no one's business. However, all in all, my family has only really brought me pain, sorrow and taught me the worst kind of person to be. I know I'll never be disowned as long as I have the potential to make money. If I ever make a lot of money or win the lottery I'm sure they'll be all loving me till the bank is dry, or suing me because I won't share. What a great lot of relations.

I've been thinking of dying my hair black ever since a girl at work came in with black hair. I'm dying to be goth for Christmas I guess. I had a fucked up dream last night where I was living here, but not here and I had personal hair and clothing people. They were trying to dress me for a tv appearance and dye my hair. My hair came out a deep rich hot red and the outfit was all black. I was hot, but I still don't know what I was 'doing' that warranted all the fuss and tv coverage. Maybe I'll go dark red, as a compromise on the needing a hair change.

Keep bloggign :)

if you were to ask me questions you don't really want to know

2006-09-11T00:26:00.000-04:00

I was pretty pissed off last night and some good part of today too. I got the new bad and I told my roomiws I had a line on someone coming to get the mattress Monday so Saturday afternoon they up and stick the whole kit and kaboodle in the back/front yard. Oh how I love being listened to. I ended up having to haul the damn thing all the way back to my room because the person who wasn't even asked to take it away was too lazy to put it back. Fuckers.

Then my pissant sister emails me at tell me that I am offically getting my stuff, that they have been storig for me, has not only been put in storage and they want me to foot the entire bill for that now (the price has changed 3 times) but since I haven't sent a dime for the storage (that I never asked for or agreed to -> because they can't decide on a price) thye're going to sell my stuff to pay for the locker. I wrote her back and told her I'd sue her if she did it. Fucker.

In the mean time I have those bed pictures and I'm kinda wishing I was richer and more inclined to have a man with a car at my disposal, I'd get my stuff and keep it somewhere better thatn with my family. Apparently my family sucks rocks.

This is the bed. 8 inches of foam mattress with a weird zippered covering. The side you see there iunder the sheet is a suede type covering, the side you don't see is facing the boxspring and is a thick clear plastic. Weird. But really comfortable. Of course for the 2 odd years I've been sleeping in a single bed I've grown so accustomed to it that this bed seems so huge when I'm lying alone in it. If I'm really luck y I'll have 50 bucks coming my way for the ikea mattress. It's tin the back groud there, the grey wall behind the bed. Why? Because my roommates are so anal a mattress can't sit in the hall a couple of days, Someone at work knows someone who will porbably want it. I've been waiting to send that to the ingrates I've got ransoming my stuff. I don't care about a lot of the things so much as the records and tapes. I'd rather kill then lose that stuff. Like I'm going to be able to replace all that vinyl and turn tables.

Right now I'm hoping I can find someone who will be nice and take me there so I can get the stuff from them and then someone else who will let me store it who won't be a dick and ransom it. Thing is I know my family. It's probably already gone and the ransom is just BS. They're like that y'all.

Mental Playlist

10) funk souyl brother - fatboy slim
9) surrounded - chantal kreviazuk
8) fly away from here - aerosmith
7) it doesn't really matter - platinum blonde
6) it's in your eayes- kylie minogue
5) boys of summer - don henley
4) sugar sugar - aaron carter
3) girl from mars - ash
2) the ship song - nick cave
1) running up that hill - kate bush

Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)

"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill."

It doesn't hurt me.
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
You, it's you and me.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts.

Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, it's you and me.
It's you and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could, oh...

You,
It's you and me,
It's you and me won't be unhappy.

"C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh..."

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

If I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems...

"If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.

Keep blogging.

curiosity kitten doesn't have to mean you're on your own

2006-09-06T15:13:00.000-04:00

I can't say I've been thinking deep thoughts. Time these days revolves for me around the ominous shooting foot pain I now have, the mounting joy of my new new bed and the chore of working to be awake while at work. Surprisingly enough I mostly like my job, the hours work for me and the people are coolio. I called the Dr's to make an appointment and was told December WON'T happen, but I can call back in a few weeks when her new appointment book (witch seceratary that is) comes and then she can decide if I can do this in January. Uggh. Can this get worse? Really I'm thinking if I meditate hard could I make the source of irritation just pop out of my foot, like a zit expells it's load?

Rockstar is my new must see. I did take a trip with Dr Who and it was the killer game show eposdie. Not bad but I don't know if I'm dying to watch it regualrily. Anyways I'm sure some may have heard the rumour that Lukas is going to win Rockstar. I don't like Lukas because I like to be able to understand my singer and I think he suffers from mumbleitis. I think the rest of the group would want him only if they think having a fug singer ensures them a good batch of groupies. Dilana seems to have fatally wounded herself with unneeded cattiness towards her housemates and is slowly dying from the festering self loathing it wrought. I still love her voice but she seems to have given up and Storm is taking full advantage of that. I can't say I liked Storm before, infact I don't remember much of anything she did before she rocked Evanessence. Yes Toby really kicked it on that one but I think Gilby has his head up his ass on her abilities. Mind you I'd never heard of him before RockStar either.

I think the whole Magni 'sounded the same' on his tracks last night was lame. Really you fault a guy for givving it all to both tracks, not dialing it down for the first and giving it all for the second? Whatever. Toby is finally really out of his shell and owning the stage. So Lukas - he brings nothing new for me to find interesting. They were actually counting how many times he sang the chorus and hook. Wow, is that complimentary? Also why did we see everyone but Magni get feed back on the songwriting? I think Gilby's kind of close minded if he feels that all songs have to be metaphorical not literal. I think the real lack of imagination is if they can't see songs are good either way or mixed together in a literal metaphor.

Ok I'm done now. The weather's being weird and wacky, it's so cool and grey but the rain isn't visiting. Even so there are all these people at work feeling so down that there is no sun and not appreciating the fine cool weather that we have. I'm not a total summer person, this one was ok because the heatwaves were small and not that hard to live through, not like some of the other summers where I really wanted to die. I'll miss the shorts and sandals because I don't really love shoes, I'm more of a light footwear person -> but I love the cool weather. I love it with a passion that never fades. I am so happy that there is no chace of 100 degrees right now that I'd be actively bummed if we chinooked and got an Indian summer heat wave. It's really beacause I think sweating should be reserverd fro times of great exertion alone. Walking across the street, in general though not lately, is not the greateset exertion I have ever experienced, so I really dislike breaking into a sweat because I'm moving at a snails pace going anywhere.

I'm giong to charge my camera batteries so I can regale y'all with photos of the new new bed. You saw the beas I have so you may as well get a load of how things change. Keep blogging.

am i just paranoid or am i just

2006-09-04T14:15:00.000-04:00

The funny thing about long weekends when you work every one of them for a while (say years) is that the concept of holiday and joy joy goodness is lost. I get tomorrow off and I'm planning on doing laundry and pre shifting my room for the coming of the bed friday. I'm really excited about the bed, more excited every day. It's been years since I had a decent bed I liked. I can sleep anywhere but it's going to be nice to sleep somewhere I want to sleep for a change.

A friend at work has given me the bug to join this weight loss program. The catch is that it cost 3 grand and it's not covered by OHIP, even though it's Dr recommended and all. It's step one on the road to gastric bypass. I have been thinking about that because no matter how much I change my diet and exercise I haven't had much luck over the years losing enough weight to take me out of the risk factor end of the fat pool. I don't have any health issues yet. It's a yet I'm not longing to see come to visit. That and my foot are majorly bumming me out. I don't know how I'd get the 3 grand by January, let's face it I suck at saving money and I don't think I can take it out of my locked in RRSP either. At least not according to the wee amount of information I could find on it. It was an idea, but I may have to admit defeat because unlike Tony Pierce, I'm not sure that asking my 69 readers for 20 bucks to make the dream a reality would be a good idea. Not that y'all wouldn't help me - just that I'd feel guilty owing everyone 20 bucks. What if I fail? Umm it's so possible. It's also not enough to get into the program with, and I hate to say it but 1620 is a number I can't cough up in the next 3 months either. Well I'm coming around to this working out idea again. Props for that.

It's too bad I can't just win the lottery or get adopted as Oprah's next project makeover. I'm going to buy a lottery ticket and I may write Oprah, again. I don't think O likes Canadians. It's just me I know. I keep wondering, everytime I go to the lottery stand to get bus tickets, or just walk by it on the way to work --> how many people out there are playing the hatch numbers from Lost? Come on you know people are. I wonder in passing if I played then would I win a cursed fortune? I'm not exactly Hurley, but stranger things have happened.

Mental Playlist :

10) until it sleeps - metallica
9) weapon - matthew good
8) going under - evanessence
7) passive - a perfect circle
6) c'mon, c'mon - the von bondies
5) murder of crows - the counting crows
4) my friend - basement jaxx
3) out of my head - mobile
2) move along - the all american rejects
1) for you - staind

"For You"

To my mother, to my father,
It's your son or it's your daughter,
Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!

The silence is what kills me
I need someone here to help me
But you don't know how to listen
And let me make my decisions

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way to fast!

All your insults and your curses make
me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like I am nothing but
you made me so do something
'Cause I'm fucked up because you are
Need attention, attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence get us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way to fast

Keep blogging.

do we have to wait 'till our worlds collide

2006-09-01T15:31:00.000-04:00

I saw my Dr today. Rather I saw my plastic surgeon. He wasn't happy to find out that he hadn't gotten it all. The lump in my foot is being officially referred to as the residual puffiness of a healing reaction. He was quite upset that I wasn't pleased and willing to let it go. He says I can have the thing take out in now more then 3 months or I can wait longer (because he's in no hurry). I swear he was seconds away from crying and stamping his feet when I told him I was SURE I wanted to go through all of the shots and swelling and limping again. He HATES feet. They disgust him. He was so totally convinced he would never have to touch mine again.

OOPS --> In the mean time fate decided another round of soule sushi was needed.

Well I didn't help much when I told the drama queen the scar ws worse this time. It is worse, way more holes and skin peeling off but I think it's healing better than the first cut did, not because it's shorter or anything but becuase it was tended to much better by the good DR. I feel like I should send him a bottle of whiskey, that's how horrified he looked when I said we'd have to do it again. I do totally understand that there's no conceivable way he could have reched the lump that plagues me from the incision he made. He kept telling me it's not like he didn't remove anything from where he made the cut. I know that he did, I freaking saw it -> But the triuth is he didn't listen to me when I said this is where it's bugging me, he just decided that reopening the old wound was the way to go and fix my bitching.

Err nope. This time I want the right thing excised. I told hime I don't care how he cuts it open, diagonally, horizontaly, if he cuts a cross in it to exorcise the demon foot -> whatever it takes. He's all like I never promised your foot would be ok or even better. I'm like I never said it wasn't better, because what he did fix is fluffy bunnies fine 3 weeks later but the other part is worse because it's a lump alone now. He looked at me and said I was doing fine for 6 weeks out. I'm glad that he's forgotten when he did the surgery, what with the chart in front of him and all. It's been 3 weeks exactly. He was so upset he tried to tell me I developed plantar fasciitis. Um, no, that lump's been there since my original act of stupidity. I do blame myself and I know my foot may never be 100 percent again but I'd like to at least be on speking terms with what's left of it. Plus my mom has heel spurs and this is not the same thing even remotely.

In 3 months, December, I can have myslef hobbled again. I'm not sure if I'm wanting to get this the hell over with ASAP or when I'm less likely to get killed on the ice of winter arounde here. If I hold out to March or April I'll be a year and almost a half with this shit keeping me from having fun. If I go for it in December it's just a year and a month. At least he was nice enough to tell me I could choose the date and such, he just wants to get it the hell over with -> Like me. At least we agree on that. In the mean time I have to stress about how this is going to go. Can I get time of in December? Wouldn't January be better - but how likely is it that I can get 2 weeks off and not have to leave the house at all? Do I wait til Spring or just give up and settle into life as a tiresome gimp who can't walk anywhere that take more than 20 minutes to get to without feeling the burn/pain? I'm so petitioning Dr Scholls for steel reinforced insoles.

Anyy ideas? Keep blogging.